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The Passion of Mark Sanford
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The cheating governor—and his impractical, impossible love for a woman thousands of miles away—is the kind of tragic, heart-swelling tale that storybook romances are made of.
Plus: Read more of The Daily Beast's coverage of Palin's resignation and the GOP implosion.
They weren’t quite Petrarch’s sonnets to Laura, but South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s emails to his Argentine friend reveal a man both tortured and in love.
As such, he doesn’t fit the template of more familiar fallen men in America’s political arena. He didn’t hire a prostitute. He didn’t send lascivious emails to underlings. He didn’t behave oddly in a public restroom or solicit sex online. He didn’t hear those three little words—“You’re so hot”—and lose his senses. He didn’t plunder whatever was handy and try to parse the definition of sex.
Sanford is Everyman in search of that one thing—the gleam of approval in a woman’s eye.
He fell madly, passionately, blindingly... in love.
Reading the emails, published by The State newspaper following Sanford’s tearful confession, it is hard not to feel even greater sympathy for everyone involved. Rather than wanton expressions of lust—although there is some of that, too—most of the missives are deeply felt confessions of love, friendship, self-awareness, conflict, torment, and guilt.
One doesn’t have to excuse the transgression to see the larger content of human frailty and the quest, familiar to any with a heartbeat, for connection with the other. Eros, the life force, desperately trying to find a foothold in the arid landscape of Ordinary Life.
Love outside the bounds of convention is almost always a tragedy, without which there might be no literature. Thus, if I may part briefly from the required condemnation of his acts, the betrayal of his admirable, attractive wife and four sons, and his dishonest brokering of his executive role, I would like to propose that Mark Sanford is not a boor, but a tragic hero—Boris Pasternak’s Dr. Yuri Zhivago, the poet-doctor torn between his wife, Tonya, and the sensuous Lara.
Or a character in a Graham Greene novel, driven mad by love, tormented by the higher calling of duty, and punished by guilt. Wrote Sanford:
In all my life I have lived by a code of honor and at a variety of levels know I have crossed lines I would have never imagined. I wish I could wish it away, but this soul-mate feel I alluded too is real and in that regard I sure don’t want to be the person complicating your life.
The governor also seems unfamiliar with this rocky terrain—not an experienced casual user of women, but a man surprised by joy, desperate and unable to save himself.
I feel a little vulnerable because this is ground I have never certainly never covered before—so if you have pearls of wisdom on how we figure all this out please let me know ... In the meantime please sleep soundly knowing that despite the best efforts of my head my heart cries out for you, your voice, your body, the touch of your lips, the touch of your finger tips and an even deeper connection to your soul. I love you ... sleep tight.
If you’re the wife, of course, the crying heart is far harder to endure than the errant libido—the act of sex easier to forgive than the heart’s surrender. The prostitute or the silly girl is a mistake of the flesh, a cipher in the order of things. A “her.” An “it.”
The other woman who is intelligent and accomplished, as well as beautiful, is harder to reduce to animate object. The Maria who writes emails to Sanford from her sea-view chair on the island of Ilhabela is both at odds with her temptation and grateful to feel something as she tries to sort out her life. She even considers therapy.
John Talks Joe
Lloyd Grove is editor at large for The Daily Beast. He is also a frequent contributor to New York magazine and was a contributing editor for Condé Nast Portfolio. He wrote a gossip column for the New York Daily News from 2003 to 2006. Prior to that, he wrote the Reliable Source column for the Washington Post, where he spent 23 years covering politics, the media, and other subjects.
Why America Must Learn to Bow
Martin Jacques is the cofounder of the UK think tank Demos, writes a regular column for The Guardian, and is a visiting research fellow at the London School of Economics Asia Research Centre. His new book, When China Rules the World, is available now.
Going Rogue: The Index
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
'Mom, Dad—I Need $96K'
Kathleen Parker is a syndicated columnist with the Washington Post Writers Group and author of Save the Males.
Sanford May Have to Take a Hike, After All
Kathleen Parker is a syndicated columnist with the Washington Post Writers Group and author of Save the Males.
Runaway Governor: The Sequel
Kathleen Parker is a syndicated columnist with the Washington Post Writers Group and author of Save the Males.
Interesting analysis and collection of information.
I tend to disagree with a few points, though:
1. I don't think Mrs. Sanford holds all the power in the marriage. She apparently does have financial means, which I wish she would mention when she says "I will survive. God will provide." Gov. Sanford may not survive politically, but I think maybe he doesn't want to.
