Charlie Sheen's Self-Help Manual

Charlie Sheen, the troubled star of CBS’ Two and a Half Men, has finally entered rehab. Jace Lacob talks to television industry insiders about why the hell it took so long.

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1. How to Recover from a Night Out

"He takes his drinking very seriously. Not to worry; he'll be his usual charming self by morning."
—Aramis, The Three Musketeers

If anyone takes his partying seriously, it's Charlie Sheen. The star's latest bender—in which he trashed a New York hotel room on a family trip—was epic even by his standards. But it may be some time before the Two and a Half Men star is charming again since he decided to go into rehab this week.


2. How to Be Fiscally Responsible

"For what I've spent on therapy, I could get a couple of very expensive hookers who will say anything I want."
—Charlie Harper, Two and a Half Men

Of course, hookers aren't always a sound investment. The fracas at the Plaza Hotel was kicked off when Sheen, in a "coke-fueled rampage," accused an escort he was partying with of stealing his wallet and cellphone. Sheen flipped, causing about $7,000 worth of damage to his hotel room.

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3. How to Admit You Have a Problem

"Day by day I struggle to maintain not only my strength but also my sanity. It's all a blur. I have no energy to write. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore."
—Chris Taylor, Platoon

One thing Sheen has always struggled to maintain is sobriety. His latest rehab stint isn't his first. Sheen last check into a rehab clinic in February 2010, as a "preventive measure" following domestic abuse charges from his then-wife Brooke Mueller.

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4. How to Say "Sorry" for Your Mistakes

"I know I've been a bit of a schmuck lately and I just want to apologize…Let me make it up to you."
—Bud Fox, Wall Street

Sheen's most famous apology came in 2008, when he issued a mea culpa to ex-wife Denise Richards for a particularly bruising voicemail in which he used both the N-word and the C-word. "I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended," Sheen wrote at the time.

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5. How to Treat a Lady Right

"I hate shitheads who bully their women."
—Carl Taylor, Men at Work

The same year Sheen was playing a troublemaking, lady-respecting garbage man in Men at Work, he had a little accident with then-girlfriend Kelly Preston. That is, he shot her. The couple had a hard time getting over the incident, apparently, and separated shortly after.

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6. How to Find Faith

"Lord, forgive us for our wrongdoings, for our misguidance by heathen religions. Thank you for keeping us alive. Lord, be with us in doing the right thing. Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name."
—Richard Brewer, Young Guns

Since he's still the best-paid actor on TV, many Hollywood types have apparently been able to dig deep and forgive Charlie Sheen. Perhaps the most astounding is his former wife Brooke Mueller, with whom Charlie kissed and made up mere weeks after the actor allegedly held her at knifepoint in front of their kids.

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7. How to Stay Away from Bad Seeds

"I don't think I'm very good company, right now."
—Ricky Vaughn, Major League

Maybe it's not you, Charlie. Besides frequent visits to Heidi Fleiss' brothel, Sheen has also dated two porn stars, Ginger Lynn and Heather Hunter.

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8. How to Learn the Legal System

"My father used to say that not playing to win is like sleeping with your sister. Sure she's a great piece of tail, with a blouse full of goodies,'s just illegal. Then you get into that whole inbred thing. Kids with no teeth who do nothing but play the applesauce through a straw...pork farm animals."
—Topper Harley, Hot Shots!

Thankfully, Charlie has never been romantically linked to his sister, but he's learned about the underside of the legal system in other ways. Just last February, he was charged with felony menacing, misdemeanor third-degree assault, and misdemeanor criminal mischief following a domestic scuffle with Mueller.

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9. How to Spot a Hooker

"You wear too much eye makeup. My sister wears too much. People think she's a whore."
—Anonymous Criminal, Ferris Bueller's Day Off

If anyone knows his way around a brothel, it's Charlie Sheen. In 1995, he was outed as a frequent customer of Heidi Fleiss' operations—but he defended himself bravely. "I love sex and can afford it," Sheen reportedly said.

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10. How to Be Dependable

"I'll be there with you in the sound of your laughter. I'll be in the tears you cry."
—Charlie Barkin, All Dogs Go to Heaven 2

Throughout all the legal trouble and negative press, one party that won't ever quit on Charlie is CBS, which airs his incredibly profitable sitcom Two and a Half Men. Though the network dishes out $30 million a year to keep him around, it makes a whopping $551 million in ad revenue each year from the show.

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11. How to Break the Cycle

"Sometimes later on in life people change."
—Charlie Crawford, Spin City

Let's hope so.