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10 Ways to Have a Baby
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From embryo adoption to sperm washing, making a baby is easier—and more complicated—than ever. Doree Shafrir on parenthood's new frontier.
Today's birth announcements come in all shapes and sizes. "Steve and Michael are Preggers!" "Sally, Maria, and Sebastian are Having Twins!" "It's an Adopted Frozen Embryo!"
We live in an age when the obsession with having a child has reached a fever pitch. Single men and women, and couples gay and straight, have more options than ever before—and they're taking advantage of every single one of them. The $4 billion fertility industry has couples going to untold lengths to conceive, and has pushed pregnancy toward the realm of science fiction. People are adopting embryos that would have otherwise been used for stem-cell research, and HIV-infected sperm is being washed clean so it can fertilize an egg. (Whose egg? Maybe the 50-something single lesbian's.) There are sperm banks offering discounts to soldiers who want to store their sperm for their wives to impregnate themselves with in case they die overseas. And more and more often, close family members are acting as surrogates.
With the art of baby-making going from surrealist to abstract, The Daily Beast talked to couples (and singles) whose paths to parenthood were circuitous, but perhaps all the more touching for the length of the journey.
The Sister-in-Law Surrogate
Mindy Denney, a former TV news anchor, had a partial hysterectomy at 19 because of hemophilia in her family; she still had eggs, but no uterus. When she started thinking about having children, she turned to her sister-in-law, Gina, whom she'd known since junior high school. Over a bottle of wine, Mindy and her husband discussed it with Mindy's brother and Gina, and Gina agreed. "For three months she had to take huge progesterone shots in her back every day," Mindy said of Gina's ordeal. "We had to get our cycles together." Mindy's cycle had to be lined up with Gina's so that Gina's uterus would be ready to receive the eggs at the exact moment they were ready.
Diagnosing an Embryo
Mindy also knew she was a carrier for hemophilia—the reason she'd had the partial hysterectomy—and so her embryos underwent PGD, or preimplantation genetic diagnosis. "We had 13 embryos, with eight cells to each embryo. They'd pull one cell off at a time and send it to a clinic, and the clinic would test that one cell and send us back the paperwork and say this one has PGD, this one doesn't, etc. We only had 13 embryos in consideration." Of course this raises the issue of genetic selection, as Mindy herself points out: "People say, oh, you decided not to have the hemophilia child." She declined to say what happened to the rest of the embryos.
The first two clinics Mindy tried refused to work with her because of the genetic disease issues. The third, the Huntington Reproductive Clinic in Southern California, agreed. "The doctor said, I've never done anything like this before. Let's do it," said Mindy.
Adopting Her Own Son
After the embryo was successfully implanted in her sister-in-law—who was living in Austin, Texas—Mindy discovered, months later, that there was another potential wrinkle: She had to get a court order saying that she and her husband, not her sister-in-law and her brother, were the parents. "Otherwise, we would have had to adopt our own son," she said. Today, Mindy's son Alec is a healthy 3 year old. But she and her husband know if they want to have more biological children they'll have to find a new surrogate: While she was pregnant with Alec, Gina developed the anti-E antibody, a condition that can result when a mother's blood type is incompatible with her child's. As a result, Gina is unable to carry any more children as a surrogate, though she can still have more of her own biological children.
Sperm Washing
Today, even a man who’s HIV-positive can conceive with relative safety—he just needs to get his sperm washed first. Dr. Ann Kiessling, a researcher at Harvard Medical School and the founder of the Bedford Stem Cell Research Foundation, pioneered the use of so-called sperm washing in the United States. Sperm washing can be used when a man with HIV wants his own biological child but wants to be sure he doesn’t pass along the virus.
The process foregoes soap and water, and skips right to the spin cycle. Sperm is spun in a centrifuge and the healthy, presumably non-HIV-infected sperm are the ones that are left in the center. The healthy sperm are then fertilized using IVF or through the "cup" insemination method. According to Kiessling, 101 babies in the U.S. have been born using this method since 1998. "We were going to have a big party when we got to 100, but we realized that most people who have gone through this don't want people to know who they are," she said. "There are quite a number of pregnancies ongoing now."
The Right Dumps Carrie
Jacob Bernstein is a senior reporter at The Daily Beast. Previously, he was a features writer at WWD and W Magazine. He has also written for New York magazine, Paper, and The Huffington Post.
What's Joe's Problem?
Lloyd Grove is editor at large for The Daily Beast. He is also a frequent contributor to New York magazine and was a contributing editor for Condé Nast Portfolio. He wrote a gossip column for the New York Daily News from 2003 to 2006. Prior to that, he wrote the Reliable Source column for the Washington Post, where he spent 23 years covering politics, the media, and other subjects.
