Ponzi schemer Bernard Madoff landed in the slammer yesterday after pleading guilty to 11 charges, but jail certainly isn't the first 'big house' Bernie has known. New documents suggest Madoff and wife Ruth were worth $823 million, including $22 million in luxe dwellings from New York to Palm Beach, the French Riviera, and Montauk. The Madoff coffers also include $17 million in cash, a $7 million yacht, $45 million in securities, a $39K piano, and $65K in fine silverware. The Madoffs' most ironic asset? A $2.2 million boat named "Bull." Its sister boat, "Sitting Bull" was worth a comparatively humble $320K. Prepared by the SEC last year, the document assessing the Madoffs' net worth was not made public until today. Madoff is expected to be kept in solitary confinement with limited contact with his lawyers, which they say will make sorting the ins and outs of Bernie's buried assets a titanically complicated ordeal.

Happy Friday, shareholders! Stocks closed this week with the biggest weekly gain since November for the S&P 500, which closed at 756.55. The Dow Jones nudged up 0.8 percent to 7,223.98. Citigroup, Bank of America and JP Morgan Chase all posted stellar numbers this week after releasing positive first quarter reports. Elsewhere, Humana Inc., the second-biggest provider of health insurance in the U.S. rose 7.7 percent, and Merck rose 13 percent off speculation that they would soon be acquired.

The Oracle of Omaha's vision continues to cloud: Today influential financial group Fitch Ratings downgraded Warren Buffett's Berkshire Hathaway fund from a perfect AAA rating down one notch to AA. The downgrade makes official whispers that Buffett may have lost his touch, and that no financier can escape this recession unscathed. According to Forbes, "Fitch cited Berkshire's unhedged market exposures and potential earnings volatility as 'inconsistent with the stability required at the AAA level." Berkshire shares fell 3% in response to the fund's shift in credit rating.

First, President Obama announced he would close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. Now, CNN is reporting that President Obama has cleared the “enemy combatant” designation from Guantanamo Bay detainees. In a court filing, “the Justice Department said it is developing a new standard for the government's authority to hold detainees at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility in Cuba.” The Justice Department will no longer rely on the president’s authority as commander in chief, but on authority granted by Congress.

What, at this point, would be a bigger PR disaster for the GOP than gaffe-machine/RNC Chairman Michael Steele? How about firing Michael Steele? Amidst rumors of Steele’s imminent ousting, the Washington Post’s Chris Cillizza lists five reasons why he will stay, including: “The last thing the party needs now is further chaos at the top”; As the party’s first African American chairman, “Pushing Steele aside just over a month into his tenure would send the exact wrong message about who the Republican Party is and where it's going”; and there aren’t really any better options.

As the former president gears up for the big launch of his "Freedom Institute," AKA presidential library at Southern Methodist University, professors prepare to avoid him like the plague. The library's forebearers have all been, however presidential, bound to the standards of the academic institutions with which they are affiliated. Bush's library, however, will answer only to Bush's foundation. Not to the university. This means that it could be free to advance the agenda that the 43rd president so fruitfully (or frightfully) explored in Iraq, without subjecting itself to the constraints of scholarly rigor or academic inquiry. In other words, just like its creator, the Freedom Institute will never have to admit when it's wrong.

The stimulus is already impacting consumer behavior, according to White House National Economic Council Director Larry Summers. He credits the government intervention with helping to stabilize the drop in consumer spending, a major component of the GDP. "Key credit spreads are already substantially narrower than they were last fall," he said in a speech today at the Brookings Institution in D.C. But he added, "No one can know just when its positive effects will be fully felt."

U.S. markets have been rising for the past few days, but Chinese Prime Minister Wen Jiabao is throwing some water on them: According to The New York Times, he “expressed unusually blunt concern on Friday about the safety of China’s $1 trillion investment in American government debt, the world’s largest such holding, and urged the Obama administration to provide assurances that the securities would maintain their value in the face of a global financial crisis.” In his comments, Wen said, “Of course we are concerned about the safety of our assets. To be honest, I am definitely a little worried.”

