Let's hope the teabaggers don't attack the messenger: Larry Summers, appearing on Meet the Press today, brought mostly bad news. After a week of positive reports from Wall Street and even President Obama himself, Summers emphasized caution, saying there was "a long road" ahead and that mixed economic statistics did not augur an immediate recovery. Tackling one of Obama's latest targets, credit card abuses, the director of the National Economic Council said: "We need to do things to stop the marketing of credit in ways that addicts people to it." Summers also pooh-poohed a quick lifting of the Cuban embargo, saying that like an economic recovery, it was not something that would happen overnight.

A grim picture from Fortune's annual report: "America's 500 biggest companies earned $98.9 billion in 2008, down 85 percent from $645.2 billion in profits the previous year." It was the worst performance in the 55-year history of the list. A clear indicator of how bad the year was—three of the companies in the top 10 of the Fortune 500 also happen to appear in the top 10 list of the year's biggest losers. When embattled companies like Ford and GM remain at the top of the Fortune 500 list, you know the economy's bad. In its yearly roundup, Fortune puts Exxon Mobil at the top of its list, dethroning Wal-Mart, which had held the the top earner spot for two years. Apparently, lower gas prices failed to slow down the Texas oil giant, which filed earning of $45.2 billion. However, all the Fortune 500 companies have learned some tough lessons.

Hugo Chavez is ready, once again, to deal with the devil. The bombastic president of Venezuela, who has compared the U.S. to Satan on numerous occasions, pledged to restore his ambassador to the U.S. after meeting and shaking hands with Barack Obama. The 2009 Summit of the Americas will likely be remembered for a remarkable change in tone in regards to Latin America, as Obama frankly acknowledged U.S. "heavy-handedness" towards the region, as well as the possibility of an improvement in relations with Cuba. The State Department praised Chavez's decision as "a positive development." One expert told The Washington Post that the former Venezuelan soldier may have been left with little choice, given Obama's popularity abroad. "He can still criticize U.S. policy, but it is much more difficult to criticize Obama the man."

The father of nine-year-old Rubina Ali, one of the impoverished young Mumbai slum dwellers who starred in Slumdog Millionaire, tried to sell his daughter for $300,000. Men posing as representatives for an Arab sheikh (who were in fact reporters from British tabloid News of the World) drew the girl's father, Rafiq Qureshi, into the negotiations. He complained that his family "got nothing out of this film" while his brother noted, "The child is special now. This is not an ordinary child. This is an Oscar child!" News of the World reports that Qureshi's plan to sell his child to the highest bidder was well known among family and friends. His plan to pass her off through an illegal adoption was subject to "a tip-off from a concerned close family friend and former neighbor," writes News of the World, which reports that the sale of impoverished children is not uncommon in Mumbai's slums. The attempt to sell Rubina comes at the tail end of a series of disturbing exploitations of the Slumdog stars, including her male co-star's father reportedly beating him to force him to stay awake to give interviews for money.

It's the international diplomacy's world version of "What if I had a party and nobody came?" After the United States announced it would boycott the United Nations' conference on racism next week, Australia and the Netherlands joined the list of symbolic absentias. Canada, Israel, Italy, and Sweden have also refused to attend based on a meeting agenda that, as the U.S. State Department says, "prejudges key issues that can only be resolved in negotiations between the Israelis and Palestinians." Australia's foreign minister says some of the meeting's foundation is outright "anti-Semitic," and the fact that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad—a Holocaust denier—will be present isn't helping the case. The U.N. high commissioner for human rights is "shocked and deeply disappointed" at the boycott, arguing that those countries taking part are letting "one or two issues to dominate their approach to this issue, allowing them to outweigh the concerns of numerous groups of people that suffer racism and similar forms of intolerance to a pernicious and life-damaging degree on a daily basis all across the world." Stateside, the Congressional Black Congress says it is "deeply dismayed" that America's first black president won't be at the meeting. Among those willing to attend the conference is U.S. ally Great Britain.

We're not used to hearing much from Hong Kong-born Jackie Chan—we usually see him doing crazy stunts in action movies like Rush Hour. But now he's opened his mouth and set off a storm of controversy. Speaking yesterday to business leaders at the innocuous-sounding conference “Tapping into Asia's Creative Industry Potential,” Chan ranged well off topic, The Globe and Mail's Mark MacKinnon reports. Asked about censorship in the film industry, he said: “I'm not sure if it's good to have freedom or not. If you're too free, you're like the way Hong Kong is now. It's very chaotic. Taiwan is also chaotic.” Then came the money quote: “I'm gradually beginning to feel that we Chinese need to be controlled. If we're not being controlled, we'll just do what we want.”

A daring seven-hour chase in the treacherous waters of the Gulf of Aden that began after Somali pirates attacked a Norwegian tanker is over, after the tanker managed to repel the marauders and alerted nearby NATO warships, which gave chase by sea and air, deploying helicopters. The pirates dumped most of their weaponry into the ocean as they made their getaway, bound for Somali waters, but the NATO warships forced them to a halt after firing warning shots. NATO troops then boarded the pirate ship, interrogated the Somalis, and confiscated their remaining weapons. And here's the kicker: Because of national sovereignty issues, the pirates were released.