Geithner's Stock Plummeting
Jeff Madrick is a contributor to the New York Review of Books and a former economics columnist for the New York Times. He is editor of Challenge Magazine, visiting professor of humanities at Cooper Union, and senior fellow at the New School's Schwartz Center for Economic Policy Analysis. He is the author of Taking America, The End of Affluence (Random House) and The Case for Big Government.
Outsourcing Pregnancy
Doree Shafrir has contributed to The New York Observer, The New Yorker, Slate, and The Awl, and is the co-author of Love, Mom. She is a former editor at Gawker. Her website is www.doreeshafrir.com.
An Appetite for Success
Doree Shafrir has contributed to The New York Observer, The New Yorker, Slate, and The Awl, and is the co-author of Love, Mom. She is a former editor at Gawker. Her website is www.doreeshafrir.com.
Univ. of Martha
Doree Shafrir has contributed to The New York Observer, The New Yorker, Slate, and The Awl, and is the co-author of Love, Mom. She is a former editor at Gawker. Her website is www.doreeshafrir.com.
Great job making infertile couples and anything other than a traditional heterosexual married couple family feel yet again like they are not normal. Labeling how their families came to be as "weird" is demeaning. It's not weird to want to parent a child and though some of us get there via a different path than the "normal" one (I am the mother of a child conceived using donor eggs), it doesn't mean our choices should be judged as bizarre. I'm guessing you've never been there otherwise perhaps you'd have a bit more sensitivity towards your subjects.
I'd have to say having another woman's eggs implanted into your womb is about as bizarre as it gets.
Selfish people who will do absolutely anything to achieve the vanity baby are weird and bizarre. Sorry if the word upsets you, but there it is. Better babies through science is disgusting.
we need better babies, too many incompetents are having babies while the smarter people are too busy running their lives to conceive
You need a license to have a dog or a cat .... but not a child? Think about it - if people like good 'ole jeffreyinla here can spit out kids, no wonder science needs to improve upon them -
here, here I recently gave birth to twins. One healthy the other was diagnosed with downs in utero. The doctor suggested more than once that
I "selective terminate" my daughter. Needless to say Aubry is alive and well and the extent of her downs is not a concern to me or my family. A little known fact... 70 % of children diagnosed with a genectic abnormality are terminated in utero.
Don't be ignorant, It is quite reasonable to want to pick and choose which egg is going to fertilized. Are you trying to say that it wold be better if they had a baby with hemophilia? Why would you wish such a thing on a child? What is wrong with you?
I made a mistake having a child. It wasn't for vanity reasons. But I did wonder whether I might have missed out if we hadn't had a child. It now feels like the experience has degraded my marriage and my life. Call me selfish. I'm just voicing my perspective as a parent.
You are selfish, a child is NEVER A MISTAKE. If having this child in your marriage is now an inconvenience. Please, let your spouse know and together find this poor child a home with loving parents who will not blame their incompetence as married partners on their offspring. I am greatly concerned for the safety and over all well being of this child. There have been many parents in the past years whom have found it easier to dispose of their children as if they where just a blob of nothing, For the very same reasons you just mentioned.
Most legitimate studies show a substantial decrease in marriage satisfaction, and an overall decrease in quality of life for parents when they have kids. Most parents will tell you that it's the hardest/best thing they've ever done but that the sleepless nights are absolute hell and forget about a sex life for awhile...then they try to convince YOU to have one so they have people to do things with again.
I've tinkered with the idea a few times, then I realize that 99% of the care and sacrifice would land on me as the wife -- despite hubbies assertions to the contrary...yeah right dear, suddenly you'd start seeing all the mess around the house without being told about it *lol*
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consider getting some help for this---to feel this way about your child is not a good thing.
Getting pregnant may have been "on accident," but how could you EVER say your child was a mistake? Having my daughter was unexpected, I'm not with her Father, I've since married someone else, but, NO MATTER WHAT, I can NEVER regret having my beautiful, wonderful, sometimes annoying daughter. How can you EVER choose ANYONE, your husband or anyone else, over your child? My daughter will ALWAYS come first over EVERYONE, INCLUDING my husband & that's how it should be...to call you selfish is JUST the Tip of the iceberg...more like disgusting & have NO feelings...children are the biggest gift you can give to humanity, will contribute to the future. If your husband doesn't care for his child, maybe it's time for you & your child to move on from him, it's the best thing you can do for your child. Put them first ALWAYS!!!!!
The fact that you dont want the child you already have speaks of either the need to talk to a counciller to deal with longterm postpartum depression. This can be treated I went through similar problems after I had my first child but with medication and councilling worked through it. Or you should think about giving the child up for adoption every child deserves love and it doesnt sound like you love your child. Anyways I hope it works out for you because being a mother is one of the most rewarding experiences you can have.
