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After Michael Jackson’s death, Brooke Shields called the pop star “asexual.” But does asexuality really exist? Jacqueline Jennings investigates the phenomenon of life without libido.
When Ivy was 15, her boyfriend addressed her Valentine, “Dear Ms. No Hormones.” Ivy didn’t want to kiss, make out, or sleep with her boyfriend, and her boyfriend couldn’t understand why. Neither could she. “Around the same time people were noticing they liked boys or liked girls or liked both, I realized I didn’t like either.” Now, at 31, she still doesn’t want to sleep anyone.
“They say sex sells,” says one asexual. “That doesn’t work on me.”
Ivy, svelte and fair-skinned with waist-length blond hair, is a part of the approximately 1 percent of the population that, according to a 2004 study, identifies as asexual. “I think some people just assume that eventually I’ll get through this phase,” Ivy says, “I’ll find the right guy. The problem is, even if I live to be 115, they’ll say, ‘Oh, well, she never found the one.’ “
But Ivy is absolutely positive she’s not interested in sex, and rejects the suggestion she’s merely confused or sick. “When I answer the question honestly,” she says, “I want to be believed.”
The lack of understanding surrounding asexuality has kept members of the community largely invisible. But one very visible person who recently brought the term into the open was Michael Jackson, a sexual enigma until the day he died. Earlier this month, Jackson’s longtime friend, Brooke Shields, referred to Jackson as “asexual” in an interview with Rolling Stone. "As he grew older and the more he started to change physically, the more asexual he became to me,” she said.
Jackson, however, seems to illustrate a state of arrested development more than true asexuality, a character trait that mental-health professionals are currently debating the abnormality of. The term asexual describes a person who does not experience sexual attraction. They’re not necessarily celibate—they may have sex to “pass” or to please a partner—but they’re not personally interested in having sex. Whether this constitutes a “disorder” remains a subject of deliberation.
As for Ivy, she is celibate and thinks she always will be. “Nothing I've done could be construed as sex,” she says, happily. To those who would suggest she can’t dislike it until she’s tried it, Ivy retorts, “I'm as sure that I don't feel the attraction as any heterosexual person can be said to be sure they aren't interested in homosexual relationships. By that logic, they'd all have to try gay sex before they could say they didn't like it.”
For most people, such a mind-set is nearly impossible to comprehend. If the culture that surrounds us is any indication, a desire for sex motivates us more than any other single impetus. Sex inspires great works of art, sells soda and cars, and drives people to upend their entire lives, risking their marriages and careers. It brings out the best and the worst in us.
In that sense, a lack of libido might, at the very least, seem to make life easier. But David Jay, founder of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, says it’s akin to living in a country where you don’t speak the language. “I’ve spent time thinking just wanting sex would be so much easier,” he says. Still, he’s as sure as Ivy that he doesn’t want it. “I never think to myself, maybe asexuality is a lie, maybe I really like sex and this has all been a sham.”
And Ivy insists that even if asexuals are set apart by their lack of libido, it doesn’t preclude their participation in human culture. As a part-time writer, Ivy has produced novels in which romance plays a major role. “I can get caught up in someone else’s expression of love as long as it doesn’t have to do with me,” she laughs. “They say sex sells—that doesn’t work on me.”
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Asexuality, for those without physiological problems, is merely a way for people to remain in the closet about their sexuality. To say you have no interest in sex means you have no reproductive instinct and, therefore, are to be combed out by Evolution so that your defect does not get sent to the next generation. Physically healthy people who claim they are asexual just don't want you to notice their same-sex couplings--or haven't yet admitted it to themselves. Been there, done that...
I am asexual. Though I occasionally wish that it were a cover for same-sex attraction because at least then I would be something that society believes exists and has a category for, I can assure that it is not. It is, as someone quoted in the article states, like living in a country and not speaking the language. In any setting with sexual undertones, I have to consciously figure and and mimic the "normal" response so as to fit in with those around me. If it were a matter of repressed sexuality, wouldn't at least some aspects of sexual identification strike a commond chord in my mind?
And incidentally, though I personally do not want children and do not think I would be well-suited to raising them (apparently I really don't have a reproductive instinct) there are asexuals who wish to become parents.
