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Why Men Cheat
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It’s the question many have been asking this week: Why would a man with everything, including a drop-dead gorgeous wife, still feel the need to cheat? The Daily Beast puts Tiger Woods (and all men) on the couch, as a half-dozen psychologists give him a proper head-shrinking, Freud-style.
Yet another celebrity has risked his family, public image, and livelihood for some big-lipped, blond-streaked, saline-injected specimen. But what makes the Tiger Woods saga so exceptional is the sheer recklessness of it. The allegations of church parking lot romps, the condom-less sex, the billion-dollar gravy train at stake. It begs a question that seems to be recurring about once a quarter: What makes men so revered, so powerful, so rich feel the need to engage in shenanigans and push them so close to the edge? Why makes (fill in the blank) Tiger/Spitzer/Edwards/Ensign/Clinton/men so careless, so dumb?
Ask a shrink, and you will get an answer. Ask 12 shrinks, and you will get 12 answers: It was about sex. It had nothing to do with sex. He was depressed. He’s entitled. He’s tragically insecure. He thinks the rules don’t apply to him. He’s an adrenaline junkie. He wanted to get caught. He doesn’t think he deserves his success. He’s Teflon man. And so on.
Click Image Below to View Our Gallery of Famous Cheaters
They’re all plausible, but since none of us knows him personally, it’s hard to be sure. So we decided to go back to the source: Freud. We asked some leading psychologists to put Tiger Woods on the couch—a proxy, in some ways, for any powerful man—through the prism of the father of psychoanalysis himself. Three theories emerged:
THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE (THE ID)
According to Freud, the id is the unconscious part of our psyche: Impulsive. Instinctual. Polymorphous perverse. When you’re a famous athlete who’s got girls shedding their knickers the minute they see you, well, why not indulge in a little after-school activity?
“If you put a guy on the road half the year and all these beautiful women throw themselves at him, and he’s got a lot of money—it’s hard not to become narcissistic,” says Stephen Josephson, a cognitive behavioral psychologist in New York City. “Narcissism includes a limited tolerance for limits—‘I should be able to do what I want to do’ and grandiosity—‘I can do whatever I want to do because I’m special.’ What goes hand in hand is, ‘I can get away with it.’”
Translation: Tiger thought he wasn’t going to get caught.
• Gerald Posner: Chaos at Tiger Inc.
• The Daily Beast’s full Tiger coverageNoel Biderman, the CEO of Ashley Madison, a dating site for people “already in relationships” (read: married or cohabiting), 98 percent of the men on his site are there for sexual-related reasons. “They’re in sexless marriages, or they’re tired of vanilla sex, or they want a different ethnicity,” says Biderman, who says he has 5 million men and women on his site. “Do I believe that’s representative of why men have affairs? Absolutely. Tiger’s a great example. There are a lot of factors in place that obviously make him a great candidate—the high-profile nature of his career, how many people throw themselves at him, he’s taken risks that have paid off.”
Plus, he adds, adultery is hot. The best sex is, more often than not, illicit sex—Meryl and Clint in the Bridges of Madison County; Bogart and Bergman in Casablanca; Diane Lane and that French guy in Unfaithful. “Affairs really get people’s blood boiling,” he says. “Monogamous sex becomes monotonous.”
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Can Sex-Addiction Rehab Save Tiger?
Abby Ellin regularly writes the "Vows" column for the New York Times, and previously wrote the "Preludes" column for that newspaper about young people and money. Her work has appeared in a range of publications, including Time, Marie Claire, More, Self and Glamour. She is the author of Teenage Waistland, but her greatest claim to fame is naming “Karamel Sutra” ice cream for Ben and Jerry's.
Don't Get Pregnant, Elin!
Abby Ellin regularly writes the "Vows" column for the New York Times, and previously wrote the "Preludes" column for that newspaper about young people and money. Her work has appeared in a range of publications, including Time, Marie Claire, More, Self and Glamour. She is the author of Teenage Waistland, but her greatest claim to fame is naming “Karamel Sutra” ice cream for Ben and Jerry's.