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Are you kidding me?! Speaking as an infertile women it's people like you that make me sick. Why would you have a child that you didn't want? It's poor children like yours that are "stuck" with parents like you who don't want a child and end up abused and most of the time dead. How could you even refer to yourself as a parent? You are a sad excuse for a parent. Give that child up and give it the chance it deserves. You make me sick.
Despite the hateful lashing out that you are receiving from some of these people, it is important that you acknowledge your feelings. Sometimes having a child IS a mistake. That being said, the child is here, and he/she isn't going anywhere. As you are well aware, you have a responsibility to do your best for him/her. You have to examine your life and reset your goals. Some of the things you want are still possible, others are not or will have to be delayed. I would like to add, it does get easier when they are older.
Also, if you have not already done so, consider getting a vasectomy. If having one child is a mistake, having more would just throw gasoline on the fire.
Your not a parent your just another person with a kid. You can't be selfish when your a real parent. The problem isn't the child it's you. Talk to your doctor and fix yourself before you damage your child.
Hugs to KateTheGreat for actually reading and reading into my original post. And to the rest of you who have responded to my honest feelings so far: Fuck off. That's right. Your cries of accusation and indignation amuse me, so don't fling your baggage my way. I didn't share my perspective to get flamed by self-righteous, smug, squealers like you. Parenthood is riddled with emotions. And people of different temperaments, medical conditions, personal histories, and cultures will interpret the complicated role of parenthood differently. I wrote the original post with full understanding that I am not voicing an 'honorable' viewpoint. It's not something I'm proud of. But I am being honest and I am working through these issues. I am absolutely committed to parenthood and I deeply love my wife and my child. That I believe I made a mistake in having a child is my belief, based on many hours of introspection, turmoil, disappointment, and sadness. You are free to use your personal criteria for 'mistake', but given what I have discovered are my natural capacities for parenting I have come to my own personal conclusions about what 'mistake' means for me. And I still believe that I made a mistake having a child. But don't attack me as if you would a perpetrator in a crime. There are no crimes here. Just the honest grind of a bewildered parent trying to make the best of decisions made in the absence of full information.
KellyJo: Not sure they get "easier when they are older." All the peer pressure, academic, and financial concerns only become more intense as 'they' get older. I know. I put my own parents through it all. I do appreciate your support and suggestions, though.
You really needed to use the word "weird"- can you get any more judgmental? Perhaps, the word non-traditional would have been a more appropriate choice.
Why not adopt a child? There are plenty out there who need parents. Remember, folks, it's no longer fruitful to multiply!
Honestly, it costs at least 15K to adopt a child (not including the wait for a newborn) while it can be as cheap as a couple hundred to purchase sperm and inseminate yourself. Then, some insurance pays a large portion of some expenses. . . Sad to say, but fertility treatments are cheaper and you can look at a menu and pick what you want while adoption the costs, legal battles and time can make it prohibitive.
the inseminate yourself method isn't very effective so add in your doctor fees and shipping costs into the cost of sperm....some insurance companies wont cover since it is elective....given that it takes an average of 6 months for it to work....I dont know that it is much cheaper....less headaches than adopting for sure.
If you cant afford to adopt then you shouldnt be having a child anyways! Children are not cheap and the reason it is expensive is to make sure the family can take care of the children and that the family is resposible! It may be cheap to get inseminated but guess what you still have all the bills of the medical exams of being pregnant and also the medical bills of the labor and if you have a c-section you are looking at paying for your hospital room for at least 3 to four days. i am a mother of two and honestly it all can come out about even to the cost of the adoption and labor can actually end up costing you over 40,000 if you dont have good insurance. So that really is no excuse. Bottom line is people are selfish. Just like they can adopt a dog from the pound that would love them forever but that isnt good enough they have to have a purbread while the other dogs suffer! Same thing happens to children! they get sent to group home and orphanages, and go from foster parent to foster parent because people are selfish!
Then why don't we subtract. If you think the world can't take another baby, why don't you volunteer? Go ahead, sacrifice your own special little self.
Well aren't we cranky today.
First off: There is such a thing as carrying capacity. Granted it is difficult to determine that point since hummanity has innovative capabilities as to dealing with it. That being said, it is not wise to continue multiplying however we please assuming that we will come up with the solution to the next inhibiting factor on population growth.
All that aside: ardeth's point CLEARLY had nothing to do with that. His view was not from an ecological or economic standpoint. Simply stated, there are children out there who could really use a loving home. It was a stance of compassion for a group of those often overlooked.
i volunteer you go! good riddance.
Yes, it was about economics and ecology, "carrying capacity" as you put it. And don't pretend it wasn't. Otherwise, explain "Remember, folks, it's no longer fruitful to multiply!"
