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The Passion of Mark Sanford
Thanks for your beautiful words, I don’t know if I do need or not therapy but I have to find my new place in this new stage of my life. Life has been very generous with me and I want to return at least a little bit of what I have been given. I have time and think helping others who haven’t been as lucky as me will do me fine. . . Miss you so much . . . love you from the deepest of my heart. Sweet kisses.
The Mark Sanford who writes long emails about working on his farm, the challenges of political life, the women he has loved and who have loved him, is Everyman in search of the one thing that has driven men to heights and depths since the beginning of time—the gleam of approval in a woman’s eye.
I remember Jenny, or someone close to me, once commenting that while my mom was pleasant and warm it was sad she had never accomplished anything of significance. I replied that they were wrong because she had the ultimate of all gifts—and that was the ability to love unconditionally. The rarest of all commodities in this world is love. It is that thing that we all yearn for at some level—to be simply loved unconditionally for nothing more than who we are—not what we can get, give or become.
As he has apologized to various assemblies and individuals the past week, Sanford has invoked biblical teachings about humility and forgiveness. A cynic might question the use of religion as a landing pad when one is tumbling from a place of power into the abyss of iniquity. But Sanford quotes scripture in his love letters as well. Love is blind, yes. Love is cruel. And then there are those rare times in life, apparently, when love is downright biblical.
I looked to where I often look for advice and counsel, and in I Corinthians 13 it simply says that, “ Love is patient and kind, love is not jealous or boastful, it is not arrogant or rude, Love does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful, it does not rejoice in the wrong, but rejoices in the right, Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things.”
But, does love forgive?
In the movie now unfolding, the wife offers forgiveness following penance. She is the tough, noble, confident, and dedicated mother, who also happens to hold all the power in her marriage. Don’t cry for me, Sullivan’s Island. The first lady of South Carolina will decide when the governor has paid enough. Or if he ever can.
The other woman always recognized that theirs was an impossible love, as she wrote in her email. He is married. She is separated. Both have children. Thousands of miles separate them. Fate did not prescribe their union during these particular revolutions of earth on its axis. Like millions of fraught lovers before and yet to follow, they may be destined to mark the remainder of their days by that singular time when the heart beats a little faster, when the light seemed a little softer, when the sweet agony of solace made them blind to the mire of reality.
In one of his emails, Sanford wrote: “I better stop now least this really sound like the Thornbirds—wherein I was always upset with Richard Chamberlain for not dropping his ambitions and running into Maggie’s arms.”
Chamberlain, of course, chose Rome over the object of his heart's ache, forfeiting love and dying a broken man. What Sanford chooses remains to be seen, but this much we know, though it pains us to admit: If this really were a movie, we’d be pulling for the Argentine.
Kathleen Parker is a syndicated columnist with the Washington Post Writers Group and author of Save the Males.
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kansasrefugee
Interesting analysis and collection of information.
I tend to disagree with a few points, though:
1. I don't think Mrs. Sanford holds all the power in the marriage. She apparently does have financial means, which I wish she would mention when she says "I will survive. God will provide." Gov. Sanford may not survive politically, but I think maybe he doesn't want to.
2. I think Gov. Sanford looks like a needy, immature, narcissistic guy who falsely idolized his mother and never differentiated from her. I suspect Jenny Sanford has the same emotional immaturity, as does the Argentianian woman (although it may manifest differently in each of them). This drama we are all watching seems to be an effort by these people to grow up. Unfortunately it seems to be at taxpayer expense.
3. Does Gov. Sanford have any interest in, or know what is going on with his children (from their perspective)?
4. I think accomplishment, compassion and commitment to relationships are not mutually exclusive traits in a person (of either gender).
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kansasrefugee
Re: No.2: Well, actually, the odds of Sanford changing are almost zero, because there is no one he feels is sufficiently perceptive and intelligent to understand him. It's the dirty little secret of NPD.... mental health professionals don't like people with NPD because they can help 20 people with depression come back from the dead in same amount of time it takes them to get absolutely nowhere with a narcissist. So there is no hope except for old age. And it's only a very few narcissists who eventually manage to look back on the wreckage they've left scattered behind them during their lifetimes and come to understand that they played a role in causing the mayhem.
