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How Bad Parenting Became Cool
In the new books about childrearing, it’s OK to be negligent and inept as long as you admit it with charm—and aren’t on Welfare.
One time, in a real fix, I strapped my 3-year-old daughter into her car seat, drove to the Sheraton Carlton for a press conference, and handed Courtney off to the valet parker. I left her with a juice box and an Elmo coloring book, gave the valet a twenty and the doorman another twenty to watch him. I ran in for 15 minutes and then went for ice cream to quiet the bad-mother police within.
There, I've said it. Now can I have a book contract? Probably not. As is often the case, I'm a little late to spot a publishing trend.
The current rage in kid-lit is to admit what a bad parent you are with a dollop of disdain for those grinds still following Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and pureeing their organically grown peas. June Cleaver and Father Know Best are relics, but so is last year’s Broadway hit, God of Carnage, which won the Tony for Best Play. It's about parents turning childish themselves as they obsess over a fight between their offspring at the park. Under the new guidelines, the parents in that play would have quickly cut the mommy and daddy stuff and started networking.
You’re 2, the thinking goes, isn't it about time you changed your own diaper?
The leitmotif of the new vogue in bad parenting is that keeping the marital buzz buzzing trumps the children. Writer Ayelet Waldman (Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crime, Minor Calamities and Occasional Moments of Grace, published this spring) wrote a column a few years back describing the ways in which she put her children second because she loved her husband more. It set the Internet aflame and got her a nice book contract. Now the lovey-dovey Obamas are driving couples everywhere insane. It's easy to have date night and hold hands when you have a butler fetching your drinks on a silver tray and grandma lives in.
In the new version of "whatever" parenting, you get to remain the center of the universe while accessorizing your life with little versions of yourself who can get along with so much less than previous generations thought. You’re 2, the thinking goes, isn't it about time you changed your own diaper? One mother confessed to a top-this bad-mommy chatroom that she has used paper towels and scotch tape rather than making a special trip to buy more Huggies.
Of course, not everyone can get away with the attitude that everyday childrearing is beneath them. Let someone on Welfare repeatedly knock a child to the floor to encourage crawling over walking (and get a "nasty thrill" from it) as Lisa Moricoli Latham admits in the blog-turned-book True Mom Confessions and the child-welfare service would be at the door.
Only those with high intellect, a fast-track career, and an A-List social life (Waldman is married to famous author Michael Chabon) can admit to subpar parenting. And among that crowd, the best is surely Michael Lewis, the successful author on finance and sports, who has turned his attention to child-rearing in the whiny but hilarious Home Game: An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood.
If he weren't such a deft storyteller, Lewis could hardly get away with the old saw about sending a child to school dressed like a clown or win any sympathy for "his fatigue, his worries, his tedium, his disappointment at the contents of hospital vending machines" as he witnesses the "horror" of childbirth. Like Waldman, he has an interesting celebrity spouse (Tabitha Soren, formerly of MTV) who endures a severe postpartum depression after the birth of their third child. This leaves Lewis to deal with the other two children, who've become like "convicts in a Soviet gulag," already stripped of every possible privilege for bad behavior yet they "continue to subvert the authorities."
He decides they think he's weak. "They want to play hardball; they don't know what hardball is. They will now learn. Yet another generous neighbor has brought us yet another extravagant dessert: a ginger and molasses cake, topped with whipped cream. But they are grounded: No desserts for a week. In better times, I might sympathize with their predicament. I might toss them a crumb. At the very least I would sneak my cake later, alone. Not now. I cut myself a large piece and crown it with whipped cream, all the while feeling two pairs of eyes tracking me around the kitchen. Heaping great dollops of molasses and whipped cream onto my plate, I sit back down. Their own sad plates are decorated with cold, half-eaten vegetables.
Lewis discovers he's newly sympathetic with the worst father in British literature, Auberon Waugh, who ate his three daughters’ ration of bananas in front of them, with cream and sugar, just after the war.
These books that present parenthood as charming and effortless would be more useful if they served as an antidote to the compulsively scheduled child of last decade, pushed about in a $500 Bugaboo with a clothing budget equal to the GDP of a developing country. But I'm afraid English prams roll on for these casual parents, just not at the expense of adult toys such as a $1,000 espresso machine or the second honeymoon. What these parents spend less of is time—on worrying about being a good parent, and not being one. They are liberated from that anxiety, that Judith Warner in her 2005 bestseller, Perfect Madness, describes as a "caught by the throat feeling" that mothers (and fathers) are "always doing something wrong" even when they are sacrificing mightily to get it right.