And yes, there are children who need a home. But they don't always fit the perfectionist criteria of the selfish slobs who think anything money can buy will buy them love.
pricklypear - Nicely done.
I'd love to. Will you give me $30, 000 to pay for my homestudy and all the adoption fees? Or, if I adopt an older child you could give me the $30,000 to pay for the medical and/or psychological difficulties that older children experience from early childhood trauma.
Adoption is great, but there are really good reasons for people to find their own way to bring a child into their family.
Just to let you know, when you adopt a child from Foster Care, their medical, dental and psychological care are paid for until they are adults. There is also a host of services provided for the child and their family, an adoption tax credit of about $11,000 and if you work through your city's department of child and family services, the cost is virtually nil. Just trying to alleviate some of the stigma that surrounds adopting a child from foster care.
That is nothinng compared to the price of raising a child. What happens if your child ends up vandalizing something and you have to pay for it? Or gets injured playing sports? I was injured just doing track in high school and my parents ended up having to pay over 50,000 in medical bills because of surgery and the hospital stay and the physical therepy to be able to run again. So honestly if you cant put out the money then be responsible and dont have a child. For all you know something could happen to your child and it could be just as expensive, the bottom line would be that you would rather spend that money on "your child" than an adopted child and that makes me sick! My mother was adopted and that family means the world to us and we mean the world to that family. Bottom line you are selfish! Think about this you buy a house how much did that cost you and you bought a car and the flat screen tv and that is all just stuff but you can afford to adopt a child!
excellent point!
It's so twisted that this country complains about the lack of love given to a child, yet they charge a couple over $30,000 to take one into their home and give it the love it needs.
In india inexpensive adoption of a child, and unaffordable IVF may not be secret unless donor sperm.
But a woman's uterus hungers for an embryo, self or surrogate !
What about heterosexual couples who adopt because they think the amount of money and time required to get pregnant is ridiculous? Or the couples who end up raising a family members child?
There are a million ways to make a family. I think classifying them as weird or strange is doing a giant disservice to families like mine that are created via non traditional methods.
Don't equate adoption with artificial methods. No one is calling adoption weird. Jesus Christ was adopted by Mary's husband, Joseph. Joseph is the patron saint of fathers.
Ain't that the truth!!!
Why couldn't The Daily Beast have someone who has actually gone THROUGH one of these procedures or down one of these avenues of having children write this piece? Not just another writer taking a jaunt through the apparent sideshow of Assisted Reproductive Technology and adoption. Why couldn't Dan Savage have written this?
Doree, when you note pregnancy being pushed toward the realm of science fiction, you have not idea how flippant and arrogant you appear. I'm sorry, but as someone struggling with infertility I can't help but point this out. To us this is not fiction, it is reality.
To those so quick to cry "Just Adopt!": You should understand that adoption is sometimes more difficult and expensive to go through than most ART procedures. So when you are so quick to tell couples struggling with having children to "just adopt", keep it to yourself. Adoption often costs more, takes years longer and turns your life upside down. It is a very personal decision and not some cure-all balm to be recommended lightly.
For those who cannot have children the "traditional" way, these procedures and avenues are a great help to those longing to raise a family. What is so science fiction about that?
I am not against fertility medicine. Fertility treatment is a good thing for couples wanting to conceive a child. What I object to is the production of human life that is discarded and destroyed during IVF; aborting multiple embryos; and multiple births that endanger the health of the babies; and selective abortions.
I agree that adoption isn't the answer for everyone, but a more viable option than many understand. While anyone can monetarily afford it, not just anyone or any couple can be good adoptive parents.
Maybe people should try being foster parents, that sometimes satisfies their urge to have their own baby, also there are often times when you get the opportunity to adopt a foster child.
Before intentionally breeding, please check out this web site:
http://www.vhemt.org/
There are no reasons for intentionally procreating that are not selfish reasons. None. Adoption is a different matter, and if it takes letting gays, transvestites, communists, and circus freaks to have enough homes for the kids that need them, I'm all for it. Breeding, though, is about the most selfish act a human being can perform. There are very, very few environmental issues that cannot be attributed to overpopulation.
So why don't you eliminate your own special little self. Go ahead, you be the unselfish one.
You hit the nail on the head with the BIG unsaid... there is absolute no reason to reproduce beyond the selfish notion of continuing the family seed. And the world only suffers from increasing the number of people on it, no matter how fabulous or special one's spawn could be.
You must have the brain and heart of an insect.