It is a truth nationally acknowledged that an aging Supreme Court justice is in want of a president he can trust to choose an ideologically suitable successor. Now that President Obama has made his ideological stances clear, which justice will be the first to take advantage of the newly liberal milieu? Ruth Bader Ginsburg's pancreatic surgery awoke speculation last month, and today she fanned the flames: "Surely we will soon" see a shake up of the court, Ginsburg said during an appearance at New England Law School today. The only female Supreme Court justice, Ginsburg has now overcome two bouts with cancer—of the pancreas and the colon—but she wasn't necessarily talking about herself. David Souter, 69, has expressed a wish to retire in the past. Though Souter was appointed by George H. W. Bush, he often votes with the Court's liberal wing. Meanwhile, the consistently liberal John Paul Stevens is nearing 90. For her part, Ginsburg has said that she would like to match the staying power of Justice Louis Brandeis, who served for more than two decades. (Ginsburg was appointed in 2003.)

With Bernard Madoff in jail, many of his victims have focused their ire on the SEC. But were the victims themselves complicit in the whole affair? “Isn’t the first lesson of personal finance that you should never put all your money with one person or one fund?” Joe Nocera asks at The New York Times. “People did abdicate responsibility — and now, rather than face that fact, many of them are blaming the government for not, in effect, saving them from themselves.”

Tax evaders, take note: According to Reuters, “Switzerland agreed on Friday to relax its strict bank secrecy rules and co-operate more on tax evasion in a last-ditch attempt to fend off a global crackdown on tax havens that is rattling the offshore banking industry.” Switzerland will not drop secrecy altogether, but will comply on a case-by-case basis. Luxembourg and Austria are also easing secrecy standards in order to help other countries catch tax evaders.

A Californian named Tristan Anderson was hit in the head today by a tear gas canister fired by Israeli troops during a protest in the West Bank. "He had a large hole in the front of his head, and his brain was visible," said demonstrator Ulrika Jenson, who witnessed the incident. Anderson is hospitalized near Tel Aviv and in stable but critical condition. Anderson, an activist from Oakland, was with the International Solidarity Movement protesting an Israeli separation barrier in the West Bank village of Maasarah, near Bethlehem. Israel says the barrier is necessary for security, but Palestinians call it an excuse to claim more land. There were, depending on whom you ask, between 200 and 400 protesters, but nearly all dispersed after Anderson was wounded.

The ante has been upped on Russian corruption: According to the BBC, “Andrei Lugovoi, the prime suspect in the murder of Kremlin critic Alexander Litvinenko, is set to run for mayor of the southern Russian city of Sochi.” Litvinenko was poisoned in London in 2006, and the British police want to question Lugovoi. Sochi is scheduled to host the 2014 Winter Olympics.

A Bernard Madoff movie is inevitable, so let’s just ask the question now: Who will play him? James Wolcott floats and dismisses a few possibilities (“Robert Deniro? Too menacing. Richard Gere? Hmmm, maybe…”) before settling on Harris Yulin, the recognizable character actor who does certainly bear a resemblance to the Ponzi schemer. Yulin may be unusual, but “no actor in the Madoff age range would pique Hollywood interest apart from those deities who are decidedly all wrong (Nicholson, Eastwood).” Should they do an “early years” film, then Wolcott suggests Ben Stiller, who can establish his “dramatic chops.”

What’s the new national obsession? Here’s a hint: The New York Times reports “The celebrity Web site TMZ and TV shows like ‘Extra’ and “Inside Edition” are expanding their coverage of starlets and Hollywood break-ups to include billion-dollar business scandals and the economic collapse.” In addition to picking over the Madoff case, the tabloid media has covered stories like a bailed-out bank in California that spent millions on parties and golf tournaments. The mainstream news, meanwhile, has assigned full-time reporters to thinks like “tracking the private jets, lavish junkets and other trappings of what the ABC correspondent Brian Ross calls ‘corporate royalty.’”

The screenwriter of this season's big-budget disappointment, Watchmen, released an open letter begging fans to go see the floundering film. "You have to understand, everyone is watching to see how the film will do in its second week," screenwriter David Hayter explains to fans. "I had a pretty amazing experience the two times I've seen it." The film grossed $55.5 million in its opening weekend, which topped the box office but disappointed expectations for the much-hyped movie. It's predicted to earn only a little more than half that amount this weekend, falling short of the estimated $120 million the film took to create. Watchmen director Zack Snyder's last graphic novel epic, 300, grossed over $70 million in its first weekend at the box office.