The self-deprecating literary competition to be the worst parent on the block take much of that away, but fortunately not all. What would life—or psychiatry—be without the Bad Mother and, now, Father? There's lots of ways to raise kids. They survive most mistakes. Ask Courtney Carlson.
John Talks Joe
Lloyd Grove is editor at large for The Daily Beast. He is also a frequent contributor to New York magazine and was a contributing editor for Condé Nast Portfolio. He wrote a gossip column for the New York Daily News from 2003 to 2006. Prior to that, he wrote the Reliable Source column for the Washington Post, where he spent 23 years covering politics, the media, and other subjects.
Amateur Hour at the White House
Leslie H. Gelb, a former New York Times columnist and senior government official, is author of Power Rules: How Common Sense Can Rescue American Foreign Policy (HarperCollins 2009), a book that shows how to think about and use power in the 21st century. He is president emeritus of the Council on Foreign Relations.
Going Rogue: The Index
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
Stop Indulging, America
Margaret Carlson is a columnist for Bloomberg News. She was a columnist and deputy Washington bureau chief for Time magazine.
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Margaret Carlson is a columnist for Bloomberg News. She was a columnist and deputy Washington bureau chief for Time magazine.
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Margaret Carlson is a columnist for Bloomberg News. She was a columnist and deputy Washington bureau chief for Time magazine.
Is this really a new trend? The father of my children called them "rug rats", and thought all children should be housed together, and this was forty years ago. It turned out he was not kidding. Guess the difference is that women have now bought into this. But good to know the institution of marriage survives as defined between a man and a woman. Isn't that what all the fuss is about nowadays?
Margaret Carlson the women who uses sexism to bring down other women?
What non-bigoted person has use for Carlson?
http://unapologeticfeminist.com/2009/06/sexist-journalist-margaret-carls on/
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One could say the Governor fits this approach to parenting. After all, she is devoted to her job and first dude, and waited to feign horror for her children when it was politically advantageous. Bingo !
and those wuvable protesters complained that dave's son was born OUT OF WEDLOCK which makes him a BASTARD and called his wife a SLUT for it!
and saw no IRONY in it!
I think you mean Evelyn Waugh - his son Auberon was a young child during WWII (b.1939).
Raising my son in the era of child-centered parenting, I understand that parents are starting to feel lost. They are feeling like they have no identity other than chauffer, secretary, cook and atm machine.
When perfection is the goal, how can there not be parents that feel overwhelmed and angry? This trend of admitting failure I think is all about trying to show others that they are not alone.
The point the author is trying to make is that we are not in the era of child-centered parenting but parent-centered parenting. Before you start feeling sorry for yourself please remember that YOU decided to bring your child into the world. Your child did not ask to be born. No one is asking you to be perfect. Just that you stop thinkg of yourself all the time and put the needs of your child first. He deserves nothing less.
As a childless adult it sickens me how self centered parents are nowadays. Case in point: Caylee Anthony's mom. She is the extreme but I think there are more people out there like her then society wishes to admit. You should see how many mothers and fathers are out partying at clubs every weekend. They go out more than me and I'm single and unmarried!!! It's disgusting!!!!Your kids are HUMAN BEINGS not purse accessories. When you have kids, it's not about you!! It's about them!! I feel sorry for the millions of innocent children with selfish idiots for parents. It really breaks my heart.
Bad parenting is failing to put the best interests of the child on par with oneself.
The very best environment for a child is a truly loving family.
No parent is perfect, and the drive for perfection is damaging to the child. if a child sees his parents working always for everything to be perfect, including him, he learns that he is never good enough to win the approval of his parents.
If a child sees that his parents think more of themselves than of him, he learns that he will never be good enough to win their approval.
Either way, the child looses.
Loving a child is more important that getting everything perfect.
Loving parents who allow their love for each other to increase their love for their child are the very best parents a child could have.
Mistakes, stupidity, ignorance, occassional selfishness, all are covered under the mantle of authentic love for the child.
But this kind of love rarely makes the best seller list.
It isn't controversial enough.
Hear Hear!!
Need a new photo for the article. There should be perfectly behaved kids, not having fun like they are.
I don't think it's really about bad parenting. It's about being a normal human being. It's about the mistakes every parent makes and that your kids will survive.
