Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day Gift Guide for Naughty Moms (Photos)

Gifts are easy if your mom’s a gem. But what if she’s a bankrupt porn star or an infamous homewrecker?

Mother’s Day gifts are easy to come by if your mom’s a gem. But what if the mom you’re shopping for is a bankrupt porn star, an infamous homewrecker, or (gasp!) Snooki? The Daily Beast finds the perfect gifts for less-than-perfect moms.

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The Octomom

Let’s hope she has a roof over her head on Mother’s Day. Despite her budding career in the porn industry, “Octomom” Nadya Suleman filed for bankruptcy last week and may be evicted from her home in La Habra, Calif. But Suleman has insisted that she and her 14 children won’t be homeless, and that if they’re evicted they’ll move into a friend’s house. What to get Octomom during these hard times? She could use a check for the million bucks that she reportedly owes creditors, or a house in the event that she loses her current one. But you don’t have to break the bank: a lucky $1 MegaMillions lottery ticket might just solve all her problems.

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The ‘Tanning Mom’

New Jersey “Tanning Mom” Patricia Krentcil has been banned from more than 60 tanning salons in the tri-state region, accused of bringing her 6-year-old daughter with her in the past and sending her to school with such a severe sun burn that teachers called the police. Krentcil, whose skin tone is freakishly dark from spending excess amounts of time around UV light bulbs, has insisted she would “never put my daughter in a tanning booth” and that she got sunburned outdoors, though her daughter told police she’d been to the tanning salon with mommy. Perhaps if Krentcil was given a free, lifetime supply of tanning lotion on Mother’s Day, she’d be less inclined to go back to the bed—and could even rub a little on her daughter from time to time without endangering the girl’s health.

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The Rielle Hunter

John Edwards’s infamous former mistress and baby mama Rielle Hunter may not have known just how much damage her affair with the former presidential candidate would cause, but now she’s got some major karmic penance to pay. If your mom has a lot of wrongs to right, give her a jump start with the International Rescue Committee Mother’s Day card. Your $24 donation will help mothers around the world have safe deliveries in regions where hospitals have been destroyed.

The Courtney Love

It’s not the first time Courtney Love has lashed out at her estranged daughter, 19-year-old Francis Bean Cobain, on Twitter, but she recently went so overboard that Francis suggested the social media company ban her as a user. Love went on a tweeting rampage accusing 43-year-old former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl of seducing Francis, calling him a “gross old man” and bizarrely concluding that he’s always “had that Romney rape thing about him.” Following her daughter’s reaction, Love tweeted a more coherent apology: “Bean, I’m sorry I believed the gossip. Mommy loves you.” We all know Love enjoys the sauce, which has likely fueled some of these late-night Twitter fits. But they could be avoided with the help of NIMBY (No Intoxicated Messaging By You), an iPhone application that forces users to complete a series of tests before attempting to tweet. If the user is too drunk to pass the tests, the app won’t send the tweet. Love could also make good use of Last Night Never Happened, an app that deletes all embarrassing tweets in one fell swoop.

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The Dina Lohan

Dina Lohan has been through hard times. Her ex-husband’s a criminal, her once adorable daughter Lindsay is now a celebrity train wreck, and Liv Tyler’s mother called her out for being a bad parent. Seriously, this woman deserves a break, or at the very least a little “mommy porn.” Yes, we’re talking about 50 Shades of Grey, the phenomenal erotic novel that middle-aged moms can’t get enough of. Maybe it will inspire Dina to help get Lindsay’s acting career back on track: Universal Pictures is still shopping for someone to star as the BDSM-loving Anastasia in their film adaptation of the book. ; Amazon

The ‘Toddlers and Tiaras’ Mom

Pageant moms are so proud of their baton-twirling, provocatively-dressed daughters and will do anything to help them win—and feel great while doing it! June Shannon, the mother of 6-year-old pageant star Alana on TLC’s Toddlers and Tiaras, regularly gives her daughter “go-go-juice”—a caffeinated concoction of Mountain Dew and Red Bull—to help her stay energized throughout long competitions. On one episode, little Alana proclaims, “My special juice is going to help me win.” What do you get a pageant mom who fuels her 6-year-old’s caffeine addiction and brainwashes her into thinking it will help her “win”? It’s a bit dark, but pageant dad John Ramsey’s book, The Other Side of Suffering, might shed some light on the many risks and downsides of putting her daughter on public display at a young age.

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The ‘Hot Dog Hooker’ Mom

Pity the four children of “Hot Dog Hooker” Catherine Scalia, 45, who earned the nickname after she was arrested for selling sex in addition to hot dogs at her road-side stand in Long Island, N.Y. She pleaded guilty to prostitution charges, was released from prison on bail, and has plans to go back to business as a hot dog stripper. After getting out of jail, Scalia told reporters she’d be “selling my hot dogs in my bikini top at the Pep Boys” the next day. If she’s going to strip, a pole in her hot dog truck might help her up her game. Portable poles aren’t cheap, but maybe one of her loyal customers will splurge in exchange for free dogs and a special dance.

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The Snooki

She’s not officially a mom yet, but the pregnant Jersey Shore star is already blabbing about how right she is for the role. “I’m loving, caring, sensitive, protective, and very maternal, no matter what people might think,” she told V magazine. Speaking of being a protective mama, Snooki recently tweeted a picture of her pregnant self holding up a fist with the caption, “Preggers power. Ill cut a bitch if you mess w my baby!” We wouldn’t put it past her. All she really needs is a leopard-printed rattle to keep her preoccupied until the baby comes out. 

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The Vogue ‘Diet Mom’

Did your mom put you on a strict diet when you were seven years old, like Vogue contributor Dara-Lynn Weiss did with her daughter? Deprive you of meals as a punishment for overeating, mostly because she was obsessed with her own body image? She probably would love to read Weiss’s forthcoming book about the whole experience, which “epitomizes the modern parenting ‘damned if you do/damned if you don’t’ predicament,” according to her publisher. But she’d do better to read about a different approach to dealing with weighty mother-daughter issues in Mom, I Feel Fat: Becoming Your Daughter’s Ally in Developing a Healthy Body Image.

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The Michele Bachmann

Now that Michele Bachmann’s presidential campaign has ended, the Tea Party darling has more time to spend with her five children, when she’s not messing around with her citizenship and harping on about President Obama ruining women’s lives. Family comes first for Bachmann, who proudly announced last year that she “breastfed every single one” of her babies after Mrs. Obama spoke about the health benefits of breastfeeding in her “Let’s Move” campaign. But Bachmann viewed the first lady’s efforts to encourage breastfeeding as part of her larger plan to implement a “nanny state.” We think Time magazine’s latest issue would make the perfect Mother’s Day gift for the Minnesota congresswoman. Not only would it be a trip down memory lane, but it might also make her realize that breastfeeding is more of a cultural issue than a political one.

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The Bristol Palin

Bristol Palin, 21, may soon be more famous than her own mother. She’s written a book, Danced with the Stars, and will soon have her own Lifetime reality TV show, Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp (clever title). After getting knocked up when she was 17, Bristol has since sworn off sex until marriage and denied rumors that she’s living with her new boyfriend, Gino Paoletti. So while we may not see their relationship unravel a la Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, Bristol could take notes on behavioral etiquette and relationships on reality television from a Newlyweds DVD set. The series starred Jessica Simpson as a dumb blonde and then-hubbie Nick Lachey as a man who couldn’t stand his wife. Needless to say, the show ended as their marriage was crumbling. 

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