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Are the Glory Days of Fatherhood Over?
Michael Lewis, author of Moneyball and Liar's Poker, says in his new book, Home Game, that the modern nuclear family has become a Moroccan souk, where every chore can be haggled over.
I inherited from my father a peculiar form of indolence—not outright laziness so much as a gift for avoiding unpleasant chores without attracting public notice. My father took it almost as a matter of principle that most problems, if ignored, simply went away. And that his children were, more or less, among those problems. “I didn’t even talk to you until you went away to col¬lege,” he once said to me, as he watched me attempt to dress a six-month-old. “Your mother did all the dirty work.”
When I became a father I really had only one role model: my own father. He bequeathed to me an attitude to the job. But the job had changed.
This wasn’t entirely true, but it’d pass cleanly through any polygraph. For the tedious and messy bits of my childhood my father was, like most fathers of his generation, absent. (News of my birth he received by telegram.) In theory, his tendency to appear only when we didn’t really need him should have left a lingering emo¬tional distance; he should have paid some terrible psy¬chological price for his refusal to suffer. But the stone cold fact is his children still love him, just as much as they love their mother. They don’t hold it against him that he never addressed their diaper rash, or fixed their lunches, or rehearsed the lyrics to “I’m a Jolly Old Snow¬man.” They don’t even remember! My mother did all the dirty work, and without receiving an ounce of extra emotional credit for it. Small children are ungrateful; to do one a favor is, from a business point of view, about as shrewd as making a subprime mortgage.
When I became a father I really had only one role model: my own father. He bequeathed to me an atti¬tude to the job. But the job had changed. I was equipped to observe, with detached amusement and good cheer, my children being raised. But a capacity for detached amusement was no longer a job qualification. The glory days were over.
Book Info: Home Game: An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood By Michael Lewis 192 pages. $23.95. W.W. Norton & Company.
This is a snapshot of what I assume will one day be looked back upon as a kind of Dark Age of Fatherhood. Obviously, we’re in the midst of some long unhappy transition between the model of fatherhood as practiced by my father and some ideal model, approved by all, to be practiced with ease by the perfect fathers of the future. But for now there’s an unsettling absence of universal, or even local, standards of behavior. Within a few miles of my house I can find perfectly sane men and women who regard me as a Neanderthal who should do more to help my poor wife with the kids, and just shut up about it. But I can also find other perfectly sane men and women who view me as a Truly Modern Man and marvel aloud at my ability to be both breadwinner and domestic dervish—doer of an approximately 31.5 per¬cent of all parenting. The absence of standards is the social equivalent of the absence of an acknowledged fair price for a good in a marketplace. At best, it leads to haggling; at worst, to market failure.
John Talks Joe
Lloyd Grove is editor at large for The Daily Beast. He is also a frequent contributor to New York magazine and was a contributing editor for Condé Nast Portfolio. He wrote a gossip column for the New York Daily News from 2003 to 2006. Prior to that, he wrote the Reliable Source column for the Washington Post, where he spent 23 years covering politics, the media, and other subjects.
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Martin Jacques is the cofounder of the UK think tank Demos, writes a regular column for The Guardian, and is a visiting research fellow at the London School of Economics Asia Research Centre. His new book, When China Rules the World, is available now.
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Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
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Author Michael Lewis is currently a contributing writer to the New York Times Magazine, a columnist for Bloomberg, and a visiting fellow at the University of California, Berkeley. His new book, Panic: The Story of Modern Financial Insanity, comes out next month.
Lewis: "When I became a father I really had only one role model: my own father."
Yes, if you're thinking about a "role" and an identity label of "father." Seems like this author is all about role playing.
He had three other childhood models: his mother, himself and his siblings.
Too bad he can't get that he also internalized his mother -- he had two PARENTS.
He had siblings who taught him lots about children. But most importantly he had himself. And a PARENT who comes from his own childhood truth with be a great and natural PARENT. Chores and keeping score would fade into the background and haggling would not be such a major deal.
Too bad he forgot his own child. Too bad he's living a role -- drolly.
WTF, you really need to take a chill pill, I thought it was an interesting article.
It was a nice read. I do agree with joymars, however. There are plenty of people influencing us over the years. In fact, there are a lot of things my father did do that 'influenced' me not to do as he did, thank you very much, with the kids.
I first remember reading Michael Lewis when he was reporting on the Microsoft trial for Slate. He was great, I loved it, except that he quickly wearied of it, the articles ceased being about the trial and instead were about Michael Lewis. Then he quit. I've only read one of his books, Moneyball, and I enjoyed that. On the other hand, he wrote a column for Slate a while back about moving to Paris with his wife and daughters. The basic theme: male incompetence due to impatience and indifference will amuse you. Except that it didn't. His current "effort" seems to continue this tired theme.
Being a parent means little more than doing what needs to be done. Of course, as women have gained options outside the home, the details of what needs doing have changed. But Lewis is hardly on the cutting edge here. My own father--born in 1928-- fixed my breakfast every morning of my childhood from the time I was about 8. My mom taught school, and had to be at work before he did. It just made sense. And my dad never acted like it was remotely unusual that he was preparing breakfast just because his dad hadn't fixed the breakfast in their home. If Lewis were to paint such a scene he would try to make it more interesting by showing himself screwing up pouring a bowl of cereal. Except that screwing things up out of impatience and indifference is not remotely interesting. To me at least. Presumably some people are amused or my radio wouldn't be inundating me with his book tour every time I turn it on.