Most critics pronounced his first episodes middling at best, but audiences are eagerly lapping up Jimmy Fallon's late night debut. In its first week, the comic's talk show beat all its time-slot competitors—cable and otherwise—and trumped the averages of his predecessor, Conan O'Brien. Nearly 2.4 million viewers watched the SNL alum's first week on the air, which averages out to 21 percent more eyeballs than were focused on Conan's most recent Late Night run. His initial week also posted the best numbers for a talk show premiere in the last decade. But how long will the magic last?

Apparently the White House isn't just full of bailout talk after all. The Washington Times reports that earlier this year the Obamas invited top local magazine editors to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue to discuss how navigating Washington's tony social scene can help their political agenda. The editors—from Capitol File, D.C. magazine, and Washington Life—are now divulging what happened during the meeting. The White House is "identifying taste makers in order to help create grass-roots interest in some of the programs they are working on," said Washington Life's Michael Clements. A White House aide, speaking anonymously, said the meeting was called to discuss how the Obamas can "engage with the community" and that sports, entertainment, and philanthropic representatives were also invited.

Not that there was ever any doubt as to their comedic timing, but in the latest issue of Marie Claire a host of the top female comedians talk shop (in their case, this means telling jokes) and how important attractiveness is in their line of work. A few gems: Margaret Cho says beautiful women can't be funny; Phyllis Diller discusses her less attractive roots ("When I started, I had a broken nose, my teeth were crooked, and I was very skinny. And you know what? It all helped"); and Janeane Garofalo ponders the still-impermeable boys' club: "You only want one woman or one black comedian per show—club owners would actually have the nerve to say that out loud."

Home to both nuclear weapons and major numbers of Al Qaeda and Taliban militants, Pakistan is not the kind of place America wants to see fall into chaos. Now American diplomats are working furiously to broker an end to a standoff between unpopular President Asif Ali Zardari and opposition leader Nawaz Sharif. Tensions between the leaders' coalitions have led to widespread protests and Zardari has upped the ante with mass arrests of opponents and crackdowns on dissent and some observers are concerned that Pakistan's army will retake control of the government should the two leaders fail to reach an agreement soon.

In the second longest Division I game in history, Syracuse defeated UConn in a heart-attack inducing three hours and 46 minutes. The game ended way past most fans' bedtime: 1:22 a.m. The showdown—which went six overtimes—almost ended with a three point buzz beater at the end of regulation, but after much deliberation, the referees waved the shot off. One player said he "could not feel his legs" after playing a total 67 minutes on the court. Now, Syracuse has to work up the energy to play West Virginia this evening. Sports writers are calling the game one for the ages.

Star in a movie that wins eight Oscars, and apparently people will notice you. Slumdog Millionare actress Freida Pinto has been invited to a screen test to be the next Bond girl, The Sun reports. According to an unnamed source, Bond executives noticed Pinto when they were casting The Quantum of Solace, but she was too young to be Bond's love interest. Chanel also invited Pinto to Paris fashion week.

This doesn’t look good: Obama’s new computer chief has taken a leave of absence after the FBI raided his old District of Columbia office and arrested two of his former colleagues on corruption charges. While Vivek Kundra—whom Obama chose to coordinate federal computer systems, was not charged—Yusuf Acar, security chief at the city’s technology office, was ordered held without bond and Sushil Bansal, technology consultant, was released but ordered not to leave the area or conduct overseas financial transactions. Acar, who worked under Kundra, and Bansal are accused of defrauding the government through “a variety of schemes, including billing the city for items that were never delivered and ‘ghost’ contract employees who did not work,” the AP reports.

Less than a month ago they were arm-in-arm at the Oscars. Today, Maniston is no more. Yes, Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have split again after a year of off-and-on dating, People reports. The breakup, reportedly initiated by Mayer, 31, came as Aniston, 40, returned from a promotional tour in Europe—he had stayed behind in LA to “work on his music.” “They had some disagreements and decided to not continue to see each other,” a source tells the magazine. “Jen is moving on with her life like she always does. She seems happy.” Mayer and Aniston previously split in August; at that time, he told the media, “I ended a relationship to be alone because I don’t want to waste somebody’s time if something’s not right.”

