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I Was a Twilight Virgin
Completely unschooled in all things Twilight, The Daily Beast’s Nicole LaPorte saw New Moon cold. She emerged with a knowledge of shirtless wolves and vampires who sparkle. Plus, Barbara Spindel on being Robsessive compulsive.
“Which team are you on, Team Jacob or Team Edward?” a little girl asked her father, minutes before the first Los Angeles screening of The Twilight Saga: New Moon started, last Thursday night.
The dad, who was seated to my right, shrugged. “I’m going with the vampires,” he said, cluelessly. The girl nodded her head vigorously in approval.
Then and there, I decided that, should I ever be given the opportunity to choose, I, too, would declare myself an Edwardite. Whatever that meant.
I started taking notes. “What is the Volturi?” “Who is Alice?” “Why is the dad sleeping on the couch?” “Who’s the guy in the dreads and why is he so pissed off?”
You see, I was a Twilight Virgin. Of course, I knew what Twilight phenomenon was, or at least that it was a hugely popular series of books about vampires, and that one of those vampires, played by the hunkily brooding actor Robert Pattinson, induced Beatles-like mania among 13-year-old girls. I knew that when the first Twilight movie came out last year it made a lot of money and jump-started Hollywood’s vampire craze. That was about it.
I had no idea who Edward was, or why he got to have his own team. Ditto for Jacob.
• Barbara Spindel: Robsessive Compulsive
• Video Gallery: Before They Were in TwilightBut I was confident I could figure this out, just as I’d figured out Harry Potter—or, most of it; truth be told, I’m still not sure what a Hogwart is—when I was dragged to see the fourth movie cold, having never read any of the books or seen the movies.
This, in contrast, was only the second film. And, I assured myself, there would be all of the usual cinematic devices to assist me: flashbacks, voiceover narrations explaining plot complications, a splash of backstory, etc.
Wrong. About 15 minutes into New Moon, I started to feel the first twitchings of panic. There were no assists. When Bella (Kristen Stewart) is locked in an emotional threesome with (Team Leader!) Jacob (played by Taylor Lautner) and Edward (Pattinson), in the middle of a school parking lot—she and Jacob are having an I’m-Into-You-Kind-Of moment when Pattison rolls up in his Volvo—I could not discern what the currents of love and hate added up to, only that they were there.
(Summit Entertainment, which is releasing New Moon, is clearly confident that diehard Twilight fans, who are familiar with every nuance and hidden symbol in the books, will take care of filling theater seats.)
My only consolation was that I had chosen wisely, going with Team Edward—every time Pattison graced the screen, violins started playing, and everything went into slo-mo, as the camera zoomed to catch our hero running his hand through his extravagantly sculpted, bed-head hair. Jacob got no such love.
But there was little else for me to hang on to, and so I started taking notes. “What is the Volturi?” “Who is Alice?” “Why is the dad sleeping on the couch?” “Who’s the guy in the dreads and why is he so pissed off?”
Luckily, there was my friend, the little girl, two seats over. Being the only person in the entire theater under the age of 30 (made up of schlumpy, and mostly middle-age, journalists, media screenings do not play to the Twilight demo), I began relying on her for my cues. At the first sign of onscreen blood, when she shrieked, with genuine terror, “Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!”—and then, when there was more blood: “OH MY GOD!”—I knew it was a big deal.
“Blood. Important.” I wrote in my notebook.
I was similarly alerted that something of significance was afoot when Jacob took his shirt off for the first (of many) times, revealing a torso that had, apparently, improved since the first movie. The girl nearly lost it.
“Jake. Buff.” I jotted down.
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Nicole LaPorte is a West Coast reporter for The Daily Beast. A former film reporter for Variety, she has also written for The New Yorker, the Los Angeles Times Magazine, The New York Times, The New York Observer, and W.
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Nicole LaPorte is a West Coast reporter for The Daily Beast. A former film reporter for Variety, she has also written for The New Yorker, the Los Angeles Times Magazine, The New York Times, The New York Observer, and W.
Whatever you do, do NOT read the first book. You will be hooked and then you'll have no choice but to read all 4 books plus the extras. If you're a mom, you'll start wishing your daughter would date someone like Edward (every Mother's dream), or demand your son 'start acting a little more like a vampire, dammit.'
The character, Edward is the ultimate female fantasy, crafted by a woman for women, and he encompasses all the hidden desires you can imagine: bad boy with a heart of gold; knight in shining armor; coolest guy in high school; smart, unselfish, compassionate, superhero-level protector with a dark secret; prince in search of his princess; gorgeous unattainable boy; lonely boy in need of comfort and TLC... and the list goes on. Oh, he's also filthy rich and has 2 doctorates in medicine. All this is slowly revealed over the course of events, so the story weaves its spell ever so gradually. You have been warned.
I managed, just barely, to stop after reading the first book. As a 39-year old happily married woman, I was embarrassed by how thoroughly I was drawn into loving Edward. But I bailed when I read the reviews of the next three books and found out that Bella (the female lead) gets more and more wimpy as the series goes on.
If there's one thing I won't stomach, it's a weak, whiny, wishy-washy girl!
