Copulaters, start your engines. In Saturday's essay in The Wall Street Journal, author Jonathan V. Last makes the case that the nation's dropping 1.6 fertility rate (it's 1.54 in China, where there's a strict one child policy) is America's biggest problem. "Once a country's fertility rate falls consistently below replacement, its age profile begins to shift. You get more old people than young people," Last writes. "And eventually, as the bloated cohort of old people dies off, population begins to contract." Last argues that contrary to popular belief, growing populations actually lead to "increased growth and conservation."

The story of the American woman missing in Istanbul took a dark turn Saturday when Turkish authorities confirmed her dead. Sarai Sierra's body was discovered near an ancient city wall in a low-income area where she appeared to have been the victim of a stabbing. Nine people have already been arrested in connection with her death, according to a Turkish news agency. The 33-year-old Staten Island-native had been vacationing alone when she went missing. In security footage obtained by police, she's seen walking around a mall on January 20—one day before she was scheduled to fly home. She leaves behind a husband and two kids.

A member of a leftist group is behind the suicide bombing at a U.S. Embassy that killed a security guard on Friday. The Turkish government says DNA tests confirmed Saturday that Ecevit Sanli, a member of the leftist Revolutionary People's Liberation Army-Front, was behind the attack. The group has accused the United States of using Turkey as its "slave," and claimed responsibility for the attack on its webstie saying "Murderer America! You will not run away from people's rage." Turkey is an important U.S. ally, and one of the leading advocates for intervention in the war in Syria. 

There has been much hand-wringing about Iran’s possible nuclear program of late, and it looks like it’s about to come to a head. At a conference in Munich on Saturday, Vice President Biden announced that the nation is facing “the most robust sanctions in history” to keep its uranium-enrichment effort from developing nuclear weapons. Iran defends the program as a peaceful effort. But there’s a way out: Biden further announced that if the country is “serious,” the United States would be open to bilateral negotiations, saying that “the ball is in the government of Iran’s court.” Hopefully it will stay in play.

The Egyptian government has condemned a newly-ubiquitous video showing police brutally beating a naked protestor outside the presidential palace. Broadcast live on television, the video shows a 50-year-old protestor in Cairo stripped, savagely beaten, and then thrown into a van. Running on the Internet, the clip is  fueling criticism of current President Morsi’s handling of Interior Ministry reform. Morsi’s office called the video “shocking”, claiming violence and vandalism of government property are “not to be tolerated.” Unfortunately, he’s not known for keeping promises. After a week-long string of violence in Egypt, his signed agreement to act “firmly” to end the violence is proving null.

Hang in there chilly willys, spring is fast approaching. The frigid weather is about to come to an end, if you believe in the psychic weather powers of a rodent. Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog from Gobbler’s Knob, Pennsylvania, emerged from his cozy home before 20,000 people on Saturday morning to perform his yearly duty: find his shadow. After close consultation with the “seer of seers”, Bill Deeley, president of Phil’s “Inner Circle,” announced that the fuzzy sage had not seen his shadow and winter would soon come to an end. Good riddance.

Police continued negotiations on Friday night with an Alabama man who has taken a young boy hostage in an underground bunker. The autistic kindergarten student was taken at random from his school bus on Tuesday when the kidnapper shot and killed the bus’s driver. The kidnapper, a Vietnam veteran and survival enthusiast, then took the boy to a bunker he built himself. Although he has agreed to let in medication for the boy, nothing and no one has emerged from underground. The kidnapper was expected in court on Wednesday on charges of menacing a neighbor.

In the spirit of “liberté, égalité, fraternité”, the French National Assembly approved an important article in a gay-marriage bill on Saturday, putting it well on its way to passing in full. The Assembly voted 249-97 in favor of redefining marriage as an agreement between two people rather than between a man and a woman. The proposal has been controversial, inspiring protests, counter-protests, and speeches in the months leading up to the vote. But according to a recent poll in France, those opposed to the bill are in the minority, with upwards of 55 percent of French people claiming they support gay marriage.