Love Trumped Money
Abby Ellin regularly writes the "Vows" column for the New York Times, and previously wrote the "Preludes" column for that newspaper about young people and money. Her work has appeared in a range of publications, including Time, Marie Claire, More, Self and Glamour. She is the author of Teenage Waistland, but her greatest claim to fame is naming “Karamel Sutra” ice cream for Ben and Jerry's.
farkennel
abby ellin consults freud.Does abby ellin then believe women fantasize about being raped and suffer from penis envy?Careful who you quote abby,just pick the freud you agree with and ignore or denounce the rest.no one will notice your selective analysis.
speechrock
Come in out of the cold, join civil society, respect your Mother and other women and take a course in punctuation. As a man I apologize to all women for this Neanderthal. Just another case of Walter Mitty skipping the gym and using the anonymity of the internet instead.
pclayton
On behalf of all women too stupid to see the idiocy of this man's behavior (and blame it on the bimbos) and on behalf of all men who are not trying to compete in the "I can be the best whoremonger you ever heard of," I accept. Thank you, speechrock, for restoring my faith in your gender. Common sense and respect are very sexy.
johnwr3
How's this one? Women are like Lay's Potato Chips...you can't eat just one.
speechrock
Stay off of Dad's computer junior.
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Jonoharris
Poor Abby, another so-called educated woman who thinks she can explain normal male behavior with more degrading theories about immaturity and feelings of inadequacy.
First of all, the world "cheating" is loaded, jaded and subjective....not at all suitable for a discussion as complex as human sexuality and behavior.
Second, what Tiger Woods was engaged in is NORMAL HUMAN BEHAVIOR. Elliott Spitzer, John Edwards, Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods - a governor, president, senator and elite athlete - are these guys ALL suffering from feelings of inadequacy? I think not. Maybe women need to confront once and for all the fact that most men are not interested in having sex with one woman for the rest of our lives. We may love our wives and our marriages.....but, face it honey, we'd all love a little on the side.
And......it will NEVER CHANGE.
KateTheGreat
Hey, women and men cheat about equally in the US...so looks like both men/women get bored of the same-old-same-old.
Desertpenguin
Cheating is about more than betraying a commited relationship.
Many people are deficient of good qualities and cheat in all kinds of situations.
I think loyalty and fidelity are advanced traits and they're not found in a lot of people.
Also, I see very few cultural clues that advocate loyalty, but the message to win in any situation is non-stop and overwhelming.
aspen420
spoken like a truly uneducated chauvinistic man.
cheating is cheating, whether it's on a spouse, a test, or taxes. there is no excuse for cheating.
and if "most men" like you claim don't want to have sex with one woman for the rest of their lives, maybe these men should learn not to take a vow to one woman (hopefully at a time) saying they will be faithful until death.
"most men?" really? how dare you insult my great grandfather, my grandfather, my father, my brother, my uncle, and countless other men in my family and life who have taken a sacred vow of love and trust and committed themselves wholly to family and honor with your uneducated half-baked claim of what "most men" want. you speak for yourself.
pclayton
Do you believe that chauvinist? Whew!
sweetmoses
It's not cheating if you know the rules ahead of time. Tiger didn't explain the rules to his wife, so he's paying the price now.
Powerful men "cheat" because they are inherent risk takers. They take risks in business, they take risks in the gym, they take risks on the course, they take risks with women. It's inseparable from their being. If they didn't take risks and win most of the time, they wouldn't be successful.
Other men, beta males, work their 9-5 job and come home everyday and that's fine with them. They have no entrepreneurial spirit, they take few risks because the ones they did take didn't pay off for them. MOST men are like this, so I would agree with you on that point.
ReyesHawk
That is just bull. Most of the men I know don't cheat. I've been married 20 years without cheating, same with my cousin and brother-in-law. As with aspen420, the men in my family don't do it and to suggest that we all do is both insulting and ignorant. If you can't stay faithful to one woman, DON"T GET MARRIED. Your wife and kids deserve better than a jerk who doesn't respect himself or others and shows it every day.
pclayton
Normal is in the eye of the beholder. If your standards are that low, keep them. I do not think that disrespect, commitment and responsibility to one person is impossible if one really cares about another person. You do not love your wife if you need/want a little on the side.
pclayton
Correction: do not think that respect...