Well stated. Even as a five year old, I knew I liked women. My gay friends tell me of knowing the same thing very strongly as children as well. While Centrainjbill's assertion could be possible, I don't buy it. I dated an asexual when I was 18 and she told me that she just didn't have any sex drive. I assumed that she 'hadn't had the right experience yet' and tried everything. She was interested in cuddling and romance but I couldn't get anything going in bed with her at all - it was totally unlike anything I had ever experienced. Later at age 30 we dated again, and I kind of expected her to have "worked through" her "sexual block" but nothing had changed.
My mom has a couple of friends who are married and have children who have confided in her that they are Asexual. They basically just fake it, but after they have kids they often put their husbands on a once a month program kind of as a favor or a chore that needs to be done. So I don't think your genetic argument works - and genetics is very complicated - two very competitive and successful gene sequences can in combination be uncompetitive. If it were so simple all genetic diseases and infirmaties would have been weeded out thousands or millions of years ago. Centrainjbill - I suggest you read "The Selfish Gene" by Richard Dawkins to get a greater understanding.
Music Fan - thanks for sharing your personal experiences, I hope society will come to accept your status.
Cymatic
My mom has a couple of friends who are married and have children who have confided in her that they are Asexual. They basically just fake it, but after they have kids they often put their husbands on a once a month program kind of as a favor or a chore that needs to be done."
See what men have to put up with! Once per month! :O And thought waiting till the weekend was Tourcher. This is why America NEEDS legalized prostitution.
Your experiences are your own, and no one else's. Concurrently, someone else's experiences are their own, and not yours. Whatever did or didn't happen with/to you doesn't preclude the existence of something.
Human culture has also moved far beyond the sex-only-for-procreation phase too, FYI. According to your logic, people who use condoms might as well stop having sex all together, right? No kids, no point, after all, isn't that what you're saying?
Sexuality, like all things, is measured on a bell curve. For every million heterosexuals, there might be 5,000 gays (or something like that, I don't know the exact percentage), and relative to those 5,000 are the 10 that are asexual. They exist because they have to exist. You can't measure sexuality (or anything for that matter) against nothing. For every person you've met who's one of those bubbling personalities that's always in a good mood, there's someone who's always depressed. It's the way the universe works, so I think it's a little uneducated to assume that because you don't believe in it that it doesn't exist.
That may be your opinion, your personal truth. However, it isn't everyone's opinion or personal truth.
To point at someone different and say it is somehow "defective" is immature and downright ignorant.
Really harsh. And sloppy evolution theory and pop psychology, I might add.
If that were true centralnjbill, asexuality would have been combed out ages ago. In a sex obesessed society such as ours, I can see why people can be turned off by it. People are raped and killed everyday because of perverts who think they have a right relieve their urges and violate others. You have a lot of nerve to judge just because you were in the closet. Asexual does not mean homosexual. They could have been abused or are simply turned off by sex. Just because you can't imagine a life without sex doesn't mean that others can't either. Try respecting the lifestyles of others before you go demanding that society respect yours.
Your ignorance shows...
1) There is many different ways genes for asexuality (presuming such a genetic factor exists) could be passed down, the genes could offer some other benefit (disease resistance, more attractive looks etc )that outweighs its negative effects on the small number of people whom it kills the libidos of. Having the gene might only make u asexual in a very small number of cases, while providing u with extra benefits (read: evolutionary advantage) in others.
i'm not saying thats the case, just that its entirely possible.
2) If the evolutionary biology confuses you, then we can look at this using pure logical reasoning. By ur reasoning asexual isnt possible, because they would have died out. By the same logic, there would be no homosexuals. The fact that there ARE homosexuals disproves of your argument.
learn to think
This is a response to this article and to all the comments. Watch this video! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOUGpKjEcgo
Pause at :56 to :58 and look at Michael's package. Let me know what you think.
"As he grew older and the more he started to change physically, the more asexual he became to me" says everything about Brooke Shields projections and sexual development and nothing about that of Michael Jackson. That Mr.Jackson repeatedly had children in his bed, despite lawsuits and accusations of child molestation, says something very clear about Jackson's lack of judgement, arrested emotional development and probable sexual preference for children, rather than adults. Perhaps Brooke Shields was picking up on this disturbing vibe and chose to interpret Jackson's childlike manner, increasingly feminine appearance and affinity for children as "asexuality."