Okay have anoy of ever thought that some people have very bad genetic problems that could eventually lead to death or worse of a child.... Over population is not the worry it is more like you need to worry about those people who do have children that have rare dieases and the family can not affor to get the child correct and proper medical care.... Having children is very unselfish and needs to be viewed as being selfless due to the fact that you never know if that child will grow up to find the cure to cancer or AIDS or even HIV.... Everyone looks at it as being a bad thing to select your child I would have if I could have so that I would have known if my children would have a rare form of cancer that runs in my family but I can not prevent that now... It is al on how you veiw the situation.... You can also look at it as that people are having it done so that they can have the perfect family and have a certian amount of each sex instead of the surprise of going for the ultrasound at 20 weeks and finding out that way... People need to open there eyes and relize that with the problems that the world is having today gene selection is probably the best route to go to gaurntee that the worlds children start out healthy and have no need to worry about how to take care of and afford a child with medical problems...Adoption on the other hand will provide homes for children whose parents were smart enough to relize that they could not care for the child or even that they had a child and they relized that they could not give it the life it deserves.... There are children in the US today that are living on the street and starving to death and some who are living on the street that dont even know their parents.... The world is a cruel plac i just think that people need to really sit down and look at their lives and see if they can actually afford to care for another human being.... Instead of being reckless and deciding to have a child without wondering in ten to fifteen years are wwe going to still be together or are wegoing to be able to take care of the human that we have created.... Children are mircles and they are wonder ful gifts people need to remember that....
There's something people forget... why God didn't retract his order to "Be fruitful and many." The fact is that although it seems we are overpopulating, there are environmental issues that will balance that out... Earthquakes, tornadoes, and don't forget incurable deseases. Now having said that, yes adoption is a wonderful thing, but not everyone can do it. I was adopted, but my adopted parents didn't treat me as well as their own children. They didn't even noticed the difference in treatment, but their son did, and pointed it out once. Now I do not believe that for most people having a child is completely selfish. We are programed to want children... but I've noticed that many people who have trouble concieving are better parents than those who can have a child no problems. If you are saying go adopt, but never adopted, then shame on you. If you are saying that it's weird to want a baby in these ways, and never went through these treatments, then shame on you too. Shame to those who are selfishly wanting to conceive as well. The whole point of having children is to give away love, honor, and traditions. It doesn't matter how that child is conceived, whether by adoption, natural, or more unconventional methods... all that matters is that said child is received with love, open hearts, and good intentions. Now you all should stop judging each other, and be glad that there are miracles, big and small. God bless you! :]
BRAVO!!!!! Well said, Amira!
Roadhunter... Wow. I can't believe... well, yes, I can believe there are people out there who *believe* that causing the human race to become extinct is the morally correct thing to do. Now, that is a belief. Just like I believe that I should do as my God commanded me and multiply. I have three children and I am very very happy with them. I think I could go through life happy with the three that I have. But, I also believe very deeply that before this life on Earth, I made a promise to certain spirit children of God that I would provide them with a body here. So, I will stop preventing pregnancy and allow it to happen, and maybe I'll end up pregnant and maybe I won't. I don't think that becoming pregnant is always a selfish choice. Those of you who do, I guess it would be for you, so maybe you shouldn't do it, or limit the number of times you do. But can't we look at everything in this life and turn it to a prospective that it is done out of selfishness?
I may think it is selfish of you to deny me and my family happiness by telling me for instance, that I shouldn't or even can't have any more children, or how I can or can't conceive.
I think when the article says these methods of pregnancy are pushing science fiction, the author did not intend it to be rude or hurtful, just amazing - Things that just a few years ago we wouldn't have dreamed of being possible except in a science fiction novel. And now it is reality... and I think it is great! Except of course, the idea of aborting lives because they are not "perfect"
So roadhunter, it is selfish of you to say that trees etc are more deserving of what Earth has to offer than God's children (which you are one). It doesn't matter, Christ will return to the Earth and return it to its original state and there will be room for us all to live here. (By the way, I wish I could remember where I read it, but I once read that if everyone living today were to live in Texas, we could all have an acre of land. I've not done the research or math to check that, just read it somewhere.) Have a great day.
The $4 billion fertility industry is shameful. Some people are not meant to reproduce. Sorry, but that's biology.
I agree. In fact, it's shameful that cancer is such a big industry as well. Chemo has a miserable success rate and it is biology....right?
Hey jeffreyin, i guess if you get cancer you shouldn't receive any medical treatment because you were just meant to die?
Oh. The "natural selection" biology factor. So THAT'S why we have MS, Cancer, AIDS.....
Damn Big Pharma for finding a cure to Polio!
YOUR parents should not have reproduced ......
I so dont agree, So sayin this because I am a 27 yr old female that has had medical issues that means I should just accept that I cant have a chil without fertility drugs and crack it up as biology???? NO sorry I dont think so! That is why we have things like fertility drugs to help ppl that should have that right as a loving couple to raise a family
ok, understood for other people who can't have babies...how about adopting a child from another country? like from africa, asian countries etc. there are hungry babies out there...please adopt over there on those countries. you will help the world from poverty. bless u. when you do adopt one, please, please take care of him/her like your own (not a slave one when she or he grows up. ok?! thank u
Do you have the money to help me adopt one? If i could afford it, i'd be right on it. But unfortunatley i dont have $50k in my bank account.