demacinn
hank you Jonoharris for helping to point out that men sleeping with women outside their marriages is not solely caused by men and their lack of morals. Ethically, it would be ideal if a man could say to his wife, "Honey, I am feeling attracted to other women. I want to act on this. It doesn't mean I don't love you, I just have these desires. Lets talk about this." At this point of the conversation, many women, who have been taught to feel insecure about their loved one having feelings of this nature, get angry at the man for activating the woman's insecurities. As a result, THE MAN LEARNS NOT TO HAVE CONVERSATIONS OF THIS NATURE WITH HIS WIFE/PARTER/GIRLFRIEND. There are lessons for both sexes here: Don't make your insecurities the sole responsibility of your partner and listen to your partner without letting fear get the best of you. Many men cheat because many women have taught them not talk about how they truly feel.
newswoman
Demacinn, that is so much bullshit. Men don't want to talk about their feelings many times, and women have to pull teeth to get them to open up.
And if my husband said, I want to sleep with other women once in a while, is that okay with you, I wouldn't understand that attitude. Of course, if the woman said, it's alright with me if I can sleep with other men, how does that sound to you, honey? Hmm. I don't think many men would go along with their wives sleeping with other men, do you? What's good for the gander, is good for the goose.
dooreen
I would guess, it is not that complicated, assuming an hourly fee was not important to anyone.
I would guess it is not just about excitement. I would think becoming the greatest golfer, and then losing that position, and getting booed for whatever debatable reason. would change a person, and influence them to see the world differently.
If belonging is not possible, why not live the dream, before you wake up from it.
prthatrocks
I don't care how beautiful the woman... somewhere, for some reason, some guy is just tired of banging her.
newswoman
What a crude way of putting it, prthatrocks, but true.
kscr14
I find as a woman it greatly disturbing just how many men have been quoted since the conversations have been stirred to the effect that all men cheat or wish they were cheating. What a disrespect to women. It is a complete betrayal to cheat on a spouse.No excuses. Men can go on and on about why they cheat and it still is a betrayal.If a man wants to hurt a woman he supposedly loves,, well that is his choice.To make it sound as the impossible to resist so therefore I do it ... well , I can tell you ,men, women are strong, tough and fighter, we can move on . So you better not be so stupid to think we don't give a holy crap that you cannot control yourself.If some men put half of that energy into the relationship... the sex would be better.
On another note.. I actually heard a seventy year old man say"If a woman won't give it up by our third date, I won't ask her out again". Good God, help us all.
pclayton
If she didn't give it up by the third date, she probably doesn't want you either.
kscr14
Are you kidding me????? What planet are you from?
keninbutte
1) 3rd date??? If there was a 3rd date, then perhaps there is some chemistry to take advantage of. But lets get real hear. I think he was being conservative.
2) It is fallacious to think that women and men don't engage in extra-martial sex. More that half of all marriages (mine included) end in divorce. And although there are a mirriade of reasons, infidelity at one or both sides seems to be very common. Those who quote "my brother, father, uncle....." need to ask themselves, "would these men actually tell me that they have been unfaithful? What about my sister, mother, aunt???
Men and women both stray from their marriage. It happens. Get over it.
SyncopatedAstrid
keninbutte, if you're as big an authority on infidelity as you are on spelling, the future of marriage is strong.
MurrayAbraham
Spare us the pseudo-analysis.
FYI women cheat on their husbands as much as men cheat on their wives.
Some studies even conclude than women cheat more.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1211104/Think-men-unfaithful-s ex-A-study-shows-WOMEN-biggest-cheats--theyre-just-better-lying-it.html
nipoleon
It's very simple.
Women are attracted to rich men.
Having access to lots of women sexually is part of the reward for a man being rich.
Who's really being hypocritical here ?
Is Tiger being the hypocrite, or are we ?
Wasn't Tiger simply getting the reward that every rich man sees as his due ? Rich guys do this sort of thing all the time.
They have no problem getting women to go along with it.
Aren't we the hypocritical ones ?
Aren't we hypocrites for bashing Tiger for doing something that we know rich guys do, and even expect to get as a natural part of their status ?
Tiger's mistake is that he cultivated an image which wasn't realistic.
He should have taken the Charlie Sheen approach.
