Happy Hour

Must Drink TV: Primetime’s Biggest Drunks

Modern Family’s group got sloshed, Kathie Lee and Hoda sipped martinis, and Charlie Sheen’s alter-ego couldn’t see straight. Kara Cutruzzula is keeping tabs on the boozehounds.

TWO AND A HALF MEN

Episode 9: "A Good Time in Central Africa"
Total Drinks: 2
Biggest Lush: Charlie gets the honor for the fourth week in a row
Signature Drinks: Whatever's in the cocktail shaker

Best Bon Mot:
Alan to Esmeralda (in Spanish): "My brother is a drunken bum who has most likely urinated in his trousers."

Drunkest Moment: Again, Charlie opens the episode three sheets to the wind and gets suckered into opening his wallet to his housekeeper and nephew.

Charlie's figured out how to game our system—he does most of his consuming off-screen. He shuffles around, already intoxicated before a scene even begins, drinking what looks like vodka on the rocks. (Surprising! Scotch is typically his drink of choice.) After a few failed tries at making a cocktail, he finally succeeds, then passes out wearing a goofy helmet Alan put on his head. Hilarious! Charlie's so drunk he sleeps with a plastic dome on his head!

Shelter

KATHIE LEE & HODA

Episode: Winesday, November 17
Total Drinks: 5
Biggest Lush: Our ladies tied this week during a Very Special Sex-Themed Episode
Signature Drinks: Pseudo-pomegranate martinis

Best Bon Mot:
Kathie Lee: "Well, we have this sex wine."

Drunkest Moment: She hadn't had a drink yet, but the typically frigid Kathie Lee said "I personally think there's already too much sex in this world, but that's just me."

Welcome to Kathie Lee and Hoda's "Sex Show." No, it wasn't as cringeworthy as it sounds. It was horrifying. In between checking out candy thongs and talking about 65 different positions in the bedroom, the morning-show hosts indulged in "sex wine" at the top of the hour. The rosé, a M. Lawrence Sex Sparkling Mist, met their approval. (Pssst, at under $15 a bottle, it makes for a cheap and easy date.) Later in the show, Aussie chef Curtis Stone cooked up a storm and they all sipped "pomegranate" martinis with vodka and a squeeze of lemon—minus the pomegranate juice. Curtis substituted cherry juice; Kathie Lee noticed the difference. She so would.

MODERN FAMILY

Episode 8: "Manny Get Your Gun"
Total Drinks: 7
Biggest Lush: Jay, by a nose
Signature Drinks: They exclusively drank red

Best Bon Mot:
Cam to Mitchell: "You cheated! You cheated on me with choreography and that is the worst kind."

Drunkest Moment: Jay calmly sipped a glass of red while Gloria went on a mad search for her keys.

A newcomer in the Must Drink TV race, Modern Family proves the old belief that the family that drinks together, stays together. Ye olde patriach of the family had a glass before his stepson Manny's birthday dinner—maybe he was feeling his age or trying to calm down while his wife blamed him for her lost keys—then had another during dinner. Cam and Mitchell fought, Manny had a mini-life crisis over missing his childhood, and Claire and Phil nearly crashed their cars trying to race to the restaurant. And yet, all the tiffs were solved with a little vino and surprisingly wise words from the young birthday boy.

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA

Episode 7: "She Can Dance?"
Total Drinks: 9
Biggest Lush: New bride-to-be Cynthia
Signature Drinks: Moet & Chandon Champagne

Best Bon Mot:
Kim to a dancing lineman: "You could bounce a quarter off that ass."

Drunkest Moment: Cynthia didn't seem to have her wits about her during Peter's proposal. Blame Moet?

Mazel tov, Atlantans! Cynthia and Peter became engaged on their third anniversary. After decorating her friends' apartment for the occasion, NeNe relaxed with a cocktail and the couple toasted to their future happiness—and a giant engagement ring. Later, Cynthia, her sister and mother drank Champagne while wedding dress shopping, which could explain them blubbering over taffeta. Sheree warmed up for her Dancing Stars of Atlanta competition with a glass of red. The rest of the gang sipped white during Sheree's dance performance that managed to surpass Bristol Palin levels of stiffness.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

Episode 9: "Glitter"
Total Drinks: 15
Biggest Lush: Robin & Barney
Signature Drinks: Beer, Scotch, white wine

Best Bon Mot:
Barney: "Robin, did you know boutonnière is French for ‘booty is near?'"

Drunkest Moment: Probably when Ted and Barney spit out their beers while watching Robin Sparkles' turn on the Canadian kids' show Space Teens

We learned some valuable lessons this week: 1) HIMYM can still be ridiculously funny, 2) Robin starred on a subliminally raunchy show where she sung about her pet beaver, and 3) The best Canadian bar in New York is the Hoser Hut. As always, Lily was throwing back white wine, Robin mixed it up with beer and red to erase the painful memories of her teen stardom, and Barney drank beer and Scotch while putting up an impassioned defense of wearing suits and boutonnières. The episode ended at the Hoser Hut with our thirtysomething heroes holding forth into the night, steins in hand.

COUGAR TOWN

Episode 8: "Little Girl Blues"
Total Drinks: 18
Biggest Lush: Jules, who was coping with her son dating a hot, blond 23-year-old
Signature Drinks: Goblets upon goblets of unidentified red wine

Best Bon Mot:
Travis' girlfriend Kirsten: "I think I'll have some breakfast wine."

Drunkest Moment: Jules downs half a bottle after her son chooses dinner with Kirsten over "mom time"

It's only right that Jules took the crown this week. She was strapped into an emotional rollercoaster after Travis brought home his grad student girlfriend and made up for it by pairing red wine with breakfast, lunch, and dinner. When klutzy Kirsten shatters "Big Joe," the huge chalice that holds an entire bottle and gets Jules through the day, we nearly witnessed a sitcom murder. (Watch Jules' special moments with Big Joe and her slow-motion dive to save him here.) Luckily, a new best friend named Big Carl turns up at the end and Courteney Cox's alter-ego can remain sloshed another day.