Re: No.3 Gov. Sanford is an empathy-free zone. According to textbooks, he was scarred by something that happened to him between the ages of 3 and 5. It could have been an event that most people would find insignificant; but it crippled his ability to put himself in someone else's shoes - there's no empathy there. He hasn't a clue what the boys feel. In fact, he believes that the boys are extensions of him, and that they naturally approve of whatever he feels is important for his happiness.
Re: Kathleen Parker. I have defended her on many occasions as a person who writes well, is often a fun read, and is not afraid to cross swords with the dinosaurs. But from now on, when I read her, my affection will be tempered by the knowledge that she is also unable to imagine what life would be like for her three sons if her husband were to run off on a boinking mission with some steaming little hussy. Because, in the end, it's not about what she or her husband may want for themselves, it's all about their boys. And the degree to which parents understand this is the measure of their worth to society - and a measure of their success in disciplining themselves to channel what is mankind's primitive, hunter-gatherer behaviour into something that will advance the currently precarious state of our planet's evolution.
asnevitt
Thank you for this. I get so tired of all the condoning and even worshiping we do of narcissists. It's even worse when we see the "wounded narcissist" who leaves a trail of destruction behind him and we portray him as the "tragic suffering hero". We will never grow as a society until we can learn to identify and do what we can to mitigate the behaviors of narcissists. I do believe that if we could see the lack of empathy, real empathy, not the acted-out kind that you can see when they know it's what's expected or because it relates to themselves in some way, in young children, we could have a chance at addressing it while their still developing. But, as you wrote, once they're adults, there is not a single case of altering that character trait. At that point, we need to identify it, protect ourselves from it and push back against it as often as possible. Not aggrandize it as Kathleen Parker does here.
davidcannon
I very much enjoyed Kathleen Parker's article. I also enjoyed your comments. They seem plausable. But, I feel you are too certain of your convictions. You may indeed be right, but just how much do you know this man to have the certainity you have? I read your comments as interesting, insightful speculation.
BovaryfromBeyond
This is extremely insightful.
Narcissistically, Sanford has built up a narrative around himself that he is a romantic hero and the media are falling for it!
See this interesting article: http://adairjones.wordpress.com/2009/08/23/addicted-to-love-clinging-to-the -narrative-of-the-romantic-hero/
rguile4ever
Love can be painful , love can be too real. I have compassion for the man but NOT FOR HIS HYPOCRICSY!!!
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squiggy
yeah, I was thinking Harlequin romance!
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IKIDYOUNOT
Try Pretzels and Scotch . . . THEN try reading this article!
alex02139
Mark Sanford is the ultimate conservative hypocrite, and Parker here tries to make that into a heroic sensibility.
Parker's Republican spin machine at full tilt: it's not adultery, it's Love! What a joke. The problem here is the lying and the hypocrisy. Sanford led the charges against Bill Clinton, he led the GOP gay-bashing "family values" movement that sought to "save marriage." He lied to South Carolina officials when he said he went "hiking." He charged his flights to the taxpayers (while refusing to extend unemployment benefits to regular folks.) Sanford then compared himself to King David of biblical fame, except forgetting David loved and "knew" Jonathan as well as Bathsheba....
Sanford is tragic in the way a clown is tragic. Only the wife is more pathetic.
xlntcat
The adolescent assumption that Sanford's sappy, erotica is evidence of true love eludes me. To begin with,I can find Ms Parker any number of rednecks who could put the governor to shame without a face or body to attach to their ode. Sanford has made it crystal clear that he is capable of loving only himself. His refusal to resign amplifies his delusional sense of self-importance and his disregard for how his behavior affects his lover, his children, his state, and his wife.
Just for the record relationships that are built on betrayal and deceit have a very poor long term track record and these two paramours don't really even know each other. The altered state of consciousness known as "in love" has a very limited life expectancy. Either it grows into something more enduring or it burns itself out leaving both parties disillusioned. Now imagine when the flame burns out and you have to look at the haggard, unattractive Mark Sanford and put up with his delusions of entitlement. Maria does have an out, however, since she is still married herself. When faced with Sanford without his wife's money, without position, without power, it would take a whole lot more than southern "this is how I get laid" drivel to hold someone's attention.