2. I think Gov. Sanford looks like a needy, immature, narcissistic guy who falsely idolized his mother and never differentiated from her. I suspect Jenny Sanford has the same emotional immaturity, as does the Argentianian woman (although it may manifest differently in each of them). This drama we are all watching seems to be an effort by these people to grow up. Unfortunately it seems to be at taxpayer expense.
3. Does Gov. Sanford have any interest in, or know what is going on with his children (from their perspective)?
4. I think accomplishment, compassion and commitment to relationships are not mutually exclusive traits in a person (of either gender).
kansasrefugee
Re: No.2: Well, actually, the odds of Sanford changing are almost zero, because there is no one he feels is sufficiently perceptive and intelligent to understand him. It's the dirty little secret of NPD.... mental health professionals don't like people with NPD because they can help 20 people with depression come back from the dead in same amount of time it takes them to get absolutely nowhere with a narcissist. So there is no hope except for old age. And it's only a very few narcissists who eventually manage to look back on the wreckage they've left scattered behind them during their lifetimes and come to understand that they played a role in causing the mayhem.
Re: No.3 Gov. Sanford is an empathy-free zone. According to textbooks, he was scarred by something that happened to him between the ages of 3 and 5. It could have been an event that most people would find insignificant; but it crippled his ability to put himself in someone else's shoes - there's no empathy there. He hasn't a clue what the boys feel. In fact, he believes that the boys are extensions of him, and that they naturally approve of whatever he feels is important for his happiness.
Re: Kathleen Parker. I have defended her on many occasions as a person who writes well, is often a fun read, and is not afraid to cross swords with the dinosaurs. But from now on, when I read her, my affection will be tempered by the knowledge that she is also unable to imagine what life would be like for her three sons if her husband were to run off on a boinking mission with some steaming little hussy. Because, in the end, it's not about what she or her husband may want for themselves, it's all about their boys. And the degree to which parents understand this is the measure of their worth to society - and a measure of their success in disciplining themselves to channel what is mankind's primitive, hunter-gatherer behaviour into something that will advance the currently precarious state of our planet's evolution.
Thank you for this. I get so tired of all the condoning and even worshiping we do of narcissists. It's even worse when we see the "wounded narcissist" who leaves a trail of destruction behind him and we portray him as the "tragic suffering hero". We will never grow as a society until we can learn to identify and do what we can to mitigate the behaviors of narcissists. I do believe that if we could see the lack of empathy, real empathy, not the acted-out kind that you can see when they know it's what's expected or because it relates to themselves in some way, in young children, we could have a chance at addressing it while their still developing. But, as you wrote, once they're adults, there is not a single case of altering that character trait. At that point, we need to identify it, protect ourselves from it and push back against it as often as possible. Not aggrandize it as Kathleen Parker does here.
I very much enjoyed Kathleen Parker's article. I also enjoyed your comments. They seem plausable. But, I feel you are too certain of your convictions. You may indeed be right, but just how much do you know this man to have the certainity you have? I read your comments as interesting, insightful speculation.
This is extremely insightful.
Narcissistically, Sanford has built up a narrative around himself that he is a romantic hero and the media are falling for it!
See this interesting article: http://adairjones.wordpress.com/2009/08/23/addicted-to-love-clinging-to-the -narrative-of-the-romantic-hero/
Love can be painful , love can be too real. I have compassion for the man but NOT FOR HIS HYPOCRICSY!!!
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yeah, I was thinking Harlequin romance!
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Try Pretzels and Scotch . . . THEN try reading this article!
Mark Sanford is the ultimate conservative hypocrite, and Parker here tries to make that into a heroic sensibility.
Parker's Republican spin machine at full tilt: it's not adultery, it's Love! What a joke. The problem here is the lying and the hypocrisy. Sanford led the charges against Bill Clinton, he led the GOP gay-bashing "family values" movement that sought to "save marriage." He lied to South Carolina officials when he said he went "hiking." He charged his flights to the taxpayers (while refusing to extend unemployment benefits to regular folks.) Sanford then compared himself to King David of biblical fame, except forgetting David loved and "knew" Jonathan as well as Bathsheba....
Sanford is tragic in the way a clown is tragic. Only the wife is more pathetic.
