Runaway Governor: The Sequel

Mary Ann Chastain / AP Photo Coming soon to a Statehouse near you: After South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford's disappearing act, Kathleen Parker muses on the attention-grabbing strategies the other 2012 Republican contenders are plotting.

The mysterious six-day vanishing act of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford has other aspiring Republican presidential candidates scrambling to raise their national profiles.

“Let’s face it,” said one governor. “A week ago, 10 people outside South Carolina knew the name Mark Sanford. Today, the entire world knows who he is. Oh, quel maverick! Quel mystery man!”

“A week ago, 10 people outside South Carolina knew the name Mark Sanford. Today, the entire world knows who he is. Oh, quel maverick! Quel mystery man!”

The South Carolina governor, it turns out, needed a little downtime after wrestling with the federal government over stimulus money he didn’t want but was forced to take. He left town without telling even his wife where he was going and was incommunicado for several days.

Now the governor tells us he wasn't hiking the Appalachian Trail, as his staff originally said. Instead, he was in Buenos Aires. Alone. Right. Whatever. The explanation du jour—very likely to be followed by another before we finish chewing this one over—is that he considered hiking on the Appalachian Trail, an activity he said he has enjoyed since he was a high school student. "But I said 'no' I wanted to do something exotic," Sanford said. "... It's a great city."

As stunts go, this one doesn’t trump the time Sanford brought two piglets to the statehouse chamber to protest pork (get it?)—but the ploy worked. For several hours, Sanford nudged out Iran, North Korea, and Perez Hilton to lead The Drudge Report. The governor, meanwhile, reports being baffled that people got themselves so worked up. Can’t a governor drop out of sight for a few days?

While South Carolinians decide how to answer that question, we checked with other GOP frontrunners for 2012 to see what they might be plotting to tip the kliegs their way. Our curiosity was not misplaced—several governors have been calling emergency meetings to map out attention-grabbing strategies. We concede that the following could just be rumor, but we’re hearing that:

Mitt Romney has been meeting with seasoned politicos and consultants to try to tone down his just-scrubbed image. First up is John Edwards, who will show Romney how to achieve that dry-hair look while keeping every follicle in place. The former Massachusetts governor also will be meeting with Lil Wayne and Young Jeezy for tips on how to banter in the ’hood about “bling” without telegraphing that he’s never actually been this close to a black person before.

Sarah Palin will be hosting a series of international colloquia in Alaska to discuss abstinence-only energy policies. “Just Don’t Go Anywhere” is the title of the first gathering. Asked to explain this novel approach to energy independence, Palin said:

“Look, my parents didn’t hand me a passport and give me a backpack and say, ‘Go off and travel the world.’ No, I’ve worked all my life. And besides, you can see Russia from my back door. That’s how you save energy. You stay put. When Putin rears his head and comes into the airspace of the United States of America, where do they go? It’s just right over the border. By not going anywhere, not only do we save gas and reduce our energy dependence on terrorists who pal around with Barack Obama and Bill Ayers, but an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia. Ta-Da!”