If hypersexuality, sexual addiction and fluctuations in people's sexual drive throughout their life occur, why shouldn't asexuality be accepted as a norm for some people? Afterall, what we're really discussing here is the brain and how it functions, not sexual organs and their ability to function.
Too bad more people aren't asexual. The world's population would decrease, sexually transmitted diseases, sexual assaults would decrease and fewer women and children would be forced into sexual slavery.
As a heterosexual male, I find asexuality more comprehensible than homosexuality. If one believes that sexual preference is genetic and that the vastly dominant expression of this gene is heterosexuality, it would make sense that any minority of sexuality is possible and the ones closer to the dominant expression would be more likely to occur than the extreme opposite. I guess this depends on whether there is a single gene or a series of them. A single gene for heterosexuality and the lack of that gene for homosexuality would make asexuality a more complicated area. It's interesting and very complicated stuff. I don't know what I believe anymore. All I know for sure is that "flamboyant" gay males unequivocally annoy the hell out of me. I have no problem with their personal lives and orientations, but I rank that type of social behavior as more repugnant than arrogance or other commonly pejorative personality traits.
Yes, if there were a loving G-d, he would instantly make all humans asexual. Then, within a short time, true nature could rule the earth again! Humans would become history.
I have a lot of regrets in my life (I have wasted much of it) but I do not regret that I did not bring a child into this world.
1- michael jackson was gay according to this article: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1196009/Im-better-dead-Im-How-Micha el-Jackson-predicted-death-months-ago.html Just because brook shields, who hadn't seen him since 1991, claimed that MJ was asexual, doesn't make him so.
2- I'm surprised that such a long article on sex and sexuality doesn't have a single mention of hormonal sampling. maybe all these people have a hormone disorder??
weak article at best.
Speaking of Michael Jackson - there is an interesting theory that his asexuality has a very materialistic explanation - castration by his father before puberty.
http://www.itwaslost.org/2009/06/comments-from-michael-jackson_28.html
Joe Jackson was (and still is) a greedy bastard with no morals whatsoever and Michael often spoke of horrible abuse from his father. I very much hope that the autopsy will address that issue. Liza Minnelli has recently said that after the autopsy all hell would break loose...
well, i'm asexual, and i've been checked for hormonal issues before and my tests came back perfect.
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Excuse me, but is there a MODERATOR IN THE HOUSE?
Can we get this l_o_v_i_n_g_r_i_c_h whore out of here?
Thanks...
Here, here!
The loving rich troll has already visited this site, as something called "doipyi" or some such nonsense. I e-mailed the Beast to complain, and to its credit; "doi" was removed.
They just need us to give 'em a heads up about these head cases.
(and p.s. "diks" in the screen name oughtta be a BIG RED FLAG!!--along with that weird, jarring "punctuation." Right out of a Thai sex slave ring, if you ask me.)
Thank you. This has been going on for many months. I flag it every time, to no avail.
What was Michael thinking? He should have joined this.
We all know Michael Jackson never actually had sex with anyone.
Several years back, cartoonist Keith Knight ('The K Chronicles') stated he was convinced M. Jackson was innocent of all charges of pedophilia. Why? Because M. Jackson was the only real-life person to have an action figure made that was anatomically correct.
The Daily Beast will absolutely the last to leave the Michael Jackson story.
No, CNN had it all over the place tonight, July 19. I turned the tube off altogether.
Michael Jackson and Sarah Palin......
Everything on Earth is influenced by or because of either one of these two........according to the TDB.........
Too much said here. It shouldn't matter whether one is asexual, bi, straight, gay. A lot of people, like me for sure, chose to live a false asexual life because it is easy, simple, uncomplicated and there is no one to cheat! I have my friendships. It seems friends are more apt to remain friends than lovers are to remain lovers. It is so easy just not to get involved romantically. And, I know for a fact, of couples who are married but, there is no sex--they are bonded as friends. Aging makes a difference, too, of course.
Here, Here! Well said... asexuality as a life choice is just as valid, and results in a whole lot less drama in life!!!