A month after the brutal killing of Aasiya Zubair Hassan in a Buffalo suburb, her husband, Muzzammil Hassan, has been indicted for second-degree murder. Aasiya Hassan was beheaded Feb. 12 at the offices of Bridges TV, which the couple had founded in 2004 to counter stereotypes of Muslims. Six days earlier, she had filed for divorce after eight years of marriage, citing domestic violence. Hassan is accused of repeatedly stabbing his wife, 37, and decapitating her. He faces 25 years to life in prison.

Two years after her death, Anna Nicole Smith is still making news. Late Thursday Howard K. Stern—the lawyer and ex-boyfriend of the model and reality TV star, who died of an accidental prescription drug overdose in 2007 in the Bahamas—as well as psychiatrist Kristine Eroshevich and Dr. Sandeep Kapoor, were charged with one count apiece of felony conspiracy to furnish drugs to Smith and prescribing, administering, or dispensing a controlled substance to an addict. Kapoor, whose office was raided by the DEA last month, and Stern were also charged with “a single count of unlawfully prescribing a controlled substance between June 9, 2004, and Sept. 22, 2006, while Stern and Eroshevich were hit with the same charge for prescriptions doled out between June 5, 2004, and Jan. 26, 2007,” E! Online reports. Bail is set for each defendant at $20,000.

The stock market may be in a rally this week, but the recession still stings like no other in generations. In one of the clearest illustrations yet of how badly the bubble has burst, the Federal Reserve released data yesterday documenting an 18 percent loss of wealth in the U.S. last year. The net worth of U.S. households dropped $11 trillion, "a decline in a single year that equals the combined annual output of Germany, Japan and the U.K," the Wall Street Journal reports. The losses represent a regression to economic levels before 2004. From 1990 to 2000, households' wealth doubled, and then went up another 50 percent before 2008, a year that will go down in the history books. And the news only gets worse: net worth has dropped in the first quarter of 2009, too.

The Pentagon is taking a page from the history books, specifically the section about the 1937 Hindenburg disaster. The military announced yesterday that it will spend $400 million on an unmanned blimp with the capability to hover over enemy territory for 10 years. "It is absolutely revolutionary... It is constant surveillance, uninterrupted," said the Air Force's chief scientist of the aircraft, which will serve as both a satellite and a spy plane. The special blimp (hard to see at 65,000 feet in the air) is likely to be deployed over Afghanistan and Pakistan and could be sign of future military tactics.

With potential conflicts of interest at every turn in Washington, White House officials have the Obama administration's Norm Eisen, aka "Mr. No" and "The Fun Sponge," on speed dial. For 16 hours a day, Eisen bounces around White House staffers' offices, toting the massive code of regulations and answering any and all questions about ethics issues. Here is an idea of the how strict they are at the White House right now: according to The Washington Post, Eisen "once spent five minutes during a group presentation discussing the difference between being treated to a bag of large prawns vs. a bag of small shrimp."

Two California federal appeals judges have put Obama in the rough by ruling that same sex partners of federal employees deserve health coverage. If Obama supports the San Francisco court's personnel office in denying health benefits to same sex couples, he'll tick off the liberal groups that put him in office, but if he backs the rulings, he could alienate the Republicans he's trying to reach out to for support. One judge ruled that the denial of benefits, based on the Defense of Marriage Act's definition of "spouse" as exclusively referring to members of the opposite sex, was unconstitutional because it violated the Fifth Amendment guarantee of due process. It's unclear what the White House will do if the judges enforce their orders, although a White House spokesman said, "While the president opposes gay marriage, he supports legislative repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act. "

No, that headline is not a typo. After bottoming out recently at levels unseen since 1997, major stock indexes are up almost 10 percent since Monday. The rally reflects broad optimism over a string of positive economic developments this week that has some questioning if the worst of the crisis might have passed. In particular, positive earnings reports from Bank of America and Citigroup, which have sat at the edge of bankruptcy for much of the last month, bolstered confidence that the financial sector will survive the downturn. Even some less encouraging news wasn't as bad as expected—General Electric's credit rating was downgraded, but not as far down as some predicted. Still, economists are warning that major challenges remain and recovery is still some time away even if the stock market stabilizes.