Blogs and Stories
The Dangerous Appeal of Choking
Every tiny ounce of pressure added has an exponential effect. And then—the release. When the flood of the oxygen returns to the starved bloodstream, an understanding—conscious or not—runs between the lovers:
The choker is giving the gasper’s breath back to them after taking it away. Something much more precious and important than just a run-of-the-mill orgasm.
Most kinksters I’ve spoken to said that they were interested in choking for years before they’d ever tried it, some of them before they were even sexually self-aware. Some of us may have played the “fainting game” when we were younger, not knowing that there was a whole world of erotic undercurrent to it.
“There’s a whole level of trust and intimacy there that’s more intense than any other sex-play I can think of,” says one "gasper" I’ve spoken with. Another young woman with whom I’ve been intimate said that she’d never been choked before, but after she requested a few gentle squeezes on her throat during sex, I was surprised to find she was hooked.
Another friend told me that although she identifies more as a dominant than a submissive, she also enjoys restraining her breath during sex. “Your body isn’t sure what it wants, less or more. And it’s all that more amazing when you can’t control it.”
Of course, whenever one plays with dangerous or potentially deadly elements in the bedroom, safety is essential. Sex and kink expert Jay Wiseman has written extensively on the topic and advises against breath-play by anyone not trained in CPR. “Oxygen is to the brain what oil is to your engine. The primary danger of suffocation play is that it is not a condition that gets worse over time; what happens is that the more the play is prolonged, the greater the odds that a cardiac arrest will occur.” Applying some of the safety techniques he recommends can take some of the danger out of the play, but engaging in asphyxiation games should always be viewed as a prohibitively risky endeavor.
The tragedy of David Carradine’s death (presuming it was breath play and not an intended suicide) shows what happens when this type of sexual activity goes wrong. One small slip, or a miscalculation with a noose, could result in a sudden strangulation, a crushed windpipe, or even a snapped neck.
The little death can become the big one which is why, despite its attraction, I have to dissuade readers from experimenting with it.
Gideon is a member of the NYC kink community.
How Obama Wins in 2012
As vice chairman of Public Strategies and president of Maverick Media, Mark McKinnon has helped meet strategic challenges for candidates, corporations and causes, including George W. Bush, John McCain, Governor Ann Richards, Charlie Wilson, Lance Armstrong, and Bono.
10 Power Food Combos
Divya Gugnani is the CEO and founder of BehindtheBurner.com, an emerging culinary media brand that creates expert-based content about food, wine, mixology, and nutrition.
guiltybystander
I want to choke my ex-wife-- not sure if it's sexual, but do you think I could get out of jail time if say it is?
piktor
guilty -- You gotta say it was her idea, kinky, consensual and new to you. THEN you walk!
BTW, do not proceed before you have consulted us, The Daily Beast's knowitalls.
tankertodd
You shouldn't have divorced her first, otherwise I'm pretty sure you'd be in the clear.
/my misogyny is David Letterman's fault
piktor
tanker -- She will be dead, so guiltybystander will be the only one telling the sad, twisted, sad story.
maspring
What an embarrassing way to go.
This user is no longer registered.
LivingInCT
Okay. My guess is, like a lot of sex play, it either just appeals to you or it just doesn't. 'Cause after reading this, I still just don't get it.
Msbeachwood
I'm with you. Not appealing. At all.
This comment has been removed by The Daily Beast's editors.
bobvious
Quote: "...Now of course, we don't actually want to kill our loved ones (as much as they annoy us sometimes) but even the possibility is exhilarating."
Is "we" the kink community, society at large or are "we" talking about YOU?
Sorry, but I can only speak for myself when it comes to whether I've ever been exhilarated by the thought of murdering a loved one. I suggest the writer refrains from using the word "WE" in this context and speaks for himself/herself.
piktor
bobvious -- This "story" was posted by "Gideon", no photo, no bio, not a lot of taste. You know, the living-la-vida-loca kinda guy you'd expect needing a Halloween suit for his measure of libidinous fun.
bobvious
I get it, piktor. I just see this as a point deserving to be called what it is: an obnoxious and thoughtless aside by a sociopath or one aspiring to be a sociopath.
It's one thing to become accustomed to the pugilistic nature of blogging and forum posting. It's entirely another to nudge-wink the idea that we all think about murdering people we love. Speaking for myself, as I've stressed, it just ain't so. So the use of language here is my issue.
piktor
bobvious -- I must confess I could not stomach reading this story in its entirety.