Everybody knows Charlie Sheen is a horn dog who doesn't mind spending money on women for sex. Has it hurt his career ? Is he out of work ?
Finding out he has sex with women he's not married to is hardly any scandal.
If Tiger had of put forth an image of a playboy rather than an upright family man, there would be no story here.
jong345
Agreed. Let's stop pretending that "every man" does this or that.. This is standard behavior for very wealthy or powerful men with high sex drives. Any woman with a wealthy man should know that this is going to happen.
newswoman
Does he (Tiger) know that women wouldn't fall at his feet if he weren't rich and famous? Women get the same kind of treatment of they are beautiful and famous.
Noontime
newswoman:
THAT is exactly the point. It seems that everyone's inclination is to view Tiger Woods as if he's aways been the great TIGER WOODS. Truth is, he was and is a dork. He's somewhat awkward and not especially attractive. You really think that those traits garnered him attention from women when he was a teenager? Absolutely not. All the attention from women came after Woods became rich and famous. But he's still an awkward dork--thus the tragic way he handled all the attention.
DakLak
These words say it all: "The allegations of ..."
Where's the proof.
As for anyone, including myself, having multiple sex partners, three letters says it all: H.I.V.
I visit China often and quite honestly, sex is served to Foreigners on a plate. If companies I visit don't offer the opportunity, girls are easy pickups, especially in BeiJing and ShangHai, but even if I was inclined the risk of disease is so high it would detract from any enjoyment.
Anyone who sleeps around, male or female, has this on the line. HIV/AIDS has no cure.
sweetmoses
Where's the article "Why Women Sleep With Wealthy Men: A Freudian Analysis?"
At least 9 women didn't mind being the "other woman" in Tiger's life. Are they inadequate for knowingly taking a second billing? Or did they just assume being #2 or even #8 on the Tiger Woods gravy train was better than being a cocktail waitress?
Men -wealthy men- cheat because they have the means to do so. And women are simply attracted to wealthy men. Consciously because they give the women a lifestyle that they couldn't otherwise have, and subconsciously because women view money as protection for them and their offspring.
And wealthy men have multiple partners consciously because it affords them a variety of sexual experiences and unconsciously because it increases the success rate for their offspring.
If you want to psychoanalyze the situation, you have to admit that it's really all about procreation.
pclayton
When procreation does not result from sexual experiences with multiple partners, especially consciously via birth control, how is it about procreation? Only in a strictly biological definition of sexual intercourse with penetration I would say. Our conscious minds are supposed to be on top of our biological drives unless we are helpless slaves to our genitals. And if it didn't feel good, no one would be doing it. Hence: Tiger Woods and his harem.
sweetmoses
I like you. The purpose of the human sex drive, as with every other animal on the planet, is for procreation. Now, of course it also feels great so we do it even when we don't want to procreate. And as much as semen seems like a projectile whose expulsion signals the successful completion of the act of sex, it's also for procreation.
The modern world affords us several methods of birth control as well as medical knowledge that decreases the infant mortality rate so we no longer need to have 10 children in the hopes that at least 4 will survive into adulthood. So we take sex for granted, and its a luxury that we can do that. But its intended evolutionary purpose is procreation and the advancement of our species.
jong345
Realistic and dead right.
hasbro
Agreed, the whole deal is totally about reproduction. However, in your reply to pclayton you misstate that this is for the "advancement" of the species. Not true at all, it's about the "survival" of the species. Big difference.
KateTheGreat
Ugh...I hate that women will put up with some fat, balding, old man with long grey ballhairs if he happens to have a 7 figure bank account. Same with mindlessly throwing oneself at: musician, sports douch, politician, etc.
I can't wait until The Donald (Trump) is so old, so feeble, his comb-over is so horrendous, that NOBODY will sleep with him, no matter how much money he waves around. *sigh* I know it will never happen, but I can dream right? :OP
The problem with sleeping with rich men, simply BECAUSE they have money, is that they start to think of women as objects who can be bought *and in a way, it's sort of true in these cases...ick* but in the end, both parties use money and "stuff" as a substitute for meaningful interaction. Sure, screwing a new pal is great fun/exciting regardless of gender, but after a few months it's the same old crap...rinse, repeat ad infinitum.
