Perhaps only if you want to emulate James’s titillating NSFW prose, which includes the passages like: “'Why don’t you like to be touched?’ I whisper, staring up into soft gray eyes. ‘Because I’m fifty shades of fucked up, Anastasia’” and “He’s my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle. I suck harder and harder … Hmm … My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.” Scratch that: these are actually more cringe-worthy than arousing.

For better or for worse, the mommy porn trend is here to stay, thanks to 50 Shades of Grey: Inner Goddess. Hopefully, this erotic how-to guide will inspire aspiring authors to compose steamy stories that are actually well-written. 

The line wasn’t received with quite as many hysterical shrieks as some of the cheaper laughs, like the site of a portly Christian in a spandex leotard. But the appeal of the show was pure, unadulterated humor—and it had the packed audience at Manhattan’s Gramercy Theater guffawing and sputtering for an entire 90 minutes. Not surprisingly, it seemed to have attracted the same predominantly female demographic that has gotten off on James’s smut. Jen Reichart, 29, read about the musical in the New York Post and decided to make a night of it with her friend, who admitted the book was “the first erotica novel I ever read.”

So for those who thought the world had Fifty Shades fatigue, clearly there are still plenty of bright young minds embracing feather ticklers, gag balls, and fisting jokes. And they haven’t even seen the movie yet.

Contrary to a USA Today claim that they’ll be rewriting the first 150 pages, students will instead be asked to rewrite one of the introductory chapters, before Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey consummate their relationship, with an aim to improving it. "That's a useful skill in almost any job. Someone who has just graduated will be tasked with editing and proofreading and reviewing over and over again for their superiors in the office," claimed Woods, who said most of the class's students are enrolled in the school or communications or are studying sexuality.

This is not AU's first foray into teaching about pop culture, and Woods said she has received support from colleagues and no opposition from within the university. "They teach a class on The Wire, they teach a class looking at vampires in history and literature incorporating the Twilight series. American Studies recognizes what's driving American culture and how to study that critically."

This is backed up by other universities’ curricula. Brown University sociology professor Carrie Spearin included Fifty Shades of Grey, along with Foucault’s The History of Sexuality and Mary Roach's science journalism tome Bonk, in her required reading for fall 2012 course “Human Sexuality in a Social Context.” Macalester College’s American Studies department offers “Hunger Games: Map and Mirror for the 21st Century,” while the University of Delaware’s English department features “Fighting the Future From The Hunger Games to The Matrix: The Dystopian Tradition in the 21st Century.” Even reality-TV shows such as The Apprentice and Survivor are fodder for the modern college student. I fondly recall taking classes like “How to Read The New York Times” and one on female detectives while attending the University of California at Berkeley. “I love when people incorporate social media and pop culture,” said Woods, “because that’s how the field is ever evolving. It makes academia more relevant; you want something that resonates with students and inspires them to think in different ways.”

With Fifty Shades being cited as a corollary to real-life news stories related to BDSM, such as one in The Telegraph about an Italian woman suing her husband for physical abuse and stalking, despite signing a “slave” contract, while the husband “argues that she signed the pact entirely of her own volition and that their activities were always consensual,” the book’s themes seem especially relevant.

4. Introduced youths to a brave, new, bondage-loving world.

5. In protest of spanking bottoms, members of a British Domestic Abuse charity used the book to wipe their own bums.

6. Created a cooking class, complete with playroom pretzel ropes and bondage wrapped shrimp. Julia Child would be so proud.

7. Gave White House staffers something to read other than memos on the fiscal cliff.

“Lots of people are clamoring for the fourth book in the trilogy,” she quipped. But James remained tight-lipped on the subject of the forthcoming film adaptation, politely refusing to answer the host’s relentless questions about her casting preferences, not to mention how the book’s x-rated content translate in ratings on the silver screen. “We haven’t discussed that yet,” James said nonchalantly. She remains completely overwhelmed by the meteoric success of the Fifty Shades trilogy, and admits that speaking in front of large crowds at press gatherings and other fancy occasions is still a bit nerve-wracking.

For all the critical hand-wringing over her trilogy, James couldn’t be more thrilled with the success of her books and the fact that they're getting many women who don’t usually read to pick up not one book, but three. “[These books] are really my fantasy. And the wonderful thing about this is that they seem to be other people’s fantasies as well. So I’m not such a pervert after all.”

In addition to selling books, Barnes & Noble sells electronics (i.e., the Nook e-reader), and electronic content (e-books that can be read on the Nook). Overall, revenues from sales of e-readers, e-reader accessories, and digital content were $192 million, which the company described as “essentially flat as compared to last year.” But sales of digital content—books, magazines, newspapers, and apps—jumped 46 percent in the quarter. Translation: electronic devices are a low-margin business in which prices continually fall while electronic content is a growth area.

