Univ. of Martha

Fortunately my relationship is generally the latter; after nearly two years of living together, Sam and I have developed an equitable arrangement (if I cook, he does the dishes, and vice versa, is pretty much what it comes down to; if his socks don't make it into the laundry basket when it's my turn to do laundry, they don't get washed). That being said, there is the nagging feeling that ultimately, it is I who cares more about our apartment being habitable. If it were truly up to him, would the sheets ever get washed, or does he wash them because I have to ask? I had a feeling that Martha probably wouldn't help me in that arena.

While I’m in no danger of suddenly becoming obsessively neat, Martha’s videos did impose a certain degree of order on our lives.

Still, I was determined to check out what she could help me with. Her offerings are divided into three categories: Weddings ($39.95); Recipes, Decorating, and Crafts ($34.95); and Martha Stewart Classics ($19.95). The videos in each series are also available for individual download. I decided I didn't need all of the videos in any category, so I chose Organizing (seven parts, $9.95) and Decorating Basics (six parts, $9.95) from the Recipes, Decorating and Crafts category, and Secrets of Entertaining: A Formal Dinner Party (four parts; $7.95) from the Classics category.

As I settled in to watch the Organizing series (Closets, Basement Shelves, Bathroom, Dresser Drawers, Linen Closets, Organizing Board, and Organizing Kids Art), I took a glance around the apartment. Sam and I share one tiny closet and another area with a few hooks and shelves, where Sam hangs some of his shirts and I store my shoes, many of which I realized guiltily I hadn't worn in years, and some of my handbags. There's another horrible area we call the hearth (our bedroom used to be the kitchen of the old brownstone we live in, and there's a large hole in the wall that we think used to be a fireplace, which we fill with junk). I have another shoe rack that hangs over the door to our bedroom that makes it difficult to close, and always seems in danger of falling. Sam and I each have a dresser; mine is usually overflowing with wrinkled T-shirts and cardigans, and I long ago deemed my underwear and sock drawers beyond hope.

Could Martha save me?

It quickly became clear that in order to get organized The Martha Way, I was going to have to acquire a few key items. There are certain things that Martha loves—namely, her Brother P-Touch labelmaker, clear containers, and acid-free tissue paper. Since I was doing this Brooklyn-style, and in one afternoon, I decided I would limit myself to what I could procure at the Target in downtown Brooklyn—always a risky proposition, because they tend to be out of the most important things I need whenever I go. But after watching the videos, and armed with a list, I headed over. (By this point, I'd decided that taking on more than the Organizing series was going to require a much more extensive commitment and would probably also require Sam's involvement, which seemed dubious; the formal dinner party, for example, would have involved purchasing a dinner service for 12, plus food like caviar.) At Target, I limited myself to purchasing only items that I could use in service of becoming Martha. The only thing on my must-buy list that they didn't have was the acid-free tissue paper, which Martha had said was essential for folding into my delicates and my sweaters. I briefly debated using regular tissue paper but decided against it.

I came home with:

—a labelmaker, the DYMO LetraTag, and an extra roll of label tape. I really wanted the Brother model Martha uses, but Target didn't have it.
—double-A batteries for the labelmaker
—three clear plastic shoebox sets of five boxes each
—three 28-quart clear plastic containers
—two rolls of contact paper (one decorated, one not)
—four tie and belt hangers
—two drawer organizers
—a cedar accessories closet set (Martha also loves cedar)
—two suit/dress protectors (basically garment bags)
—five shoulder covers for suits, dresses, etc.
—sponges in three different colors (Martha says to have different sponges for your toilet and sink... makes sense, though when she said it I felt sort of gross for not doing it already)
—Krazy Glue
—two medium and one small clear plastic craft organizers

With all of my materials in hand, I watched the videos again. Some of her instructions clearly were not directed at me—in the section on basement organizing, she points to the shelf where one is to keep "your Christmas ornaments, your oversized picnic baskets." She also has a shelf in her basement devoted solely to vases and other flower-related vessels, and one for dormant bulbs for the garden. In her segment on dresser drawers, we learn that Martha has an entire section of her drawer organizer devoted to identically folded white socks. In the linen closet section, in addition to learning about Martha's childhood idol, she teaches her audience how to maintain a collection of antique linens and lace curtains, and concludes with the wince-worthy claim that "organizing your linens like this is just one of the many tasks you have as a homemaker."