I know so many people who live in total fear that they will ruin their children. And in the process they seem to be achieving that very goal. These poor children are scheduled to death. A long list of music, dance, and schooling lessons and not enough quality time to just be a child. These children are so spoiled that you know the transition to adulthood is going to be traumatic.
You have to remain a whole person if you want to create functional and new ones yourself. Give yourself that much... You'll screw up, but they'll live. It's ok...
Carlson completely missed the point of Lewis' book, which is the same as Carlson's next-to-last line, "They survive most mistakes." His point was he doesn't obsess over every little thing. Kids are resilient and parents have to go to great extents to screw them up.
Condoms anyone?
I see Margaret Carlson's name and I will no longer read what she has to say. Any one who thinks it is OK to call women sluts needs to crawl under a rock and stay there. You HURT women. And btw, I did not read you post, but I will say this: bravo for women who have the guts to say they want more out of life than to be a perfect mother. I am tired of women who beat up women for exactly how they opt to raise children.
The best thing a woman can do for her kids: educate Before you procreate! And yes, staying off welfare is a surefire way to produce children who stay off welfare. Them's the facts.
Sallyma, next time read the post before commenting. She didn't call anyone a slut. Take your own advice and educate....yourself.
oh, sorry, I thought by now everyone knows that Carlson did not object to Letterman calling Palin a slut--and by extenstion me and you, Am-I-Dreaming.
Carlson used every sexist code word to find fault with Palin and didn't bother to mention the slut word as applied to Palin and stewardesses.
Carlson is a girl's worst nightmare: willing to overlook misogyny when it is applied to a woman they don't like. I don't like Carlson and will not read a word she says again, but anyone who calls Carlson the S word is putrid. GET it? women who refuse to use their platform to say no to sexism, SUCK.
btw, to forstall those who want to spread sexism by calling me a republican, I am a full-fledged dem who thinks abortion is a human right. Pro-force is as ugly as calling women sluts.
"I see Margaret Carlson's name and I will no longer read what she has to say."
Then why are you posting, sallyma? By your own admission you don't even read her stuff. If you're not reading her articles, then you have nothing to contribute but negativity, right?
there is more of a passing the issue here.
the chief way to learn is imitation, right?
babyboomers were epically neglectful about their kids... the future generations are simply aping their lessors....
So, so tragic when parenting is seen as a "burden" than what it really is: the difficult job of raising children to become responsible, caring adults. Too many parents go about child rearing with a "me" philosophy where the kids are an appendage that need to be managed for the parents' own comfort.
What you end up with are children who grow to adulthood thinking they can manipulate the world to their own advantage, motivated only by their own desires and needs. They become people deficient in the ability to empathize with others, to really connect on a human level, and expect everyone and everything to be "at their service."
This is the reason the world is so f-cked up. Everyone lives on their own private island and parents who reinforce this philosophy are now raising a next generation of the self-involved...at a cost to society as a whole.
If you are an adult living out your own life as a continuous childhood, well, don't have children.
With children having babies and lack of social morality or set norms, it is almost conceivable that no one actually parents anymore. Someone needs to be the disciplinary between the parents, but most people now have babies without two parents anymore. With such a uneducated and socially immature culture, it is clear to see why parenting does not exist. You have 20 year olds with financial issues, partaking in culture that rewards stupidity and inherited wealth, rather than hard work and strong morals. American morality is harder to find. I never have seen a country where women and men do no planning or work raising their family as much as in the U.S. But, they have no problem accepting my money to help with raising their kid? It is about taking care of yourself and your family. If you can not do that, then do not have kids. I do not need to pay for them anymore.
With children having babies and lack of social morality or set norms, it is almost conceivable that no one actually parents anymore. Someone needs to be the disciplinary between the parents, but most people now have babies without two parents anymore. With such a uneducated and socially immature culture, it is clear to see why parenting does not exist. You have 20 year olds with financial issues, partaking in culture that rewards stupidity and inherited wealth, rather than hard work and strong morals. American morality is harder to find. I never have seen a country where women and men do no planning or work raising their family as much as in the U.S. But, they have no problem accepting my money to help with raising their kid? It is about taking care of yourself and your family. If you can not do that, then do not have kids. I do not need to pay for them anymore.