The adolescent assumption that Sanford's sappy, erotica is evidence of true love eludes me. To begin with,I can find Ms Parker any number of rednecks who could put the governor to shame without a face or body to attach to their ode. Sanford has made it crystal clear that he is capable of loving only himself. His refusal to resign amplifies his delusional sense of self-importance and his disregard for how his behavior affects his lover, his children, his state, and his wife.
Just for the record relationships that are built on betrayal and deceit have a very poor long term track record and these two paramours don't really even know each other. The altered state of consciousness known as "in love" has a very limited life expectancy. Either it grows into something more enduring or it burns itself out leaving both parties disillusioned. Now imagine when the flame burns out and you have to look at the haggard, unattractive Mark Sanford and put up with his delusions of entitlement. Maria does have an out, however, since she is still married herself. When faced with Sanford without his wife's money, without position, without power, it would take a whole lot more than southern "this is how I get laid" drivel to hold someone's attention.
If as reported by a GOP state representative Friday, Sanford diverted a 100K federal grant into his personal PAC, got caught and was allowed to reimburse the state for the theft, then it isn't surprising that South Carolina boast the second highest crime rate in the nation. If he won't resign, arrest him and then kick him out. All parties concerned including the mistress deserve better than Mark Sanford.
Falling madly in love s.a. midlife crisis, is no excuse for Hypocrisy.
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Thank you for this article, the first that I've read that gets at the heart of this situation.
Having been through a similarly tragic love affair, I am definitely rooting for the Argentine although I don't think Sanford is man enough to follow his heart.
Strong-willed Jenny Sanford will gather herself together, cloak herself in self-righteousness and make the rest of his life miserable.
I never liked the man before this, he was too rigid and uptight. But seeing his heart explode in real time makes him a much more sympathetic character and confirms my instincts that controlling people are first and foremost trying to control themselves.
An epic tragedy.
Only if you buy into the idea that what you feel should govern what you do. Betrayal is betrayal. It's motivated by selfishness. If you've been involved in something similar, perhaps you should take a good hard look at those on whom your behaviour has made an impact.
You seem to be judging Jenny rather harshly. She is right in this situation. He didn't have the courage to end the marriage honourably before pursuing someone else. Maria didn't have the strength of character to refuse his attention. All the pain they feel, they deserve. What Jenny and the boys are suffering is the real tragedy here.
Thankfully, the majority of comments here show that people still have faith in the formal bonds between people and that the promises they make to each other should have meaning.
I agree with this article. I don't care if he's republican or democrat, hero or villain. This is a tragic story. He is a tragic figure. His wife and his kids are victims. But my heart goes out to this guy. He really loves this lady in Argentina. Those emails break my heart. I'm a hardcore Obama supporter, but I can't bring myself to demonize this human being. What a sad story.
There is a marked difference between the capacity to love and the capacity to be in heat. Sanford is in heat!
This disgusting tripe. A modern Zhivago in our midst. And the tremulous, sweat-beaded, pulsing firm skins, to-ing and frothing, the glistening dreamscapes- emancipating their langorous impetuosities. Ahoy ahead, faith-bound Romeo, Zhivago of the palmettos, your love is king, you: Bathsheba, don't cry for my Argentina, faster, harder, harder, deeper, don't stop, don't stop... the freedom train's a' coming!
K.Parker will rue the day she published this third-rate lover's adipose baloney.
Are we threatening writers now? the level of discourse is oozing below frog level..............the flow of meanness and hatred online and on the radio is disturbing and frightening.......
I thought Ms. Parker's take was really sweet and completely non-political...Mark Sanford is done, he has been thoroughly humiliated.....what do you want? heads on fence posts?
.I am putting myself on notice.....
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What do I want? I want him to live up to his own words and resign. I could not care less that he was boning someone other than his wife. That could easily be forgiven; all he had to do was not act morally superior and in judgment of others before him. Too bad, so sad, get the hell out, worthless cad.
Mockery is no threat.
Mine is a prediction.
Great article. I noticed immediately this was not your typical tryst. How he got himself into this few know. But he has some tough decisions and stuff to go through. This is like a great romantic movie/novel being played out before our eyes.
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Kathleen, I bet the children are pulling for the "Argentine" as well... What has happened to you? I know Jenny Sanford and the boys personally- they aren't mere analogous characters from one of your beloved existentialist writers who justify ruining the lives of those they took an oath to cherish and protect, for richer, for poorer... This would be a better story if it ended like "Casablanca" with the lead character doing what is right, not expedient. Oh well, I guess that is too much to expect these days- good luck maintaining a nurturing culture where kids can count on fathers that keep their vows.