Why is it such a big deal to some people that others don't have sex? I think many people are intimidated by those who are blissfully happy alone and comfortable with their own company and personal lifestyle.
Alone does not mean lonely. If you are in touch with your soul and have a healthy sense of humor, life can be lived with a different perspective. It can be full of a deep sense of joy that others who are a slave to their sexual desires may never experience.
Peace Out!
I imagine many of the people who can't believe that people are asexual just can't wrap their brain around the fact that not everyone is like them. Having lived in quite a few places it always amuses me how different people really are based on where they were raised, in what religion (or lack there-of), and the sociopolitical leanings of their parents.
When you throw biological differences into the mix, it adds another layer of disconnect for people that have lived in a more monolithic culture. This seems like a similar reaction to the one my Grandmother's generation had when the word Gay stopped being pejorative and started to be used in the media and popular culture as just another aspect of someone's life.
We do have over-population on this planet - could this be nature's attempt to reign things in?
As a "life choice"? I'm sure there are some people that choose to live this way, but this clearly is not the case with the woman in the article. I remember being 15 - and nothing about it involved a lack of interest in the opposite sex and making out!
lmktacwa
Well said to you too!
Sure Jacko was asexual. Right. That's why he grabbed his crotch and made insinuating gestures. That's why once during the taping of a music video he grabbed it and actually masturbated in front of everyone and the cameras until the director yelled "cut!"
Wow, did you dream that one up yourself?
It will come out in the many bios on him. Stay tuned.
Sounds like an urban legend, like the about Frank Zappa eating shit on stage. He was asked if this true. He said, "I have never in my life knowingly eaten shit; although, I did come very close at the Ramada in buffet in 1973!"
If you have any credible sources for your story please post them.
Personally I am quite suspicious of Michael Jackson as he was quite passionate about sleeping naked with young boys. Even after the first time he was forced to endure public humiliation, reprisals from his family, financial payouts, etc., he still insisted on continuing this practice. I trust that Brooke is telling the truth that he had no sexual response towards her or other women, but that doesn't mean he didn't have a response (either repressed or not) towards young boys. I don't think we will know the real answer, but his behavior was irresponsible in this regard and deserves to be met with suspicion.
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WILL THE BEAST TAKE THESE SPAMMERS OUT PLEASE?
Narcotics decrease sex drive, especially large amounts and especially over a long period of time.
Good points and interesting article. In fact, there is no doubt that religious leaders or the creators probably brought their own opinion (desires) into the organization, style, development and rules of their religion. If you can have pedos, deviants, gays, heteros, etc.. why wouldn't you also have a part of the spectrum that includes not interested ins?
Personally, am quite sick of the media's incessant portraying of women as sex pots and objects. Maybe they could back off?
I have known several people who are asexual. That part of life just doesn't concern them, there are plenty of other distractions.
yep, i've known them too--married one---we did have sex and had kids however, he had no interest ever----as a single man now, he dates an asexual woman whose husband left her for a woman who wanted sex---they exist---don't know the psychopathology of it all but they exist----
Asexual?
Sounds like something to aspire to.
After fifty years as a hetero male - at times its like being chained to a madman.
I was really passionate in my youth, but now, in my 50s, three kids, fulltime job, single mom-not so much. At this point, I find that I would rather read a romantic 19th century novel (like Wuthering Heights) than be romantic myself. I wonder if it's normal for the fires to ebb-I suppose so. I feel sorry for aging men-all those embarassing erectile dysfunction ads on cable. I think that especially as we age, the onus is much more on men to be passionate sexual athletes.
The point from a commenter above about the lack of biochemical information in the article is important I think--meaning is it a psychological/characterological or hormonal difference? Or all--or part of a spectrum? I'd wonder whether an "asexual" person wouldn't experience orgasm (although article says some like masturbation) or just didn't like the sensation of orgasm?
Whatever, the world has plenty of room for variation and such a harmless variation shouldn't be judged--and I think I'd choose asexual over satyriasis/nymphomania any day. That's a kind of enslavement.
You're absolutely right.
As a 56 year-old man, I would love to have lived my life as an asexual. I envy those people more than any movie star or billionaire. They are not burdened with trying to please others just for the sex, trying to be something you are not in order to get laid. They are the truly lucky.