Indeed, revenues from the sale of the Nook declined. The company pointed out that its new backlit edition of the Nook, the GlowLight, had “production scaling issues ... resulting in unmet demand.” Which is to say that Barnes & Noble wasn’t ready to produce as many of the e-readers as its customers wanted. Losses in the Nook division increased by $6 million from last year’s quarter for two reasons: Barnes & Noble simultaneously cut the price of Nooks while pouring more money into what it hopes will be a profit center in the future.

The earnings report contained one other piece of good news for shareholders. To date, e-books and readers have mostly been an American phenomenon. Of course, the vast majority of people around the world interested in reading reside outside our borders. The company announced that sales of the Nook and e-books will commence in Britain in October. In a few months millions of London commuters will be able to read about the Red Room of Pain on a Barnes & Noble device without their Tube-bound companions noticing.

Other publishers are trying to capitalize on the Grey phenomenon. Atria has published erotica for years, but now it is repackaging books by established authors to fit the Fifty Shades niche. Z-Rated, an upcoming title from a New York Times bestselling erotica author who goes only by Zane, is pushing its XXX factor with the tagline “No shades of grey, just red hot.” And last week, Penguin Group’s Plume reprinted Anne Rice’s erotic Sleeping Beauty trilogy, originally published under a pseudonym, with a cover blurb that promises Fifty Shades fans will love Rice’s naughty 1980s twist on the classic fairy tale.

We’re just beginning to see the effect of Fifty Shades on the industry, as writers and agents work to produce Shades spin-offs and genre crossovers. To wit: Penguin’s Gotham imprint recently picked up British journalist Sophie Morgan’s The Diary of a Submissive, a memoir by a “real-life Anastasia,” the Fifty Shades heroine.

“I’m excited to see the spillover effect this wave will have,” says Philip Budnick, editorial director of Plume. “Will we now see a mainstream demand for gay erotica, African-American erotica? Will other authors who don’t usually write erotica want to try it out? We are exploring all options.”

2. Lace
By Shirley Conran

A huge novel that was turned into a Warner Brothers mini-series. Lili went from porno princess to Hollywood star, and now she has mommy-issues: she wants to know which of four women she’s summoned to her New York hotel is her mother, because she’d like to destroy her. Let the over-the-top theatrics begin.

Naughty Bit:

Kate, who never knew whether to swallow, spit or dribble, tasted the oddly pungent, acrid almond odor. “What do men like?” she timidly asked Tom later.

Silence, then he said, “Naturally, I can’t speak for the rest of my sex, but when borne on summits of delights such as I have just experienced, I neither know nor care.”

Finally, a book for the mother who wants something a little more adventurous in bed than breakfast. Watch a very special Saturday Night Live Mother’s Day moment, brought to you by your friend E.L. James.

Jimmy Fallon’s Love Songs Will Tie You Up Inside

Readers of Fifty Shades of Grey, have shame no more! Come out from behind your Kindles, and sing your love of Christian Grey from the rooftops. In fact, sing it in the form of these Jimmy Fallon-commissioned karaoke slow-jams, which, with names like ‘Hot Chocolate Brownie Sex’ and ‘I Found the Baby Oil,’ are sure to get you all hot and bothered (or at the very least laughing).

The surveyed librarians weighed in with a wide range of opinions of the novel: a “psychological extravaganza rather than a work of fictional art,” “literary ‘jazz,’ intriguing for sophisticated half-morons,” “well-nigh unreadable in its entirety,” and “decidedly overrated.” Though he had not read Ulysses, Gilbert H. Doane of the University of Nebraska Library questioned its “value as literature” on the basis that he had “never been convinced that Mr. Joyce knows how to write in English.” Louis Shores at Fisk University was among the relatively few librarians who offered an unequivocal statement of Ulysses’s importance to literary history as “an essential text we feel handicapped at not being able to supply.” Edward Bergin, librarian at the University of Detroit, did not complete the survey but wrote in at the bottom, “I, for one, wish to raise a voice in the name of decency to deprecate the marketing of filth,” making his counter-assessment of Ulysses quite clear.

At Ernst’s behest, Random House mailed questionnaires across the country, in major cities and small towns. Ernst even sought to find out how Ulysses might play in Peoria (not well, if the returned survey is any indication). There are some predictable responses from smaller communities, including one from a librarian in Clarksburg, W.V., clearly unfamiliar with Joyce’s work, who explained, “Homer is not much read except by students as ‘required reading.’” Collectively, though, the responses challenge geographical assumptions about the Midwest, the South, small towns, and small-mindedness. Alberta Caille, the librarian at Carnegie Free Public Library in Sioux Falls, S.D., believed that the novel had literary value and was “rather outstanding in its psychological contribution.” Her peers in Omaha, Neb., and Amarillo, Texas, concurred. Ethel McNeely of the North Dakota Agricultural College argued that the “[b]ook deserves unrestricted circulation as a contribution to literature.” Others agreed with Bella Steuernagel of the Belleville (Illinois) Public Library who felt “very emphatically, that [Ulysses] has no place in a public library.”