The thing to ask yourself since you know the Sanfords personally, is what was missing in the marriage that caused risking it all. Obviously, there was something.
Come on, all marriages lack something, even the good ones.
What was missing was missing the character of Mark Sanford. Research indicates that whereas women attribute their cheating to marital dissatisfaction, men rarely do. Oh they have their list of petty complaints involving ego strokes, but rarely attribute their infidelity to them. Sanford has a long history of secretiveness, erratic behavior, and rigid, judgementalism directed at others. He has accepted no responsibility for his behavior and feels that he should be immune from consequences. Mrs Sanford is the only one who can decide if she and her son's deserve better than Mark Sanford has the capacity to give. However, South Carolina deserves better than this emotional cripple who is clearly unfit to lead.
It's narcissitic delusion not love. What do you think is going to happen? These two living together happily? It's attraction fanned by distance and the idea of "impossibility". So they destroy two families, leave pain, heartbreak and devastation in their wake, lose the respect of their respective children, then what? There they are together in the grind of daily life, each knowing the other is capable of lies, weakness and betrayal, the hurt faces of those they claimed to love hovering around like ghosts, shredded reputations and careers...Doesn't sound like happily-ever-after to me.
I must admit, after reading the e-mails I felt a little bit like the author. But it read to me like what he really wanted was to get away from it all, you know, his job and all his other responsibilities. The girlfriend is FAR away, making her a perfect escape.
Then even more reality came pouring in, and I wondered what would happen if he left his job, his wife, his kids and familiar surroundings for Argentina and his lover. They get married and settle down to a comfortable life. So then what? In no time the fog wears off, and they both realize they're each married to childish jerks who couldn't do the right thing by anybody but themselves, and they start feeling disgust for each other. Then the marriage ends, and the former Governor wonders what ever possessed him to throw away his wonderful wife and children for that piece of trash.
One other thing, when he made his tearful apology, he mentioned the lover before he mentioned his wife or children - I think they'll wind up divorced.
For all of the deluded romantics who are "pulling for the Argentine", did it ever occur to any of you that the "Argentine" might want nothing to do with the disgraced unattractive man stripped of his wife's money, his position and his perceived power. Do you really think that her nineteen and seventeen year old son's would welcome this loser who had made their mother the local "puta" with open arms? It is highly likely that the impossibility of relationship fueled its attractiveness to both parties. It placed the relationship in the category or perpetual fantasy unsoiled by reality, by the necessary compromise of relating to one another on a daily basis, and they begin to blame each other for the loses each would necessarily incur. These people don't really know each other and probably don't really want to really know each other. Sanford tried to gain sympathy by portraying a sleazy something on the side as a true tragic love affair. What he created was national contempt and disgust.
This is not a grand romance.
This is stupid, petty selfishness with a nice bow on it.
"...pulling for the Argentine"?
Not bloody likely.
Nor Sanford either.
I pull for the kids.
Sanford had multiple opportunities to seek an honorable end to his marriage, and to resign his position.
He did not take those options.
Instead, he snuck around, cheated on his marriage, lied to his constituents, pussy-footed with his mistress, and didn't give a damn about his kids.
Do people deserve to be happy?
If one hasn't sacrificed convenience for one's children, if one has sacrificed honor and integrity, one isn't likely to find happiness anywhere. Likely, if one has the kind of character that allows this kind of stupid, humiliating, pig-ignorant, utterly self-serving behavior, one hasn't the capacity for authentic hapiness anyway.
The kind of people who cheat are the kind of people who cheat.
Who'd want one?
Exactly so! Well spoken.
I think Bonnie and Clyde were more star-crossed than these two.
Analysis is all very nice but give me a break with the sweet romance crap. It's great in fiction the same way that its satisfying watching bad guys die spectacularly in action movies but in real life violence is never worth glorifying. Same goes for "tragic love." The guy is married with kids. He not entitled to even think about romance with anyone else, no matter how nice it may play in fiction. Period, end of story (except in open marriages or something where all partners are consenting, then the more power to them)...
