Humor Column: Sully Sucks! From Hero to Heel, Says PETA

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals announced today that it is suing hero pilot Chelsey “Sully” Sullenberger for the murder of 17 birds fatally injured in the crash of U.S. Airways Flight 1549 last month.

“For this man to be hailed as a so-called hero is an abomination,” said PETA spokesman Jan Mathers. “Do you think Kate Couric would be fawning all over Sullengerger if he'd sucked 17 Golden Retriever puppies into the engines of his precious airplane?”

Sullenberger has been cheered around the world for landing the Airbus A320 on the Hudson River, thus saving the lives of all 155 people onboard, including the co-pilot and a male flight attendant, who were both locked in the business class bathroom at the time of the incident.

But Mathers says that Sullenberger should be arrested immediately for failing to avoid the two flocks of birds that he hit. (FAA officials announced last week that they had found the mutilated remains of several Canadian geese in the port engine and the beaks of “at least four” Staten Island pigeons embedded in the turbine on the starboard engine.)

“We have proof that Sullenberger deliberately hit those poor birds,” Mathers said. “If you listen closely to the cockpit-voice recorder, you will hear his whispering, “’Hot damn--after 28 years I’m finally going to get to go down one of those bitchin’ evacuation slides!”

Sullenberger was attending the Grammy Awards and various Oscar lunches and could not be reached for comment. But his Beverly Hills spokesman, Tiffany Amber, vehemently denied that her client had sabotaged his own flight, though she did confirm that Sullenberger has a history of erratic takeoff patterns from all three New York area airports. “Ever since he was dive-bombed by a flock of pigeons in Central Park in 1997, Sully has vowed to mow down as many of those rats with wings as he could find,” Amber said. “But he has nothing by the greatest respect for Canadian geese. Some of his best friends are Canadian."

Shares of U.S. Airways Group, the parent company of U.S. Airways, plunged $1.25 to $.03 on news that Sullenberger had planned to quit flying in order to devote more time to his singing career, developing his new line of swimwear and filling in for Jeff Probst next season as the host of “Survivor.”

The airline has ordered Sullenberger back to work effective immediately and has asked the federal government to assign an extra air marshall to all his flights in order to keep Sullenberger from leaving the cockpit at any time (though he will be allowed to stand in the doorway to wave hello and buh-bye to the passengers).

The Airline Pilots Association has agreed to wave the rule granting pilots one bathroom break every three hours. “He’s a flight risk, and we simply cannot chance losing him at this time. The economy of the entire airline industry depends on Sully now,” said union president Buzz Mifflin, adding,. “If that lady astronaut can drive from Houston to Orlando without stopping to change her diaper, we’re confident than Sully will be able to make it, too.”