I don't have a problem with people having multiple partners, or open marriages -- but you HAVE to be honest with your partner from the get-go..."Hey, er, I am not interested in a monogamous relationship etc." Grow the hell up~
sweetmoses
The day you wish for will never come. Women will ALWAYS sleep with men for money. After all, it's the oldest profession in the world.
And the women you speak of that these men objectify are also objectifying the men. Woman thinks: man = money. Man thinks: woman = sex. One is no better or worse than the other. But women have to accept that when the sex stops, so does the money. It's only fair.
"Screwing a new pal" absolutely gets boring. So does screwing your wife over and over and over and over. You could develop a meaningful relationship with your spouse on an intellectual/spiritual/emotional level, but you'll still get tired of the sex after a while.
But I do agree that you must be honest with your partner, no matter what, and that's where Tiger messed up. I'm pretty sure he could have found a wife that wouldn't mind him sleeping around. Heck, his current wife may have been cool with it if he was up front about it.
pclayton
Right, Kate, it's so normal to sleep around but not normal to expect honesty. If screwing around with anyone and everyone were normal, why isn't everyone out there admitting they love the person for the moment but it is subject to change? Getting married involves vows and promises; were these cheaters sleepwalking when they said "I do"? If you don't mean it don't say it.
sweetmoses
It's not as simple as if you don't mean it don't say it. I doubt everybody who gets divorced didn't mean it when they said their vows. But times change, people change, people grow, and people grow apart. I think promising somebody you will NEVER sleep with somebody else is as silly as saying you'll NEVER eat seafood again. You may mean it at the time, but things change.
safiyah
Why is anyone asking "why" in regard to Tiger Woods? He did "it" because he wanted to-period. There is no further analysis of his motives required. The more interesting anaylsis should be why is everyone so curious about what he did in the first place. I think that a big part of it is what hero worship is really about: It is not about what is being worshipped. It is about the worshipper. It is navel gazing in its highest form. Hero worshipping allows ordinary people to become extraordinary in those moments that they are watching the hero perform those things they can't do. It like the evil stepmother's mirror in Snow White that affirmed for her she was the fairest of them all, Tiger, the mirror, is now affirming ordinary people's horrible or great sex lives just as he provided transport for them to courses they could never play or master. The public needs to be advised: what did the evil stepmother in was not the not putting down the mirror when she clearly should have, it was the picking it up in the first place.
retiredbud
There are about 6 billion people on earth, ever wonder how they got here? I can't speak for women, but they obviously enjoy orgasims as much as men! we are hardwired! The words sex and love are not in the same dictionary, although _most of us love the partner we are having sex with.Rarely does a woman between the age of 14 & 60 with a nice ass walk by won"t have a momentary thought of nakedness!
pclayton
And you are a fine example of the male gender. Thanks for your honesty. The statement about loving the person you are having sex with is totally off unless the definition of love is "you excite me now but not once this is over." Not in my dictionary.
speechrock
Excuse the reference to ethnic background as it is not relevant. Some jokes just can't be told without some leeway in political correctness.
So there are two senior citizens who are approaching their sixtieth wedding anniversary. Sitting around the house on a typical day the wife is knitting for a recent grandchild and watching Oprah while the husband, following his daily routine, is in his recliner with the newspaper spread across his lap sound asleep and snoring.
The wife turns her attention to her husband and quietly, patiently surveys him from across the room. Just then the husband is awakened by one of his own snorts and catches his wife's solitary gaze in his direction.
What is it, he asks. It's nothing she replies. No, he says, after 60 years I can tell when you have something on your mind.
Pausing to consider her response, she replies, When I married you 60 years ago you looked like a Greek God; Now you look like a god damn Greek.
Iovolosolo
I still do not understand why pundits have not yet addressed the issue of why women, so many women, are both willing and eager to engage with married men. Men hunt, and women say Yes. Women know they are wrecking marriages and ruining the lives of wives and children, yet they continue to play and yet it's almost always the men who come under scrutiny.
pclayton
I have a rhetorical question regarding the men featured in your photos: is there a woman around who would really want to have sex with any of these 4 guys? What a group of ugly, aging, balding males--no sex appeal in any of them, yet they are our latest posterboy philanderers. Women have got to raise their standards!
Thank you.
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