It Must Be Stopped!

Excessive Tooth Whitening Is Freaking Us Out.

David Kohl/AP

David Kohl/AP

Joe Biden

Biden’s radioactive enamel is all the more shocking for the size of the teeth it’s attached to. His grin, which appeared often and abruptly at the vice presidential debate, outshone even former beauty queen Sarah Palin’s.

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George Hamilton

Though it’s relatively novel as a widespread trend, movie stars have bleached their teeth for years. Reviewing 1981’s Zorro, the Gay Blade, New York Times film critic Vincent Canby observed that George Hamilton teeth’s were “of a whiteness that suggested they were manufactured in Dresden.”

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Chuck Norris

Whitening is standard for virtually all celebrities, even tough guys like Chuck Norris, whose ultra-bright chompers became blog fodder earlier this year when the action star spent a lot of time smiling in ads for Mike Huckabee.

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Hilary Duff

“The whole internet hates Hilary Duff’s teeth” declared a commenter on GoodPlasticSurgery. Duff’s dice-sized veneers became such a joke that in November 2006 she had them reduced in size.

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Jerry Orbach

When Jerry Orbach died in 2004, many of the major news organizations ran this photo with his obituary. Some fans fretted that the ultra-white farewell would mar his hard-boiled legacy.

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Britney Spears' Son

Last year, Britney Spears, who herself has had her smile professionally brightened, allegedly tried to get her 22-month-old son’s teeth whitened as well. “He’s been having dental problems because Britney just shoves a bottle of juice in his mouth all the time to stop him from crying,” a family insider told Us Weekly. The dentist refused to perform the procedure, citing the child’s young age.

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Elliott Yamin

Dubbed "snaggletooth" for his brownish crossbite, American Idol’s Elliot Yamin later overcompensated with 50,000 dollars worth of ultra-white veneers installed in a painful 20-hour procedure.

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X Factor Contestants

Simon Cowell, who has reportedly spent thousands on veneers for his own nicotine-stained teeth, ordered all twelve finalists on the British reality show X Factor to have their teeth laser-whitened.

Dogs

Dog treats like White Bites are marketed much the same way as whitening toothpaste for people. They’re infused with Arm and Hammer baking soda and other digestible “agents that aid in tooth brightening.”

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Lou Dobbs

Lou Dobbs’ teeth are the subject of occasional online debate, but the jury is still out on whether they’ve actually been worked on, or are just naturally terrifying.