I suggest your try the Sookie Stackhouse vampire series by Charlaine Harris. The female lead is pretty tough and there are lots of hunky vampires. It's for adults so the vampires don't "sparkle" when they get out in the sun light, they bust into flames and die a horrible death! The series "True Blood" is based on the books but the books are MUCH, MUCH better then the show.
http://www.amazon.com/Dead-Until-Dark-Sookie-Stackhouse/dp/0441018254/re f=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1257888772&sr=8-8
Re: Twilight - She gets kick ass enough later to make up for it, so go ahead and read. Just skim through the first half of book 2 and you'll enjoy the rest. I was highly skeptical and despite all of my "intellectual" and political leanings, I can now admit, at 32, that I like boys who sparkle. :-)~
As for the Sookie Stackhouse books - the ideas and storylines are great, the writing is pretty atrocious. I would definitely watch True Blood and read the books if you need a brain break. Once I got past the writing style (or lack thereof) I enjoyed it as a guilty pleasure. You will love the characters in spite of the writing (which you won't notice after book 1).
It's nonsense, especially the part that he is sparkle everytime the sun comes out--it's hilarious but at the same time insulting the cool classic vampire idea. And he is so pale like a dead fish.
I am still baffled as to how such awful written books could hav become as big a phenomenon as they have. I get irrationally annoyed when people say it's the ultimate romance - they're both very dull characters with no personalities, Bella is a complete self insert of the author and Edward is her mastubatory fantasy, although I think he's a creep (I don't care how good looking you are, if you say you're a threat to me then creep into my room at night to watch me sleep, I'm calling the police!) Meyer couldn't write a gripping romance to save herself, let alone a real paranormal tale (sparkly vampires? What the hell?) I can't deny that the backlash has made me smile (Comic Con regulars went beserk at Twi-hards taking over the place). Call me old fashionbed but I'll stick to Harry Potter.
Don't be surprised that such an awful book could be such a phenomenon, just look at anything that Dan Brown has written. I read the Davinchi Code and was convinced of the mental retardation of anyone who thought that book was worth anything, and then the movies came out and it was much worse. At least the Twilight movies (didn't read the book) are filmed in blueish hues are are pretty too look at. (Also don't forget the part of the movie that has Edward shirtlessly playing the piano with Bella, I though that was a novel 1980's music video scene, and it made me laugh.) I like the movies because I am from Michigan, but I currently live in South Korea. The constantly wet and overcast filming of the Pacific Northwest reminds me all too much of Michigan autumns. But other than that you are completely right, Edward is a creep, but I find the corny serious tone that the movies take to be absolutely hillarious.
Actually, Meyer's sci-fi book "The Host" was a pretty great read. Not dazzling writing, but not as horrible as the Twilight saga sometimes is.
I fought the tide for as long as I could...and then gave in. As a junior high reading teacher, I wanted my students to ignore the hype and be above it. But alas, I begrudgingly gave in and read the books, if only to be able to use them from a literary perspective. I got hooked and read all four books in the span of less than a week. And while I was disappointed with the first movie, I'm hoping the second will be better. I won't say I'm addicted - but I do so enjoy playing "devil's advocate" in the discussions my students are having about these books and now the movies.
As a side note - liked the Mortal Instruments Trilogy better than Twilight. Sorry girls!
Edward is an a**hole. I hate the series. I don't understand how ppl can admire Edward. Makes no sense to me.
Watching the first movie kind of ruined the book for me since I read it after watching it. I wasn't able to visualize the images from the book as well or the characters since I didn't really care for the actors in the movie. I'm sorry, I just don't think Robert Pattison is as incredible gorgeous as Edward is supposed to be! I mean he's really attractive, and maybe he even comes close but I can't get through the series now, haha.
Ok first off Nicole...the title of your post "I was a Twilight Virign" is incorrect..you still ARE a Twilight virgin seeing as you have no clue about anything you are talking about..I am really annoyed that you out of all people were able to get passes to the pre screening.
I mean aren't you suppose to "do your homework" before you go on an assignment? Your blog only shows your idiocy, I mean you write about how you can "wing" it like you did with Harry Potter, which apparently you still don't get....
to be fair, i think a lot of high schools have a crowd of red-eyed kids in marilyn manson make up.
LOL - mine certainly did! The vamps would blend right in to the Theater and Art Departments!
Glad you liked it, if you did. I don't think you said, and I don't blame you for that.
There's too many of them now though. It's like westerns were at one time, and spies. Every third show. What a kick I guess, to live vicariously forever-young (if not staked), and all it costs is your soul. Of course, no-one would ever turn ME into a vampire, I'm 58 and that makes me too un-cool. I'm just fodder.
I'd like to sick Buffy on 'em. But wait; she falls for vampires who regain their souls and forego out of conscience the blood of higher animals. (Sigh.)
The Vampire myth has always been about sex. Am I not having enough sex? Am I having too much sex? If I have sex will I like it too much and become a raving sex fanatic? Think about it: a dark stranger sneaks up on you an literally penetrates you. Dracula itself was written during a syphilis epidemic.
But what Meyers has done is rip all the sex out of the Vampire myth. What we're left with is a lot of ooh-ing and aah-ing and a story that's safe for the tween set.
It's the same reason Ken dolls don't have any genitalia.
It's certainly made Meyers a rich woman and a cultural phenomenon... but at the cost of one of humanity's most notable literary conventions.
(And yes, I have read the first Twilight, at the urging of practically every woman in my life. "Tell me about yourself", she asked. "I cannot", he replied. "But you must", she responded. "It's too dangerous", he implored. The he/she ____ construction at the end of every line of dialogue is AMATEUR HOUR. That stuff usually gets knocked out by any first year undergrad writing student.)
Yes, Meyers isn't the best prose stylist around, but to her credit, the books are addictive anyway. She sure does something right--maybe plotting, and knowing how to pace a juicy love story. I imagine her editor is quite good, too.
Thank you.
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