If as reported by a GOP state representative Friday, Sanford diverted a 100K federal grant into his personal PAC, got caught and was allowed to reimburse the state for the theft, then it isn't surprising that South Carolina boast the second highest crime rate in the nation. If he won't resign, arrest him and then kick him out. All parties concerned including the mistress deserve better than Mark Sanford.
TREESKE
Falling madly in love s.a. midlife crisis, is no excuse for Hypocrisy.
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indyannan
Thank you for this article, the first that I've read that gets at the heart of this situation.
Having been through a similarly tragic love affair, I am definitely rooting for the Argentine although I don't think Sanford is man enough to follow his heart.
Strong-willed Jenny Sanford will gather herself together, cloak herself in self-righteousness and make the rest of his life miserable.
I never liked the man before this, he was too rigid and uptight. But seeing his heart explode in real time makes him a much more sympathetic character and confirms my instincts that controlling people are first and foremost trying to control themselves.
An epic tragedy.
BovaryfromBeyond
Only if you buy into the idea that what you feel should govern what you do. Betrayal is betrayal. It's motivated by selfishness. If you've been involved in something similar, perhaps you should take a good hard look at those on whom your behaviour has made an impact.
You seem to be judging Jenny rather harshly. She is right in this situation. He didn't have the courage to end the marriage honourably before pursuing someone else. Maria didn't have the strength of character to refuse his attention. All the pain they feel, they deserve. What Jenny and the boys are suffering is the real tragedy here.
Thankfully, the majority of comments here show that people still have faith in the formal bonds between people and that the promises they make to each other should have meaning.
kajuble
I agree with this article. I don't care if he's republican or democrat, hero or villain. This is a tragic story. He is a tragic figure. His wife and his kids are victims. But my heart goes out to this guy. He really loves this lady in Argentina. Those emails break my heart. I'm a hardcore Obama supporter, but I can't bring myself to demonize this human being. What a sad story.
xlntcat
There is a marked difference between the capacity to love and the capacity to be in heat. Sanford is in heat!
piktor
This disgusting tripe. A modern Zhivago in our midst. And the tremulous, sweat-beaded, pulsing firm skins, to-ing and frothing, the glistening dreamscapes- emancipating their langorous impetuosities. Ahoy ahead, faith-bound Romeo, Zhivago of the palmettos, your love is king, you: Bathsheba, don't cry for my Argentina, faster, harder, harder, deeper, don't stop, don't stop... the freedom train's a' coming!
K.Parker will rue the day she published this third-rate lover's adipose baloney.
middledge
Are we threatening writers now? the level of discourse is oozing below frog level..............the flow of meanness and hatred online and on the radio is disturbing and frightening.......
I thought Ms. Parker's take was really sweet and completely non-political...Mark Sanford is done, he has been thoroughly humiliated.....what do you want? heads on fence posts?
.I am putting myself on notice.....
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heyitstodd
What do I want? I want him to live up to his own words and resign. I could not care less that he was boning someone other than his wife. That could easily be forgiven; all he had to do was not act morally superior and in judgment of others before him. Too bad, so sad, get the hell out, worthless cad.
piktor
Mockery is no threat.
Mine is a prediction.
jojojackson
Great article. I noticed immediately this was not your typical tryst. How he got himself into this few know. But he has some tough decisions and stuff to go through. This is like a great romantic movie/novel being played out before our eyes.
