Happy Hour

Must Drink TV: Prime Time’s Biggest Drunks

Who imbibed the most this week: Cougar Town, How I Met Your Mother, or the Bad Girls Club in Miami? The answers will surprise you. Kara Cutruzzula is keeping tabs on the boozehounds.


Episode 7: Winesday, November 3
Total Drinks: 4
Biggest Lush: Impossible to choose!
Signature Drinks: Rolling Stones' Forty Licks Merlot

Best Bon Mot:
Kathie Lee: "Should we say why all this wine is sitting here?" Hoda: "What a shock."

Drunkest Moment: Barely any sips this week, those teases.

On their standard Winesday, Kathie Lee and Hoda were surrounded by four Wines that Rock, a portion of which are donated to the T.J. Martell Foundation benefiting leukemia, cancer, and AIDS research. Alright, so they're boozing for a cause. Admirable! Except Joel McHale showed up Thursday and teased the hosts for their constant intoxication. He cracked open a bottle of Macallan scotch and goaded them into tasting it. Hoda called it "vile." Bollocks. We know she liked it.


Episode 7: "The Crazy Bitch Gazette"
Total Drinks: 5
Biggest Lush: Good Time Charlie
Signature Drinks: Whatever's on hand

Best Bon Mot:
Charlie: "On the list of things I expect to kill me, mercury poisoning ranks well below liver failure."

Drunkest Moment: Only alluded to, but Alan says "the last time [Charlie] was on the beach, he fell off the deck. Wasn't his fault…he was drunk."

Charlie and Alan's mom has white wine at lunch. Like mother, like son. Mr. Sheen's alter-ego claims he'd rather be a lush than a leech. He tries to ply his date Michelle with red wine, but their moonlight rendezvous is interrupted by his stalker. Proof this is fiction: no one would actually stalk the real-life Charlie. And unlike last week, Alan leaves him comfort zone (iced tea) and picks up a beer. Hallelujah.


Episode 7: "Home"
Total Drinks: 7 ½
Biggest Lush: None—an even playing field in AC
Signature Drinks: Nothin' but whiskey and wine

Best Bon Mot: Jimmy's ex-fiancée cavorts with another woman in bed: "More Chianti?" She replies, "You're sweeter than wine."

Drunkest Moment: Nucky's (Steve Buscemi) father pours a dirty cup of brown stuff, then falls down and breaks his leg.

What's happening to our favorite Prohibition-flaunters? Boardwalk Empire, supposedly one of the booziest shows on the telly, is getting drier by the week. Nucky still knocks back a few and opens up to his mistress Margaret. Jimmy takes new guy/ Phantom of the Opera double Richard Harrow out for two bourbons (and a trip to a courtesan). It was a slow-burning episode with more back-story than sucking down. Maybe next time.


Episode 5: "Hot Mama's Day"
Total Drinks: 14
Biggest Lush: NeNe "My Wine Glass Never" Leakes
Signature Drinks: Champagne with strawberries

Best Bon Mot: NeNe to plastic surgeon: "Can I drink some wine? I need a glass of wine really bad." Doc: "OK."

Drunkest Moment: She didn't drink, yet Kandi still shared this charming advice: "You wet your finger, you stick it in the sugar, you put it in your vajayjay and it makes it sticky."

Drunklanta is back in business now that matriarch NeNe got the OK from her doctor to start drinking again. All the white wine at Cynthia's house for Mother's Day brunch clouded the housewives' judgment—it took a while for them to notice NeNe's newly contoured nose. Sheree brought a nice bottle of red to her date with Tiy-E, and was horrified when that contribution wasn't enough—he wanted help cooking dinner. She still takes off his shirt. And the househusbands lead abstemious lives compared to their women.


Episode 6: "An Ideal Husband"
Total Drinks: 16
Biggest Lush: Bourbon-drinking Kevin nicknames a waiter "Rob Roy"
Signature Drinks: Whatever's served at Scotty's restaurant

Best Bon Mot:
Nora: "Sarah for God's sake, it's not even noon yet!" Sarah: "…It's rosé. Let's call it brunch."

Drunkest Moment: In a flashback, Kevin's husband Scotty drinks with a douchey cater-waiter, then has sex with him. O dios mio!

The Walker clan is a boozy bunch. A drunken one-night stand threatens Kevin & Scott's rock-solid marriage. It also impairs judgment: Kevin punches the wrong man after going off on a bourbon binge and Justin (who's sober) manages to knock out the right guy. Innocent bystander Kitty sips a martini. But look, cause for celebration! Sarah and her sexy Frenchman (Gilles Marini) get engaged and they all celebrate with a bottle of bubbly.


Episode 7: "Fooled Again (I Don't Like It)"
Total Drinks: 19 (one drink less than last week's stellar showing)
Biggest Lush: Jules (Courteney Cox) and Ellie (Christa Miller)
Signature Drinks: Enough red wine to make them walk Sideways

Best Bon Mot:
Jules: "I want to know…who finished the wine without opening another bottle?"

Drunkest Moment: Bobby drinks beer, then fills his lungs with water from a neti pot

At least they're consistent. Last week, Jules and her gang opened the episode with empty bottles of wine and this week's installment was nearly identical. At least there was a special occasion for popping the cork—Jules was turning 40. (Fact-check time: Courteney Cox should thank the scriptwriters; she's actually 46.) For her party, Jules can only come up with "wine and cake" as her must-haves. And friends, of course.


Episode 7: "Canning Randy"
Total Drinks: 20
Biggest Lush: Barney Stinson didn't have a plotline, but did have plenty of drinks
Signature Drinks: Scotch, wine, Wharmpess

Best Bon Mot:
Randy: "At the risk of bragging, my hazelnut pilsner won fourth prize at the Weehawken Retirement Home Clambake and Wheelchair Maintenance Picnic."

Drunkest Moment: Robin gets hammered enough to consider sleeping with Will Forte-as-Randy-in-a-lobster-costume, but instead shoots a commercial for adult diapers, which is the only thing more embarrassing than going under the sea with a crustacean.

It's unsurprising there was a lot of liquor flowing on HIMYM this week. One of the main plotlines was about the inept Randy, who was grateful to be fired by Marshall because he could fulfill the dream of every boy in your college history class by opening up his own microbrewery. His brand is called Wharmpess. Wharm…pess. Get it? Meanwhile, ladies' man Barney had some Glenfiddich and popped open Champagne, the ladies sipped white wine, and Ted and Marshall threw back beers, including frothy, tasty mugs of Wharmpess.


Episode 12: "The Wicked Witch of Key West"
Total Drinks: 30
Biggest Lush: Sex fiend/party animal Christina
Signature Drinks: Beverages in red cups

Best Bon Mot:
Christina: "Me and Kristen want a mojitoooooo."

Drunkest Moment: Former BFFs Lea and "cracked out Barbie" Kristen come to blows. Hair-pulling, open-fisted blows.

The very thirsty bad girls drank Four Loko on the way down to Key West, where they spent the entire episode inebriated. Here is their story: "I mean, we're bad girls. We drink a lot….Let's chug these. Chug chug chug….Let's do shots!....Bitches….I know it's gonna be a lot of hot guys and a lotta good drinks….Let's gow git a dwink, aight?....Why did you guys rip my thong off?....I'm from Miami, I'll f--- you up….Lea threw a fan at your head....Goodbye, bitch."