Big news at the top of the weekend box office: Tween heartthrob Zac Efron has proved he can open a movie that doesn't include the words "high," "school," or "musical." His 17 Again soared to the top of the movie charts with an estimated $24.1 million in earnings. Ben Affleck and Russell Crowe's State of Play exceeded expectations with a $14.1 million debut, good enough for the No. 2 spot, with a whopping 75 percent of its audience (all newspaper lovers, we're sure) over 35. Monsters vs. Aliens held steady with $12.9 million, coming in third; Miley Cyrus' Hannah Montana was a respectable fourth in its second week, with $12.7 million; while Jason Statham's new edition of Crank creaked in at No. 6, with $6.5 million.

Why couldn't President Ahmadinejad have spoken up before Roxana Saberi's case was closed? In a surprising letter to Tehran's prosecutor, the Iranian president has requested the American journalist convicted of spying "be given her legal right to defend herself." The letter comes the day after Saberi's conviction, which was rushed through in a closed-door trial that lasted all of one day. The BBC reports the letter may indicate that hard-liners within Iran hijacked the trial. It is unclear whether Ahmadinejad is referring to a specific injustice in the trial or if he is making a broader statement about fairness in trials receiving international attention.

“It has been quite a week,” says Susan Boyle, the “dowdy singing spinster,” in a Sunday Times profile. Since hitting the Web last weekend, her audition tape for Britain’s Got Talent has garnered more than 25 million views on YouTube. Boyle, in describing herself to The Times, admits to looking “like a garage,” but of her admission that she had never been kissed, she says “Oh, I was just joking around. It was just banter and it has been blown out of all proportion.” Of her audition, she says, “I knew what they were thinking. I saw people laughing and I knew they were laughing at me. But I thought, well, they’ll soon shut up when they hear me sing. And they did.” Over on The Times' opinion page, Minette Marrin describes seeing Boyle sing as “one of the most moving and astonishing things I have seen for months.” The clip of her singing, Marrin writes, “has all the symbolic power of a fairy story. It's a story of transformation...We should be inspired by the surprising Susan Boyle.”

For 109 years, the Florida School for Boys was a Gitmo on the Panhandle. Kids guilty of youthful mistakes went in and came out traumatized or predisposed to a life of crime—or both. Now, long after many of the offenders and victims have died, an investigation is under way to determine whether unmarked graves on the reform school's property belong to adolescents subjected to fatal punishments. Though many administrators of the school deny any brutality, the sheer number of victims claiming abuse lends their story credibility. The school has been closed and a brief ceremony held that through delicate words acknowledged the brutality. But the St. Petersburg Times reports it was little comfort to the survivors, who can never forget the torture they endured while just teenagers.

Sorry, felons and drug users, the Army will no longer hand you a weapon and fly you into a war zone. Now, for the first time since 2004, the Army will meet its standard of 90 percent of recruits with a high school diploma. Only two years ago, there was concern the Army might break down under the strain of repeated deployments and low standards. But thanks to the economy and a safer Iraq, joining the armed forces is not looking so bad. Also, more soldiers are electing to stay in uniform, so the Army has been able to reduce its quota for new trainees. The Pentagon's top recruiting official explained the economy's effect on attracting young men and women: "Those who are last hired tend to be first fired. They would then view the military option more favorably."

In the last month, a familiar face has begun appearing on television. The last time we saw him, it was a year ago, during the now legendary press conference that marked one of the most precipitous falls from grace in American political history. Now former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer is slowly getting back in front of the cameras and voicing his opinion on the economic issues of the day; issues he is eminently qualified to address. But as Newsweek reports in its cover story this week, Spitzer has a long way to go on the road to redemption, and it may be even more difficult than the hard-charging lawyer may realize. Americans tend to "forget but does not forgive" fallen politicians—with the exception of Bill Clinton—the magazine reports. Still, Spitzer is reordering his life, and man who once dedicated himself to cleaning up New York politics is now more focused on cleaning up his family life (and making the occasional appearance on Morning Joe).

Among the starting revelations from the release of the Bush-era torture memos: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the supposed mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, was waterboarded 183 times in March 2003. According to the memos, a terror suspect was potentially subject to two two hour sessions every day, each with six actual waterboardings of between 10 and 40 seconds. Another suspect, Abu Zabayadh, was waterboarded 83 times in a single month.

On Wednesday, South Africans head to the polls to vote in the country's most closely contested election in the post-Apartheid era, and Jacob Zuma, the candidate favored to win the presidency, just got a big boost with an endorsement from Nelson Mandela. The living legend, too frail to stand or speak at length, made a rare appearance at the final major rally before the polls open—but made an impact through his mere presence. His recorded statement, played on stadium TV screens, sparked a tremendous celebration among supporters of Zuma, a former revolutionary who has emerged as the likely winner of the election despite accusations of rape and corruption. His fans see him as a uniter that will organize their African National Congress Party, while critics fear he will be a strongman who'll undermine South Africa's new democracy.