Spasticula
Ohhhh... isn't it so sweet? It's like the Duke of Windsor abdicating for Wallis... if the Duke of Windsor had made los of mouthy, ignorant comment scapegoating and limitng the rights of gays, because they're a threat to his marraige, when in actuality the biggest threat to his marriage was his own c**k. Oh... it's all just so sweet.
captmiller
Kathleen, I bet the children are pulling for the "Argentine" as well... What has happened to you? I know Jenny Sanford and the boys personally- they aren't mere analogous characters from one of your beloved existentialist writers who justify ruining the lives of those they took an oath to cherish and protect, for richer, for poorer... This would be a better story if it ended like "Casablanca" with the lead character doing what is right, not expedient. Oh well, I guess that is too much to expect these days- good luck maintaining a nurturing culture where kids can count on fathers that keep their vows.
apparently
The thing to ask yourself since you know the Sanfords personally, is what was missing in the marriage that caused risking it all. Obviously, there was something.
davidcannon
Come on, all marriages lack something, even the good ones.
xlntcat
What was missing was missing the character of Mark Sanford. Research indicates that whereas women attribute their cheating to marital dissatisfaction, men rarely do. Oh they have their list of petty complaints involving ego strokes, but rarely attribute their infidelity to them. Sanford has a long history of secretiveness, erratic behavior, and rigid, judgementalism directed at others. He has accepted no responsibility for his behavior and feels that he should be immune from consequences. Mrs Sanford is the only one who can decide if she and her son's deserve better than Mark Sanford has the capacity to give. However, South Carolina deserves better than this emotional cripple who is clearly unfit to lead.
BovaryfromBeyond
It's narcissitic delusion not love. What do you think is going to happen? These two living together happily? It's attraction fanned by distance and the idea of "impossibility". So they destroy two families, leave pain, heartbreak and devastation in their wake, lose the respect of their respective children, then what? There they are together in the grind of daily life, each knowing the other is capable of lies, weakness and betrayal, the hurt faces of those they claimed to love hovering around like ghosts, shredded reputations and careers...Doesn't sound like happily-ever-after to me.
MissButterfly
I must admit, after reading the e-mails I felt a little bit like the author. But it read to me like what he really wanted was to get away from it all, you know, his job and all his other responsibilities. The girlfriend is FAR away, making her a perfect escape.
Then even more reality came pouring in, and I wondered what would happen if he left his job, his wife, his kids and familiar surroundings for Argentina and his lover. They get married and settle down to a comfortable life. So then what? In no time the fog wears off, and they both realize they're each married to childish jerks who couldn't do the right thing by anybody but themselves, and they start feeling disgust for each other. Then the marriage ends, and the former Governor wonders what ever possessed him to throw away his wonderful wife and children for that piece of trash.
One other thing, when he made his tearful apology, he mentioned the lover before he mentioned his wife or children - I think they'll wind up divorced.
xlntcat
For all of the deluded romantics who are "pulling for the Argentine", did it ever occur to any of you that the "Argentine" might want nothing to do with the disgraced unattractive man stripped of his wife's money, his position and his perceived power. Do you really think that her nineteen and seventeen year old son's would welcome this loser who had made their mother the local "puta" with open arms? It is highly likely that the impossibility of relationship fueled its attractiveness to both parties. It placed the relationship in the category or perpetual fantasy unsoiled by reality, by the necessary compromise of relating to one another on a daily basis, and they begin to blame each other for the loses each would necessarily incur. These people don't really know each other and probably don't really want to really know each other. Sanford tried to gain sympathy by portraying a sleazy something on the side as a true tragic love affair. What he created was national contempt and disgust.
finderj
This is not a grand romance.
This is stupid, petty selfishness with a nice bow on it.
"...pulling for the Argentine"?
Not bloody likely.
Nor Sanford either.
I pull for the kids.
Sanford had multiple opportunities to seek an honorable end to his marriage, and to resign his position.
He did not take those options.
Instead, he snuck around, cheated on his marriage, lied to his constituents, pussy-footed with his mistress, and didn't give a damn about his kids.
Do people deserve to be happy?
If one hasn't sacrificed convenience for one's children, if one has sacrificed honor and integrity, one isn't likely to find happiness anywhere. Likely, if one has the kind of character that allows this kind of stupid, humiliating, pig-ignorant, utterly self-serving behavior, one hasn't the capacity for authentic hapiness anyway.
The kind of people who cheat are the kind of people who cheat.
Who'd want one?
camfield
Exactly so! Well spoken.
cbeenthere
I think Bonnie and Clyde were more star-crossed than these two.
Thank you.
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