I'd love to have sex, I just don't have the money. But I tell you what, since I've been out of money, I have not had one problem concerning women! So here's to you a-sexuals what ever ..'er floats your boat!
Great article, Jackie.
Asexuality is out there - be it real or not. Individuals are identifying them selves as this, and we should hold judgement. This article does a great job of explaining a phenomenon - introducing it to readers in a manner which is clear and understanding. Connecting it to Michael Jackson's funeral simply made it topical.
Well done.
There is much we still don't understand about sex, including
asexuality (or the absence of libido) to be distinguished from a person who is celibate but masturbates normally and who is then NOT asexual. A person who has ben been abused brutally in childhood (as Michael Jackson most definitely was by his father, has many reasons to be afraid of sex. We do not know what his masturbatory life was/was not like, so putting labels on him is unfair and in fact ignorant. If anything one asks for understanding, empathy and compassion. Many military or disciplinarian fathers try to beat their effeminate kids out of oblivion and screw them up for ever. I think what Jackson;s father did to him was criminal. Ever see the exquisite French masterpiece "La Vie En Rose"?
The very fact that homosexuals have always existed has to be considered in Darwinian terms, despite the fact that they mostly do not produce progeny.
In fact a gay gene has already been isolated in the laboratory in Drosphila (the fruitfly) which existed even before civilisation began. That's why the idea that homosexuality is "against nature" is incorrect and ignorant, and is just most likely
one of the consequences of strategies for making females more fecund: The female relatives of male homosexuals are more fecund than those of male heterosexuals. Also the more sons a woman has, the more likely it is that the youngest son will be homosexual (I always think of the youngest brother in the movie "Seven Brides For Seven Brothers")
Here's a fascinating article on the subject:
http://www.livescience.com/health/080617-hereditary-homosexuality.html
One of the reasons why a gay gene/s have not been isolated in American science labs yet can be attributed directly to political and religious pressure not do so, and the feat will clearly be done in a place like Copenhagen University, which is free from such restrictions. I discovered this when I wanted to bequeath money here in America just for that purpose, and I was told Copenhagen Genetic lab would be a better choice. Copenhagen by the way was the chemistry lab which isolated thermate in the World Trade Center dust, which is a product of explosives. The American MSM chose to ignore that piece of shattering information.Another reason why we should get our information from newspapers OUT of the US, where all is propaganda and misinformation. I read about ten foreign newspapers every day on line. Daily Telegraph in the UK is a good one to start with.
Masturbating only has certain enormous advantages: It's cheaper, you don' have to please anyone, don't have to fake anything. don't have to indulge in frivolous small talk, you don't have to clean your place,You don't have to shave shower or dress.You don't have to waste your liquor or buy canopes. If you wish you may bring your cats a double bouquet of roses which they'll sniff at and walk away.You can watch all the
perverted porn you like.and take the entire day to slowly build up at your own pace without anyone criticising you. No one's rejecting you, Your self esteem is always fine.your'e not forced into anything unless you and no one else is in the mood. No one has a headache. No one reads the horse races while you are busy getting laid.
You don't have to say any phony "That's was great baby",
on your way to the bathroom to vomit,
Your cats still love you.. (Of course what they're thinking is another stoiry, but we;ll deal with that in another post).
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I was in a relationship once where I never felt such a complete emotional and physical bond. It turned out to be a total sham, he wasn't anyone I thought I knew.
These type of traumatic events can turn people off for a long time. At this time in my life, it's so much easier to turn it off, but I would hardly think of myself as dysfunctional. Oh, baby, those dreams I have with people and relationships I make up out of the blue, lol.
I appreciate my life right now just the way it is. I also don't like reflecting back on the rollercoaster ride of emotions, things like that with some relationships I have had. I'm sure some people have wonderful relationships, emotionally and physically -- or one of the two. More power to them.
I haven't seen anyone mention (sorry if I missed it) the effect of mood altering drugs such as prozac, zoloft, etc. on libidos.
People taking those may be happier but the drugs literally sap any sexual urges. If one considers how many people take those drugs today, then it makes sense that there would be more asexual people.
Thank you.
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