Hard to believe, but the last time Congress passed major environmental reform was nearly 20 years ago, when the scourge of acid rain sent the country into a panic. Now, with the EPA having clearly defined global warming as a threat and Democratic majorities in both the House and Senate, it would appear that significant reforms are once again on the way. Congress could begin hearings this week on climate-change legislation. The bill, if passed, "could revolutionize how the country produces and uses energy," and actually reduce the amount of pollution created by the U.S. The Obama administration is so determined to begin combating global warming that they have made it clear they interpret old laws in a way that will still force new regulations on vehicles and industry should the bill fail. Many in D.C. are guardedly optimistic about the chances for substantial change. One expert told the Associated Press, "For the first time ever, we have got the political actors all aligned. That is not enough to get a law passed, but that is a huge start. We haven't been close to that before."

In a simple decision to skip a meeting, the Obama administration has made several powerful statements on its positions on Israel, international race relations, and diplomacy. The State Department announced Saturday that, "with regret," it will be boycotting the United Nations' conference on racism next week due to fears that the meeting's pre-established agenda will unfairly damage Israel and free speech. The meeting's text contains implied support for speech restrictions and the findings of the 2001 World Conference Against Racism—a conference that Israeli and American envoys walked out on to protest an attempt to liken Zionism to racism. Obama's administration's boycott of the U.N. meeting signals that it will stick to the Bush administration's ideological foothold when it comes to race relations and Israel. American officials were reportedly considering attending the conference until the announcement that Iran's Holocaust-denying president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, would attend. Though the U.N. boycott is likely to please pro-Israel and Jewish groups in the U.S., human rights organizations and members of the Congressional Black Caucus urged the U.S. to attend and will likely be disappointed.

An elegant retreat to the Hamptons went sour for Madonna yesterday, as she fell ingloriously to the ground while riding a horse. As one would expect, once she hit the ground, more than 10 people rushed to her side to tend to the fallen diva. After a brief stay at the hospital, the Material Mom emerged, looking a little worse for wear but uninjured. This is not the first equestrian mishap for the star, who cracked ribs and broke a collarbone in 2005 under similar circumstances. Her ex-husband, Guy Ritchie, supposedly got on her bad side during the incident by not showing enough concern.

Another incident to add to the growing list of recent shootings: A man in Middletown, Maryland killed his wife and three children before shooting himself late last week. Christopher Alan Wood left behind five notes, including an apology to family members, suggesting psychiatric illness. The victims suffered gunshot wounds and “traumatic cuts.” The bodies were discovered by the children’s grandfather.

Need a primer on Obamanomics? Richard W. Stevenson writes in The New York Times that “His goals include diminishing the consumerism that has long been the main source of growth in the United States, and encouraging more savings and investment. He would redistribute wealth toward the middle class and make the rest of the world less dependent on the American market for its prosperity. And he would seek a consensus recognizing that an activist government is an acceptable and necessary partner for a stable, market-based economy. … If more activist government is the most controversial aspect of his long-term approach, the most ambitious might be his aspiration to reduce the degree to which the United States is a consumer-driven economy. … [W]e are, after all, fundamentally a consumer society.”

At a summit of South American leaders in Trinidad today, President Obama asked his fellow world leaders to avoid blaming the US for their woes — and in return, got a book from Venezuela's firebrand president, Hugo Chavez, called Open Veins of Latin America: Five Centuries of Pillage of a Continent. Though Obama expressed a desire to loosen America's embargo and strict policies on Cuba, he noted that the change will take time, and implored his audience of democratically-elected leaders to consider Cuba's tyrannical leadership. Obama aides say their boss is seeking to "turn the page" on US-Latin American relations by being mindful of history and open to the future. On the policy side, American representatives met with Colombia's president and finance minister to work on the pending US-Colombia free-trade agreement that Obama opposes due to Colombia's dicey record on labor. As for Obama's interactions with Chavez, The Wall Street Journal notes that the socialist leader "railed against the US just days ago but seems to be reveling in interacting with Mr. Obama at the summit." The gift book—a Latin American history penned by famed Uruguayan writer Eduardo Galeano—was inscribed by Chavez: "For Obama, with warm regards." But will Obama read it? Probably not, say aides: The book is in Spanish, which Obama is not known to read in.

Some candidness from John Goodman in a profile in The New York Times: “I don’t know how much the old Jackie Daniels franchise ruined my memory, which is going anyway, because of my advancing decrepitude. I had a 30-year run, and at the end I didn’t care about anything. I was just fed up with myself. I didn’t even want to be an actor anymore.” Having starred in films as Babe Ruth, Fred Flinstone, and, of course, Walter in The Big Lebowski (which he says is his favorite part), Goodman is now acting in his first theatrical role in four years as Pozzo in Waiting for Godot. “Pozzo is one of those fortunate roles. It’s not quite actor-proof, but it’s been playing so well. The house is listening. The language is beautiful. You just have to trust it — a lot more than I trust myself.”