With children having babies and lack of social morality or set norms, it is almost conceivable that no one actually parents anymore. Someone needs to be the disciplinary between the parents, but most people now have babies without two parents anymore. With such a uneducated and socially immature culture, it is clear to see why parenting does not exist. You have 20 year olds with financial issues, partaking in culture that rewards stupidity and inherited wealth, rather than hard work and strong morals. American morality is harder to find. I never have seen a country where women and men do no planning or work raising their family as much as in the U.S. But, they have no problem accepting my money to help with raising their kid? It is about taking care of yourself and your family. If you can not do that, then do not have kids. I do not need to pay for them anymore.
With children having babies and lack of social morality or set norms, it is almost conceivable that no one actually parents anymore. Someone needs to be the disciplinary between the parents, but most people now have babies without two parents anymore. With such a uneducated and socially immature culture, it is clear to see why parenting does not exist. You have 20 year olds with financial issues, partaking in culture that rewards stupidity and inherited wealth, rather than hard work and strong morals. American morality is harder to find. I never have seen a country where women and men do no planning or work raising their family as much as in the U.S. But, they have no problem accepting my money to help with raising their kid? It is about taking care of yourself and your family. If you can not do that, then do not have kids. I do not need to pay for them anymore.
With children having babies and lack of social morality or set norms, it is almost conceivable that no one actually parents anymore. Someone needs to be the disciplinary between the parents, but most people now have babies without two parents anymore. With such a uneducated and socially immature culture, it is clear to see why parenting does not exist. You have 20 year olds with financial issues, partaking in culture that rewards stupidity and inherited wealth, rather than hard work and strong morals. American morality is harder to find. I never have seen a country where women and men do no planning or work raising their family as much as in the U.S. But, they have no problem accepting my money to help with raising their kid? It is about taking care of yourself and your family. If you can not do that, then do not have kids. I do not need to pay for them anymore.
With children having babies and lack of social morality or set norms, it is almost conceivable that no one actually parents anymore. Someone needs to be the disciplinary between the parents, but most people now have babies without two parents anymore. With such a uneducated and socially immature culture, it is clear to see why parenting does not exist. You have 20 year olds with financial issues, partaking in culture that rewards stupidity and inherited wealth, rather than hard work and strong morals. American morality is harder to find. I never have seen a country where women and men do no planning or work raising their family as much as in the U.S. But, they have no problem accepting my money to help with raising their kid? It is about taking care of yourself and your family. If you can not do that, then do not have kids. I do not need to pay for them anymore.
With children having babies and lack of social morality or set norms, it is almost conceivable that no one actually parents anymore. Someone needs to be the disciplinary between the parents, but most people now have babies without two parents anymore. With such a uneducated and socially immature culture, it is clear to see why parenting does not exist. You have 20 year olds with financial issues, partaking in culture that rewards stupidity and inherited wealth, rather than hard work and strong morals. American morality is harder to find. I never have seen a country where women and men do no planning or work raising their family as much as in the U.S. But, they have no problem accepting my money to help with raising their kid? It is about taking care of yourself and your family. If you can not do that, then do not have kids. I do not need to pay for them anymore.
Ghetto America at its best. gross
What a great opportunity to comment on the current state of parenthood. I, for one, hope the over indulgent attitude of the past ten years-- when it comes to raising children--is over and done with for good. However, I do hope some its vestiges remain. Many of us were probably better parents than we were meant to be, thanks to a culture that taught us it was neccessary to cater to our children like pampered movie stars.
I am a good mother by my own standards. I have a nutritious dinner on the table every night, with an occassional pizza night thrown in. I went to most--but not all--of the thousands of soccer games over 16 years with three kids. They had birthday parties, were read to, were tutored when they needed it, were not over indulged with gifts, worked for their first cars, were helped with college but also saved money, and all have had jobs since they were 14.
I, on the other hand, had parents that didn't put a lot of thought into parenting. My siblings and I sort of drifted through childhood without learning good survival skills. Let me tell you something: I wouldn't do anything differently than I have as a mother. I took my parenting role seriously. as the profession deserves. Career-wise, I'm not where I'd like to be, but that is the sacrifice I made. I can feel good that I raised children that can go out into the world and contribute something meaningful to society and what better reward is there?
I think worse than the rampant over-indulgence of some parents is the self-absorbed parent who refuses to subscribe to the over-done style of parenting. They are both extremes and are both unhealthy. One is obviously the backlash to the other, but whend does the pendulum swing to the middle?
Thank you.
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