Look there are a lot of reasons people need fertility treatments and guess what? Some of them have nothing to do with fertility, but rather HEALTH issues. If you and your partner are both carriers for a specific genetic disease wouldn't it be the more responsible thing to go through IVF so CGH or PGD could be preformed, preventing a life threatening disease?
Or what if you get cancer and have to go through chemo. Does that mean you should give up your ability to have children? Why not freeze your eggs prior to treatment?
Seriously people, grab a clue. And before you say another word without walking a mile in their shoes -- STOP. Or continue on, but don't be hypocritical. Take your own assvice. Quite reproducing and stop adopting!
The characterization of people who require help to conceive as selfish, undeserving, lazy, careerist, and profligate is deeply unfair and undeserving. Have a conversation with someone who is experiencing fertility problems or who needs help to have a baby and you will find that there are hundreds of reasons that go beyond just "biology".
Some of us require help because we are in same-sex relationships; some of us require help because we waited until we were in emotionally stable and financially secure relationships; some of us underwent medical procedures that damaged our ability to conceive; some of us have experienced physical trauma; some of us can conceive but not carry to term; and some of us have no idea why we cannot conceive.
Couples struggling with fertility issues should not be used as scapegoats to ease our collective responsibility and consciences regarding over-population and the unequal distribution of global resources.
Please see my comment to MiaWallace.
Yes, collecting sperm is unnatural. We've even thought about it ourselves. Our compation for the unloved and unwanted children in America opened our eyes wide. There are over 500,000 children in our country in 'The system' looking for a family just like yours. I do not believe in buying children. We have adopted 6 children who were in foster care and never paid a cent. These children were not born under my heart but in it. We never think of them as anything but our own.
As someone who is experiecing fertility problems and who herself is adopted I can tell you that not only is adoption not for everyone - it is not an option for everyone. Age, financial status, financial ability, sexual orientation, marital status etc., can all limit who can adopt. Further adoption brings with it a host of emotional, social, identity, familial issues for everyone involved in the adoption triad (birth parent, child, adoptive parents) must be prepared to spend a lifetime dealing with.
Adoption is not a panecea for infertility - it should be entered into by people are willing and able to deal issues it presents.
Nothing irritates me more that to hear someone tell me to "just adopt." like it is as simple as going to the SPCA to get a kitten. Like anyone experiencing fertility issues the decsion to or not to adopt is extremely complex.
If there where only moe like you................god bless you
Thank you mcmarvy! Perfectly stated!
Here's a simple way to improve your chances of conception that doctor's won't tell you about..........use plain old robitussin daily until conception has occurred. The active ingredient in robitussin causes all mucous membranes to thin making fertilization easier. Of course this will not be effective if there are other complications present. For a normal woman who is having difficulty this is very effective.
Dear Jade 99,
Thank you very much. How did you learn about this? Where or how do you recommend to increase woman's chance in conceiving for a woman at 41? I do not have a potential man to conceive with naturally? Is it realistic for me to get pregnant by the time I find the right man? Also I would like to store my egg at this age but need information on where? Is it expensive to do that?
Do any of you people being so negative actually have children? For one, we are all adults so to freak out because of "improper wording" is a little childish.
Also, I have a child, and so I know that at a young age, children need love and affection and attention. They need open arms and somebody they can be theirselves around. Do you not think about the thousands of children out there that do need a home, that would give anything to have a place to call home, a warm bed at night, a dinner table to sit at with a real family. Some children do have issues because of what has happened, but at a young age, there is still time for change, and the biggest part of change is loveing and respecting them.
People want to make rude comments and act like these children are damaged goods that don't deserve the chance, but remember, it is not the child that asks to be brought into this world, it is the irresponsible person that has the child who should be criticized. It is not their fault they don't have families that love them. Every time my son is sick, every time he falls and hurts himself, or even when he just wants to cuddle and be loved, I think about how great it feels to be the person to make him smile, and then there are times I feel so bad for the little girl or boy that just has to suck it up and be an adult about it, even though they are little, because there is nobody there to tell them everything will be ok. I know it is not our fault, but isn't it a little messed up to "make" somebody else's baby when there are so many children out there that need a parent, a friend?
If people would start taking the children in from our country and taking the time to show them love, maybe the world wouldn't be so messed up. Most adult issues stem from not so kind childhoods.
kittys-spot: I very much liked your post. Thank you.
This comment has been removed by The Daily Beast's editors.