I find this kind of "kink community" lifestyle repelling, completely alien and alienating.
AmericanPravda
Some people have way too much time on their hands.
mothnflame
I will speak up for the author and say I was grateful to see a direct and frank explanation of what is quite possibly the circumstances under which this man died.
There was a suicide by hanging in my family, and the effect was devastating on everyone. Yes, if it had come out that this boy's death had been due to unsafe sexual activity everyone would have cringed. But it would have been a huge relief compared to the years of self doubt over how we missed that he was in enough distress to take his own life.
As for the warning that kids not read this article, I disagree. My teenage son saw the news about the suicide and mentioned it to me. When I heard that it may have been an accident, we had a talk about what might have happened and the dangers of allowing a sense of embarrassment to outweigh sense of safety... a dynamic that can be deadly for teens in a whole range of scenarios...
Some of the attitudes in the comments section reflect exactly the reason why the author is semi anonymous. If you make a living at Kink like Jay Wiseman, then sure you can be a public figure.
LOL, as for the wish to kill loved ones... my ex was allergic to shellfish. I always kept a can of clam chowder in the house... just in case.
bobvious
mothnflame, I've also been affected by suicide, and have also gone through various stages of questioning and guilt - and anger - with regard the person who has left. Yah, I'm pissed. I've seen and felt what suicide does to loved ones left behind. It's cruel and selfish. Whatever pain the person felt, which had to be deep and unfathomable, there is a world of pain that that person gave to everyone who cared for him. In a very linear sense, that's where I "am" right now with my particular experience.
My original point stands: The "WE" in the statement is vague, and as such needs clarification.
sillylemur
It doesn't need clarification for most people who don't deny they have dark thoughts. Almost every person, at one time in life, will have thoughts, however fleeting, that they wish a certain person dead. Those of us who aren't sociopath or psychopaths or raging narcissists will rarely consider this an idea on which to act. It's just a feeling and most people are appalled by it when they have it. Some terrified people tend to deny they even know that feeling at all. I assume that is why you keep saying that "we" needs clarification - you can't admit to it, or you haven't reached puberty yet.
sillylemur
As for your comment about suicide, I have had an aunt and nephew commit suicide, and a brother try. (It's rampant on my mom's side of the family, actually.) I used to feel as you do, but then I realized that it was just as selfish and cruel of me to expect another person to keep living just because I wanted them to. If their suffering was so great, I am only now deeply sorry that it got so bad, and nothing anyone else could to was enough to help them through it.
You'll get through the phase you're in now. It's actually much more painful to have to look at the pain the suicide was in, rather than your own pain, but I found much more peace after I did so.
sillylemur
I appreciated it, too. A friend of mine had a little brother who died this way, and I've never really heard anyone speak that openly about it before. It happens, so we might as well all know what it's about. I appreciate having my questions about it answered.
tankertodd
Some things are best left untried for fear that I may enjoy them, like drugs, Red Bull, and line dancing.
DBFan2009
"One small slip, or a miscalculation with a noose, could result in a sudden strangulation, a crushed windpipe, or even a snapped neck."
oooooooo, sexy. /sarcasm.
exploora
I think the real story is the risk a person is taking when doing something like what is being described, and the devastating effect it will have on friends, family and in this case, fans.
smdunne
I can't say that I enjoyed this article exactly, but it was very interesting and gave me a glimpse into a world I don't know much about. It's not appealing to me, but I found it fascinating.
How we go really isn't as important as the love we leave behind and judging by Carradine's funeral he left a lot of love behind. RIP Grasshopper.
dailyplanet
This kind of sex play is not about eroticism but about power and control. It's a homicidal/suicidal impulse reformatted. Each to their own...but see it for what it is.
Delisted
Oh come on. Show a little respect for the dead. Can't you vultures wait until the family is done grieving to start speculating about his sex life?
This user is no longer registered.
This user is no longer registered.
bobvious
If the erotic asphyxiation is of the "auto" variety (recall INXS singer's solo swan song?), the 'safety word' plan kinda goes out the window.
Thank you.
As a first time user, your comment has been submitted for review. It can take anywhere from a few hours to a day or two for your comment to be reviewed, depending on the time of week and the volume of comments we receive.