The Married Male Mind

Are men really commitmentphobes?  Do they ever get enough sex?  What makes them fall for a particular woman, and why do some stray?  Journalist Neil Chethik sets out to answer these questions for perplexed females everywhere in: "VoiceMale—What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework and Commitment" ( Simon & Shuster ).

In a national survey of nearly 300 American husbands and in-depth interviews with 70 men in all stages of marriage, Chethik explores what makes them happy and what frustrates them.  The encouraging news:  93 percent of all husbands he spoke to said that they'd marry the same woman again given the chance.  But while 82 percent are satisfied with their sex lives, Chethik reports that men are sometimes "astounded by how long women can go without thinking about sex."

Chethik: 'Men learn how to be husbands from watching their fathers be husbands'

NEWSWEEK's Susanna Schrobsdorff spoke with Neil Chethik about why men rate "positivity" highest among attractive female personality traits, what they really want for Valentine's Day (hint: it's not chocolate) and how the division of housework directly affects a couple's sex life.  Excerpts:

NEWSWEEK: What do men want for Valentine's Day?

Neil Chethik: They want no Valentine's Day. They would love it if Valentine's Day just went away. Men feel a lot of pressure on Valentine's Day. Our culture says: "What did he do for you for Valentine's Day?"  It's kind of a status symbol.  In general though, what they want is not another tie or gadget. They would like their wives to initiate romance.  They like it when their wives will actually think about sex, and even plan it. It doesn't have to be that night, but if she gave him a certificate for one night where she'll lock the bedroom door and take over, men would be pleased with that.  It's not so much the sex itself, but the interest in sex.

Are married men unhappy with the amount of sex they get?

Not usually, but sometimes men will wait out a woman and say to themselves, I wonder how long it will be before she'll initiate sex?  And men are astounded by how long women can go without thinking about sex, and women are astounded by how long men can go without thinking about housecleaning.  For a woman, the atmosphere in the home is part of what makes her feel good and sexy.  And for a man, the communication that's going on sexually is part of what makes him feel he's in a happy place. And it's not only sex. Almost every level of happiness, and positiveness in relationships is related to housework.

So housecleaning and happiness are related?

In writing the book, I kept seeing the parallel between housework and sex in the interviews. Men said the happier their wives were in the division of housework, the happier the men were with their sex lives.  We even looked at the numbers and found that there's more sex in the relationship if the wife is happy with the division of housework.  It doesn't have to be exactly equal, the wife just has to think it's fair. When a woman comes in she notices if it's a mess, it's often socialized in [her] that [she is] more responsible for the look of the home So if he can recognize that by doing a fair share, then he is often rewarded with sex. She's not as angry, or  burdened and she's not as tired.

Does that mean men should give  their wives a full housecleaning for Valentine's Day?

Yes! It wasn't till I did this book that I recognized that it's not just the doing of the housework that's a burden to women, it's the worrying about the housecleaning that is a burden. Finally I agreed to hire someone to help clean our house, and it had a direct effect on our sex life.

What makes men decide to get married?

Men are different than women because we shy away from the pure romantic. There's a practical side for them beyond chemistry. One man in my book looked at it in terms of a spreadsheet—costs on one side and the benefits on the other. We look at pros and cons and what kind of partnership we would have with this woman. Because of sports, we're schooled in how to be a teammate, how to communicate without necessarily using words, how to work for common goals. If we can meet a person who we think will be on our side, we're very attracted to her. Most men, contrary to our image as commitmentphobic, are interested in finding that person who is a partner, friend and lover through life.

Which personality traits appeal most to men?

What really attracts men beyond that first blush of physical attraction, is someone who is temperamentally positive, enthusiastic adventurous. We recognize that women often set the emotional tone of the home. If she's exciting and upbeat, then we're going to be in that kind of sphere. If she's negative, critical and unhappy then we're going to be in that kind sphere. The other thing is self-confidence. Men [who] are looking for women might know they're not [ranked] a 10, but that they have many "10" qualities and they emphasize those qualities. We men know we're not 10s most of the time either. We understand the need to look for what is beautiful about this person.

Women are sometimes unhappy with the way men express emotion.  What do men say about that?

[When] I'd ask men how they express love to their wives, they say: "I'll fill up her gas tank when it's low. I get her car washed."  And the women say: "Well that's not what I really want." There's an expression gap between the way men want to say it, and the way women want to hear it.  Women could open up to the way the man might be expressing his love.  A lot of men will say they don't love their jobs, but they work because they want their family to have a nice home and refuge.  At lot of times women will say: "What have you done for the family lately?"  The men will think, "What do you think I did all day for the family?"  I don't think it's intentional on either side.

You found that in terms of marriage, a man's relationship to his father was more important to the success of a marriage than his relationship to his mother. Why is that? 

We tend to think that how a man relates to his mother should give you an idea of how he will treat his wife. But there was no connection between the relationship with his mother and the relationship with his wife. Men don't learn how to be husbands by the relationship with their mothers. Men learn how to be husbands from watching their fathers be husbands and by how they relate to their sons. If you look at men who have been abandoned by their fathers, they often have good relationships with their mothers, but they don't know how to relate to women and their wives.

You also asked men why they had affairs—if they did. What did they say?

Most men admitted that it didn't have much to do with their wives or whether they were getting enough sex. It was mostly due to their own struggle with commitment and the tradeoffs that come with marriage. Most men are able to overcome the tendency to want to be with other women—they fantasize [and] sometimes flirt, but the vast majority don't take the next step—they decided that their relationship was more important than the temporary satisfaction they might get.

What most surprised you most in doing these interviews?

One thing that strikes me was that 60 percent of men said that their wives had changed them in a significant way and 90 percent said that it was a change for the better.  I would agree with the statement that you don't go into a relationship expecting to change a man. But, men recognize that marriage is life-changing, and they usually like their wives enough to be changed by her. Men don't want to be criticized or nagged or complained to, they want to be accepted, but once they feel accepted, they are willing to change.