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Welcome to Manhood, Chaz Bono!
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Being a dude has its advantages, as Sean Macaulay explains. You get to eat more Mexican food. Martin Amis seems like a feminist. And you can adopt Chuck Norris as your new hero.
The International Brotherhood of Men
Cleveland, Ohio
Dear Chaz,
This is just a note to say congratulations on your new life chapter and welcome to the man club. The International Brotherhood of Men couldn't be more proud to have you on the team.
You dress like Kevin Federline. You kicked ass as team captain in Celebrity Fit Club 3. You, Chaz Bro-no, are the kind of guy's guy we thought no longer existed—a previous OxyContin addiction, rehab, arm tattoos, carousing with hotties, locking antlers with Cher. What an inspiration!
One great thing about being a man: Your guilty pleasure is viral videos of failed trampoline tricks. Not watching them, but making them.
Obviously, you will notice a few changes as you settle into your new life. You probably used to cry at The Way We Were and laugh at Brian's Song. Now you will laugh at The Way We Were and laugh really loudly at Brian's Song. ("So what? He dies. Move on.") But you have clearly mastered the basics of being a guy—plaid shorts, flip-flops, making any buffet your Sistine Chapel—so we'll move straight to the graduation. Here are some Great Things About Being a Man for you to look forward to:
You can kill your own spiders.
Your new motto is: One mood all the time.
You get to pick your own cool nickname like Alca-Chaz.
You can watch The King of Queens and sigh, "How do they get it so right?"
You can watch Mad Men and wonder, "How did we let this slip away?"
You can eat Mexican and order something other than the tostada.
Your new catchphrase will be, "I got it, thanks."
You don't need to hold your coffee cup with two hands.
You won't have to write a list to feel better.
You will not wince at the word “panties.”
You can have sex with people you don't like.
The novels of Martin Amis will no longer seem sexist.
Your secret crush is Sarah Palin. (Seriously. That's why you keep it a secret.)
Your guilty pleasure is viral videos of failed trampoline tricks. Not watching them, but making them.
Getting dressed up is not worth the trouble.
Neither are thank-you notes or shopping lists. ("I'll remember it.") You will remember nothing except who played drums on the The Clash's 1983 U.S. tour.
You will pay for this male amnesia till the day you die.
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Sean Macaulay is a screenwriter, humorist and journalist, specializing in symptoms of the post-macho midlife crisis. He was the L.A. movie critic for The London Times from 1999 to 2007, and has written for The Daily Telegraph, Radio Times, Punch, and British GQ. He was most recently creative consultant on Anvil! The Story of Anvil, which was voted Best Documentary at the Independent Sprit Awards. You can follow him on Twitter here.
tolatetocry
this is pathetic, all the way around! Cher, we feel your pain!
Phm2585
Who cares about this? This article was terrible and poorly written. Those cheesy one liners about being a man totally sucked. ha ha ha eat more Mexican food ha ha ha. LAME.
innocentcitizen
lighten up weirdos. it is supposed to be funny. but lets not fool ourselves, chastity is still female, she just got rid of the parts she didn't like about herself.
now if she can just fix the rest of the things she doesn't like about herself.
Southpaw
Time for Chaz to put in a call to Richard Simmons.
medpie
Which candidates for sex reassignment surgery make the best patients?
http://www.medpie.com/people/in-the-news/chaz.html
connieboyd
Ha ha ha. Tired stereotypes are so hilarious.
Leave him alone.
susanstohelit
Wow, what a pathetically unfunny list of gender stereotypes! I guess my male partner isn't a real man because he gets emotional at movies and likes Broadway musicals (or maybe he's gay? That's probably it), while I must be a man because I, uh, order burritos at Mexican restaurants, don't hold a coffee cup with both hands (seriously, these are perks of being a man?) and also avoid Bravo reality shows. It's 2009, can we be over stupid lists like this yet?
SCMax101
haha,your man is gay
andygirl
This is the most pointless article I have ever read. Way to buy into stereotypes. Chaz wasn't a Barbie Doll who decided to become a real boy. Chaz, like most transgendered people I know, always felt male and then surgically made the transition. You don't cut off a body part and then suddenly act like a "man," whatever that means.
craney808
You don't think much of men, do you Sean?
maxiepad
Boy, I really shouldn't say this, but I can't help it: "Chaz" Bono is SO overweight that, for all practical purposes, he could've just stayed a woman.
Now, more seriously, my bet is that this person's problems will not end with this sex change (a very traumatic process). Morbid obesity is rarely consistent with good mental health.
iamone3
Maxi, I agree and this is so sad .
chiphxla
At a normal, healthy weight his feminine face would be more obvious - he was a pretty girl as a youngster. Weight can camoflage a lot when you're unhappy. I thought I had read he was supposed to lose weight before surgery as the doctors said he was dangerously obese...?
Ankhorite
Open yourself to the possibility that now that his gender dysphoria is taken care of, the weight will come off.
I hope everything works out for him.
aishku
Heh... Sean Macaulay really hates men, doesn't he? Tosser.
redrik
More Hollywood wierdness
Not News
sophia5
Never mind all this trivial analysis.
Will CHAZ prove his manhood by leaving the toilet seat Up ???
theWritist
He left off the list; It is now mandatory that you either make fun of, or completely ignore, Cher.
dooreen
Chaz sure sounds like Sonny now, when Chaz speaks, maybe Chaz should start singing with Cher, some of the old duets. I bet it will sound very close and sinister to the old hits.
dooreen
Talk about a reality show, they could have their own show like the old days.
namedujour
You can also fart in public and scratch your new balls. Boo-yah!
nkadzi
Sometimes free speech leaves a lot to be desired especially when it's downright male chauvinistic!!
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