Sanford has long held other people accountable to a high standard. That includes self discipline and self control. Sure we get urges. But part of what defines our humanity is the ability to overcome our base instincts and control our behavior sometimes unnaturally for the greater good of our family units and society. We may hate someone but we don't kill them. We may desire something but we don't take it. And we may love someone but deny ourselves acting on it. This is what is expected of us and its really irrelevant how sweet his little crush may be or what messed him up when he was 5 or what his marriage is like. If he wants to full around, get a divorce. Otherwise, man up. If he can't do that, he doesn't deserve any sympathy.
I'm not sure that Kathleen is arguing the rightness of Sanford's feelings for his Argentine paramour as much as she is making the case that society has always romanticized this type of situation in literature. She is also demonstrating that this situation is unique in that Sanford did not choose the politically "easy" thing of distancing himself from the Argentine but has rather chosen to go down in flames. The script for surviving this type of thing is there as evidenced by so many philandering politicians who have gone before him: I made a mistake in judgement, I have hurt my wife and children whom I love, and we are committed to working through this, ad infinitum. He could have minimized his relationship with her and chose not to.He didn't choose this route and many pundits and commentators have been left scratching their heads and wondering "why".
This article read like a Danielle Steele paperback novel. And that is NOT a good thing. Do you see Sanford as some kind of hero or something? Wowsers.
Does anyone know how he met Maria?
On the dance floor of a South American bar while both were married...how romantic.
One thing that has been exposed is that Sanford has a history of seeking something on the side. The "dance floor of a South American bar" funded by the state of SC isn't where a man committed to honoring vows would be found. He refuses to do what all other governors do and list his schedule for the day, he eludes security and sneeks off in the middle of the day. This is a creep on the prowl for whatever turns up.
I find it funny all of you think it your place to comment on their love.
Everyone sounds silly and totally immature when they're in love, if you don't know that then obviously all your negativity is spawned by your increasingly loney un-loved hearts.
Love is blind, unconditional and apparently makes you a bad parent as well. What is so romantic about scurrying away to Argentina on Father's day to commit the ultimate betrayal to your family. His sons' are forever going to remember Father's day as the day their world changed. Its irrresponsible for Parker and others to glorify such an act of selfishness.
If anything, Sanford comes off as totally spineless. Parker must not have read the recent interview of his wife where he apparently begged her to visit his mistress. You either have an affair or you dont. Sanford is pathetic for trying to get his wife's blessings for the affair, not a romantic hero. Apparently, he is against gay marriage but not an open marriage.
Dont be surprised if this hot Latina babe has been into similar tricks before:
INTERESTING POST from the Post and Courier
Posted by AnaLaura on June 26, 2009
"See a picture of the home breaker, she had a habit, she has been sleeping around with a powerful (and mafia) man (alberto Fernandez) from the Argentinean government, I know, I live in the US but I was born in Argentina. Heck, many argentineans, including me, we speak 5 languages, but we do not sleep around and we do not break homes."
"This woman also slept around with the local "Ted Turner" of Buenos Aires, Daniel Haddad hired her as an informal commentator even if she had no formal training. She broke his marriage too, he had 4 or 5 kids, and when their affair came to light she was sent by his news channel to cover AFGHANISTAN, maybe Haddad's wife ask him to do that, to get rid of this whore.
"She is a jaded divorcee and a gold-digger, a climber. Sorry mr Sanford, she "loved" you as much as she loved other "strong" men, not afraid to get close to mafia, in Argentina..."
http://www.postandcourier.com/news/2009/jun/26/mystery_woman_vigorous_a thletic87333/
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Video: Maria Belen Chapur
http://www.charlotteobserver.com/747/story/800761.html
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I agree with the writer 100%.
All I can say is........"YUCK"
I just love how all these "family values" Republicans are finding ways to justify and romanticize adultery. Give me a break!
Ever since we learned that your primary reason for disliking Sarah Palin is that your husband finds her to be "hot", I have read your column with skepticism.
Now, I think I will stop reading your column all together.
Sandford as a star crossed lover?
Ummm, no.
If he felt that his wife wasn't his "one true love", then an honorable person ends the marriage. Difficult, yes, but it allows BOTH parties to get on with their lives.
He apparently wasn't concerned that his wife be able to find the love of HER life ... or he assumed that HE was the lover of her life. Both options speak ill of him and, if a movie were made of the sad events, I would be rooting for the wife and kids. Argentine wouldn't get a moment of my attention.
I'd be rooting for the wife and kids to rid themselves of this poor excuse of a man.
Thank you.
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