I'm not having children partially because I do believe that we need to curb population growth (as well as much more personal reasons), but I have also supported people who were going through all sorts of fertility treatments. If everyone had at most one or two children, we would achieve zero growth without restricting anyone who wants children, the problem is hardly the folks who want a reasonable number of children but go to great lengths to get them, the problem is people who think it's okay to procreate like bunnies even thought most children make it out of childhood in this country and even more so in other first world countries. That is a whole other issue, though.
Wanting your own biological baby is a drive most people feel, it's how we came to be the dominant species of this planet (non-insect, at least). A few of us don't have that drive but the people I know who do don't feel that way out of vanity, it's a primal urge that their entire body is begging for. I also know, as a 30-something woman who has never given birth, that there are pains and troubles we go through that mothers never experience because our bodies are supposed to be baby-making machines, little reminders to reproduce that are quite annoying. Don't be so quick to judge people! Most are just trying to do what almost ALL animals live for.
I must say, while all sorts of fertility treatments have somewhat left the realm of the "weird" due to their commonality these days, they all DO seem rather science-fictiony. In fact, some of it WAS sci-fi before it was fact. Frankly, most of the people I know who went through IVF and the like mentioned it was a weird experience, especially when you really stop to think about what you are doing. If they can call it weird, I have no problem with a reporter doing the same.
ok... I'm sorry to those of you who I know will say otherwise, but... I think it is all just survival of the fittest... the fittest being those that can afford adoption, and those that can have children in a heterosexual relationship. From the dawn of time, it's been man and woman. There were gays and lesbians then, but of course, they didn't reproduce. They had not the technology because they wer not fit to do so. Now we do have the technology. But science has corrupted the world. That is why we are overpopulated now, because the fittest should have been the ones to remain, whereas science has given those not up to par for whatever reason the ability to stay in the race. And as the subconscious mind seeks to see it's seed grow, no matter what oreintation, sexuality, "problem", etcetera, you may have, everyone subconsiously wants their seed to prosper. That is the one thing we all have in commom. Despite it all, we all can agree to that fact. Please, don't take this the wrong way. I don't intend to hurt anyone.
Nice dose of social darwinism. sorry but your argument is full of holes. First, humans are not soley biological organisms - we mediate our experience through culture, language and sociality - and by extension science, medicine etc. Science and medicine are but two the tools we us to survive -to enhance our "survival" to use your term. Without both I dare say that most of us would not be here some disease would have taken us off long ago [did you forgo those corrupt vacinations as a child?]. Second, gays and lesbians are biologically capable of reproducing - and they have done so for hundreds of thousands of years - it just so happens that we know live in a world that "allows" them to do so in a way that does not compromise who they are. Third, there are plenty of "unfit" or as you say "up to par" people - however it is you choose to define it- who manage to reproduce.
You have conflated the biological process of natural selection with a whole lot of social and economic constraints that have no basis in biology.
what's a darwanism? biology told me that man woman=child, man man=? and woman woman=?. Then science told me the questionmark could be filled in with these various ordeals. So, man man=science(?) and woman woman=science(?), where ?= whathaveyou, times science to the variation of time. I hate science, to many equations.
"Steve and Michael are Preggers!" "Sally, Maria, and Sebastian are Having Twins!" "It's an Adopted Frozen Embryo!"
The writer of the article said these are birth announcements. Actually, these are pregnancy announcements, not birth announcements.
This is the reality. Women's fertility wanes as she ages. The best years are between 20 - 25, but in our urban society young people at that age are partying, getting degrees, working long hours, doing their own thing, etc. Not thinking of babies or marriage. You rarely hear of couples who marry young having problems. Heck, teens can probably get pregnant through ski pants! Those stable middle age couples are the ones struggling. It's a trade off.
The ignorance displayed here by the writer is incomprehensible. As a heterosexual female in a stable relationship who is 30 weeks pregnant with her first child conceived by IVF, I find the examples utilized by the "writer" to be sensational. While this should not surprise me given the medium, maybe she should have additionally attempted to find people who were not the extremes going through infertility and report on their struggles as well.
We were a couple who just could not conceive on our own, we needed help. Both my husband and I have issues preventing spontaneous conception (because this is a natural baby, he is kicking me to prove that right now). However, IVF helped us and we got pregnant the first time (we were very lucky) although we tried for almost 2 years to get pregnant.
Another issue this writer fails to address is the emotional toll of not being able to conceive a baby has on both individuals and couples. It's not about adopting, it's not about using Robitussin (as one poster indicated would "fix" things), it's not about a status symbol. It's was about trying to create a life that was part me and part my husband. While I shouldn't have to defend our decision to utilize ART, I have to. Obviously, people will disagree with our decision but until you have walked in our shoes save your judgment.