The Taliban struck an army checkpoint in Northwest Pakistan on Saturday morning, killing 13 soldiers and 10 civilians and wounding another eight. The assault lasted several hours and additionally killed 12 of the attacking militants, some of whom were allegedly suicide bombers. Taking credit for the attack, the Pakistani Taliban claimed it was in retaliation for a U.S. drone strike that killed two commanders in January. The group is angry with the government of Pakistan for cooperating in such operations, which it has occasionally privately sanctioned. However, the government more often openly criticizes such attacks. Between 25 and 30 militants were involved in Saturday’s assault.

It's probably safe to say Frank Ocean is the bigger man in this situation. Despite earlier reports that the singer would be pressing charges after Chris Brown allegedly punched him in a recording studio, Ocean said Saturday he will not be pursuing a case against the famously aggressive Brown. “As a child I thought if someone jumped me it would result in me murdering or mutilating a man,” Ocean wrote in a post on his Tumblr page. “But as a man I am not a killer. I’m an artist and a modern person. I’ll choose sanity. No criminal charges. No civil lawsuit. Forgiveness, albeit difficult, is wisdom. Peace, albeit trite, is what I want in my short life. Peace.”

Animals: 1, Zoophiles: 0. The German Parliament’s upper house voted on Friday to criminalize bestiality for the first time in the country’s history. Individuals who are caught “using an animal for personal sexual activities” can now be fined up to $34,000. Although the bill was passed in the lower house back in December, it faced many debates to get where it is today. The bill, really an amendment to an animal-abuse law already in place, was stuck between zoophiles and animal rights advocates, with little discussion of sexual appropriateness. The compromise? The crime is only a misdemeanor.

You woof at the Super Bowl? This one woofs back. While all eyes are on the Ravens and 49ers, one group is gearing up for a different Sunday event: Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl. Puppy Bowl IX, whose last iteration drew in 8.7 million viewers, will feature a total of 63 puppies playing with chew toys. Don’t worry, there’s still some competition: touchdowns are scored any time a chew toy is brought into the end zone, and penalty flags will be thrown for “unnecessary cuteness.” Color commentary will be provided by Meep the tweeting bird and six hamster sports reporters. A whopping 21 kittens will perform in the halftime show, and those bored with the game can check out nine hedgehog cheerleaders on the sidelines. Who needs a Super Bowl?

The NRA is not impressed. The White House released a photo of President Obama skeet shooting on Saturday, in an effort to quiet skeptics who claim the"skeet shooting" hobby he brought up in an interview with the New Republic was feigned. The National Rifle Association, who has voiced strong opposition to Obama's stricter gun legislation, immediately knocked the photo. "One picture does not erase a lifetime of supporting every gun ban and every gun-control scheme imaginable," an NRA spokesman said. The president allegedly picked up the hobby of shooting clay pigeons at Camp David. Cue the media freak-out, who conjectured the comments might have been an appeal to the right. But you know what they say: a picture is worth a thousand eyerolls. 

John Kerry’s official swearing in as secretary of state on Friday came with a surprising twist: contrary to previous reports, Kerry—not U.S. Ambassador Susan Rice—might have been Obama’s first choice for the position. Earlier today, The Boston Globe reported that Kerry was tapped for the job before Rice withdrew herself from the running. “He called me and said, ‘You’re my choice. I want you to do this,’” The Globe quoted him as saying.  While the White House has declined to comment, Kerry has since said that his comment to The Boston Globe was “overly casual,” and that Obama didn’t formerly offer him the job until after Rice withdrew her candidacy.

At this point, maybe it’s just best to stay offline for a while? Following a string of hacking announcements from several media companies this week, Twitter announced Friday that its security system has also been breached, exposing up to 250,000 of its users’ data. In a blog post, the company’s director of information security said his team had “discovered one live attack and were able to shut it down in process moments later,” but that the “extremely sophisticated” hackers may have had access to usernames, email addresses, and even potentially passwords. Even more alarming, Twitter doesn’t think the attack was an isolated incident.

Sasha and Malia’s little Bo has got big shoes to fill. Barney, the former First Dog and White House resident, died on Friday in Texas. The Scottish terrier, who was president of the pups during George W. Bush’s time in the Oval Office, was over twelve years old and suffered from lymphoma. “He never discussed politics and was always a faithful friend,” Bush said in a statement on Friday. The dog was known for his decorum around the White House and enthusiastic yet polite reception of heads of state.