Here's how I try to be a good father - I remember everything my own father did...then do the opposite. So far I have 3 healthy and happy girls whom I love more than anything.
Worked at home in part to enjoy sharing the raising of my children now grown and gone. Looking back they were the best years of my life.
Might not have been so wonderful were we not prosperous enough to hire housecleaners and mothers' helpers who did much of household drudgery leaving me free to really hang out the children.
What Michael is really describing is the way we live now post middle class America!
Dr "Mark" Klein?
Aren't you the guy who always writes about how horrible it it that women have civil rights now - when you aren't railing about minorities?
You wrote this post as if you were a full time housewife.
Are you a woman?
If so, why did your parents name you "Mark"?
Or, are you so sexist that you don't let your wife post under her own name, she has to use your screenname?
You really are a piece of work, aren't you?
And, if you are a woman - I think that, much as men have to do half of the housework, women should bring in half of the money - no lolling around sitting on your butt at home while your husband is working, you have to get out there and make money too!
It's not the 1950's anymore!
" But the stone cold fact is his children still love him, just as much as they love their mother."
Maybe not. I often wonder why when someone is on television being recognized, he or she most often says "hi Mom" or "love you Mom" but rarely mentions dad?
The absent father who tries but fails (cue the laugh track) is so tired, and Michael Lewis writing about it makes it even more tired. Papa Je'e needs to discover 2009 and get gender balanced, he's 50% responsible for the children he has; why is it so difficult for him to comprehend that he owes it to his children to put in 50% of the effort. No one forced him to have children, it was his decision. Seems like a whiny babyboomer brat complaining about how tough it is to care about the children he created. I do feel sorry for him, but probably not in way he was hoping.
In the 50s and 60s men were breadwinners, women raised the kids, at least in middle class suburban, more often white than not, families. Labor unions were stronger; blue collar and lower to middle management workers/execs could enjoy a middle class lifestyle, owned home, two cars, (state) college for the kids, occasional restaurant or movie type night out and maybe even a cabin on a lake and secure defined benefit retirement. Now social arrangements are different; two incomes are needed to support a middle class lifestyle. Women have to do most of the childrearing, but men are no longer favored in the workplace. A lot of people from Lewis' background and social strata helped bring about and hailed this rearrangement in the name of "equality" and womens' rights." But it's the more modest people who will increasingly suffer as we leave the finance driven economic system behind and settle into less than first world status. Thanks so much all you Ivy League left wingers and your brothers (and sisters) on Wall Street. George Patton
So, Patton, what exactly is so terrible about women having economic independence?
And men not being lazy barnacles at home and actually participating in housework and raising kids, instead of sitting on their butts watching TV?
That sounds GOOD to me, a step forward!
This guy sounds like a lazy jerk.
If you want to have kids, then you are going to have to do some actual parenting!
It's not the 1950's - men have to change diapers too now - get used to it!
And if you don't like it, you shouldn't have had kids in the first place!
Gregoryabutler: I never said anything critical of women and economic independence. And I don't uderstand your comment: "And men being lazy barnacles at home, etc."
You're obviously don't have the intelligence to grasp my subtle and extremely perceptive remarks. Why don't you take your keyboard...and shove it!? George Patton
GeorgePatton
Don't flatter yourself. Your remarks were neither subtle,nor extremely perceptive. In fact, the smell of them leads me to believe that you pulled them from the very same location that you suggested Mr. Butler shove his keyboard.
Spinozareader: My comments which Butt-ler so clumsily misconstrued don't stink; they sparkle with wisdom, you moron. George Patton
"Butt-ler"???
I haven't heard that juvenile joke about my last name SINCE 6TH GRADE!!!!
You're really showing your maturity here, Private Patton!
I know you are, but what am I? (Employing the same-caliber argumentative style you use. Thought it best to keep it on a level you seem to understand.)
Trust me--you're the only one who'd view your commentary with the hallowed reverencethat you seem to feel it deserves.
I'm single, but I've read everything Michael Lewis has published - leaving me torn on what to do about this book. Right now the plan is to hold off until I have children - sorta like a present for achieving a societal benchmark. Though I run the risk of losing out on important pre-marital advice. At any rate, I'm sure the book is fantastic.
Recently I heard Tom Wolfe asked which author was his favorite, without hesitation he replied, "Michael Lewis."
It's well known that many people---having had a difficult childhood with less than examplary parents---completely go the other way. They've decided THEIR children are going to have the childhood they've never had, they're going to feel loved, have their needs met and the attention they deserve. It's important for you to note, that, unlike you, some people don't adopt their parents' poor parenting style, but rather, strive to overcome it.
I am one such parent. My parents did many things well, but they failed us in many areas. When I had my own children, I wanted to spare them the insecurities and consequences that come along with having a rather difficult childhood, and since I lacked the skills to compensate, I've had to make a lot of it up as I went along. I am very connected and close to my children, and their needs are very important to me. My parents had the feeling that kids can just kind of raise themselves, and I lacked a lot of life skills as a result. I think I've done a pretty good job with my own, although, I am far from perfect. But I hardly call the old days of "seat of your pants" parenting, the "Glory Days." Not in this competitive world. Your kids need every chance they have to get out of the starting gate with a solid background.
You should honestly assess your parenting style and get up every day and ask yourself, "How can I do better?"
You owe it to your kids.
In fact, it's not a bad way to look at every aspect of your life.
Thank you.
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