What a fabulous article.....I am 43 and have 2 children and a grandchild. I wish I would have frozen my eggs prior to my hysterectomy. My husband and I would love to have another child, my children are 25 and 16. The 16 year old is off to college in 1/2 year and my 25 y old is living in RI and living her life. I think all these ways to have a child are great. Although I have regrets I would not change a thing, even having a child at 18. I just wish I had more when I could have....Good luck to all those people trying to have children.
If medical innovation can be used to help people achieve their dream of having a family, then why not. More power to them.
How do you recommend in increasing woman's chance to conceive at the age of 41? I do not have a potential man to conceive with naturally. Is it realistic for me to get pregnant by the time I find the right man? Also I would like to store my egg at this age but need information. How expensive is it to store your egg?
Thank you.
I could help you out, but I have no idea who you are.
So how do we communicate? What do you suggest? Or you can just reply to my questions above.
Thanks
I had my son young. I don't think of him as a mistake or regret him, what i do regret is having him so early.
When I was 14, I had some female issues & was told that I had a very slim to no chance at all of having children of my own. When I got pregnant at the age of 17, I was in complete shock. His "sperm donor", as I will call him due to the fact that he wants no part of my son, has never been there, which is ok with me & my son, who is now 8, because my son is happy with his life. During my pregnancy, I almost lost him 3 times. Needless to say he was born healthy & when he was almost 2, I got pregnant with my daughter. I was so happy. After she was born, I was in & out of the hospital due to complications from being pregnant. I was then told again that it will be inpossible for me to have another child. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has no children of his own, but took on both of mine as if they were his. They love him very much. One day, he & I would love to have a child together, but I'm not sure that I can. Will find out when we are ready & if it all comes down to any other than the traditional way, then so be it.
Everyone has their own opinions, but noone can tell us how to live our lives. If you don't agree with the modern ways of having children, keep your opinion to yourself & let the rest of us live our lives & be happy with whoever or however we decide to have children!!!!!
I understand that accidents happen, and someone who could have had a child no longer can..but the truth of the matter is that most people who WANT children and who cant conceive naturally are out of the healthy age limit to even have a child..maybe that's why they need help or even want to 'make the perfect baby' because they know if they do end up having a child there are high chances the child wont be born healthy..and in that case..too bad for them, they should have thought about that before waiting so long. They should adopt.
I don't think its selfish to have kids..but i do think its selfish to KEEP having kids. A lot of people want big families, well..thats great..have one child of your own and then adopt the others, and then you can have the perfect family.
Did you forget something? There is also having a baby the completely natural un-medicalized way. First my husband and I had sex, I became pregnant, and then we found a wonderful midwife and I gave birth at home. Weird, huh?!
Yes, there is having a baby the completely natural unmedicated way. Then there are those that have tried that way for years and were unsuccessful without medical help. There are all kinds of people in the world - some are more fertile than others. I agree with ghudson68 - if medical innovation can be used to help people achieve their dream of having a family, then why not?
WOW! A breakthrough! All those people needlessly medicalizing themselves, spending thousands and thousands of dollars and suffering the emotional trauma of infertility have simply forgotten to have sex.
Are you trying to be funny or are you really that insensitive?
Yes, I am that insensative.
But the article is called 10 Ways to Have a Baby, is it not? Shouldn't it be 10 OTHER Ways to Have a Baby?
I don't see anyhting terribly wrong with medical intervention, except in cases such as Octomom, but there are those who will refuse to reduce a multiple birth because "god" wanted all their implanted fetuses to be born, completely forgetting that god originally didn't want them to conceive at all-- they had to circumvent god's will through "science." But yeah, I don't really care how people have the babies they want. Go for it! I got no horse in this race. So, yeah....
Men & women in rich, Developed Nations spend hundreds of millions of dollars annually circumventing their perfectly natural infertility (~15% of couples), while1,000 children starve to death in poor countries every day. Many times that number succumb to the very definition of Life. How sweet it would be if Adoption was the only option for childless couples Infectious Disease as a result of poverty, poor water & food, lack of access to Health Care. No wonder we are so despised.
Yet the strongest instinct of all is the one to Reproduce - (sweet for the children, that is), but in this Brave New World that's just not so. Social Engineering that ensures Adoption is cheaper & easier than the alternatives seems a good place to start. Universal, free, safe & legal access to effective Birth Control for every woman everywhere is the best way to ensure all kids are planned & well-provided for.
We're 99% instinctive ape, 1% Human Being when it comes to essential, vital topics like our own reproduction. A Philosophy that acknowledges this yet tries to improve the lives of both parents & (prospective) children is needed if we are to avoid heartbroken adults & freakish offspring.
Just one question for now: What is your system for using capital letters?
Thank you.
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