Many librarians, both public and university, believed that only readers of a certain type could extract the appropriate meaning from it and that most interest in Ulysses was prurient. The librarian at the Los Angeles Public Library turned to its copy of the book to prove her point, it “is practically in tact except the last hundred pages which are very badly worn.” Given this concern about “proper” reading, many librarians advocated restricting circulation. Duke University’s librarian believed that his library “ought to have a copy, but that the copy should be kept on locked shelves and its circulation supervised.” The librarian in Pottsville, Pa., lamented her role as “gate-keeper,” noting “that I get mortally weary of keeping the clever from being rude to the good and I wish that booksellers would continue to be the fellows that have to chaperone Ulysses.” Theodore W. Koch at Northwestern University kept his copy locked in his desk, noting he doubted “whether [the] administration would approve of its being made available.”

Librarians in 1932 were just as aware of their constituencies and boards as those attempting to address the Fifty Shades of Grey controversy today. The librarian at the Riverside Public Library (California), who reported interest from “army officers and men of leisure,” believed that “our book committee would refuse to purchase because of the reputation of the book.” And at the State Teachers College in Warrensburg, Mo., the librarian noted, “We have many old women of both sexes in our town who are always ready to find fault with our books.” In a statement that sounds as if it might have been written yesterday, the chief librarian at the Brooklyn Public Library summarized his plight this way, “You are aware, of course, of the difficulties encountered by public libraries which attempt to stock something out of the ordinary. The readers who are often best able to judge have a habit of saying nothing, while others may be very much more outspoken in condemnation both of the book and of the library.”

The success of James’s books presents a challenge for Harlequin. Now, talented amateurs—raised on Harlequin paperbacks—are able to put out their own content without the need of a middleman, whether online or through new services that offer tools and advice for aspirant writers. While more than 1,200 authors have been published under the Harlequin imprint, the company has received submissions from thousands more. If those would-be authors see James as a model for success, one can imagine them spurning the submission process altogether.

Courtney Milan did exactly that. In 2011, after publishing four historical romance books and a novella with Harlequin, she decided not to renew her contract with the company. “I ran the math, and it didn’t really make sense for me to keep working with them,” says Milan. “If you put your stuff online, you get 70 percent of the proceeds, and Harlequin was only offering me 8 percent of the digital price.” (Harlequin has denied the figure of 8 percent, but refused to reveal their number. According to a number of writers, Harlequin has since increased this percentage.) Milan says that with fewer places carrying mass-market paperbacks—Walmart has cut down on its orders, and Borders went out of business—the digital revenue was crucial. Milan is now taking time off from her day job to focus on writing, something that she says wasn’t an option while she was on contract with a publisher.

While this type of situation is common throughout the industry, it is particularly noticeable in romance. “Self-publishing lends itself really well to genre fiction,” says Amanda Hocking, who became the first superstar of the self-publishing movement when her paranormal young adult novels became bestsellers on Amazon. “People read romance books quickly, so it’s appealing to have these books available cheaper. And it gives the writer more opportunities to push the envelope.”

The amount of sexuality in a Harlequin ranges from the chaste Christian fables in their “Love Inspired” line, to the much more explicit “Harlequin Temptation” books, which have more of the shirtless-pool-boy-in-lust plots that have become fodder for parody. But the appeal of Harlequins is more than just vicarious sex. The protagonist of every book Harlequin puts out has to pass an editorial smell test as being “realistic.” “The reader needs to feel like she would have made the same decisions as the character, no matter how far out the scenario is,” says Susan Litman, who edits novels for the publisher. Litman believes it’s that aspect of the novels that has brought readers back to Harlequin for more than six decades.

Christian handcuffs Anastasia, warns “I’m going to f--k you till you scream” (and she does—“loudly”).
“Without taking his eyes off me, he gets up from the bed and gathers both sets of handcuffs. He grasps my left leg and snaps one cuff around my ankle. Oh! … ‘Now hug your knees.’ My left hand is tied to my left ankle, my right hand to my right leg. ‘Now, I’m going to f--k you till you scream.’

He groans loudly and thrusts deep, again and again, over and over, and I am lost, trying to absorb the pleasure. I detonate around him, again and again, round and round, screaming loudly as my orgasm rips me apart, scorching through me like a wildfire, consuming everything.” (Pages 30, 36)

Anastasia shaves ... down there! Then Christian touches her up.
“‘Well, what have we here?’ Christian plants a kiss where, until this morning, I had pubic hair ... ’I think you missed a bit,’ he mutters and tugs gently, right underneath ... With a gentleness that surprises me, he runs the razor over my sensitive flesh ... ‘There—that’s more like it ...’ He grins wickedly and slowly eases a finger inside me.” (49, 50, 51)

Spoiler alert: the Twilight-y love story escalates in 50 Shades Darker, but the author hasn’t lost her touch when it comes to writing about sex in gory detail. Below, the most “Jamesian” passages from the second book in her Grey series.

Anastasia’s still scared of Christian’s ‘Red Room of Pain,’ but she wants his ‘kinky fuckery.’

“‘Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?’” My mouth drops open.