Five Moves DeLay Won't Use on 'Dancing With the Stars'

Surprise is perhaps the mildest way to describe the reaction to Jake Tapper’s Monday morning scoop: former Republican majority leader Tom DeLay will join the cast of Dancing With the Stars (DWTS). It’s not unusual for politicians to seek a second life after politics, a reinvention. Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush, and Al Gore have found success as international defenders of the poor, the displaced, and the planet. Mike Huckabee has a television show, as does Joe Scarborough. But none of them left office shrouded in such a dark cloud as DeLay, who is still awaiting trial on charges of violating campaign-finance laws. So before DeLay transforms into a warm, fuzzy reality-TV star, we thought we’d take a quick trip down memory lane. In all those years busting heads in Congress, DeLay surely picked up a few skills to help him survive the dog-eat-dog world of reality TV. But here are five moves that he won’t be able to use on the dance floor.

1. Redistrict to get more votes. To win DWTS, Tom DeLay will need every vote he can get. It is, after all, a democracy of sorts. But, unfortunately for DeLay, this electorate isn't easily gerrymandered. Back in the early years of this decade, Delay’s fingerprints were all over a controversial redistricting of his home state, Texas, which drew an electoral map more favorable to Republicans. The plan ended up before the Supreme Court, where one of the newly drawn districts was invalidated.

2. Quit if it looks like he won’t win. It’s hard to forget DeLay’s swift political demise amid the Jack Abramoff scandal. After a Texas grand jury indicted him on charges of evading election law through illegal fundraising in 2005, DeLay’s political future looked shaky. Due for reelection in 2006, Delay won the Republican primary but pulled out before the general election. “He just decided that the numbers and the whole political climate were against him, and that it was time to step aside,” a congressional aide told The New York Times. Quitting when the odds are stacked against you may save your political hide, but it doesn’t make for good reality TV.

3. Return to his "Hot Tub Tom" days. Before the Republican congressman became a poster child for traditional values, he had some pretty wild times. In his biography he admitted that while serving in the Texas House, he was a big drinker, knocking back eight to 12 martinis a night, and cheated on his wife. He earned the nickname "Hot Tub Tom." But excessive drinking doesn’t mix well with serious dance moves, like quicksteps, fox trots, and pasodobles, especially for beginner dancers. If he wants to succeed as a dancer, he’d best let his partying days continue to rest in peace.

4. Compare children to apes. After the Columbine massacre, DeLay caused an furor by linking the teaching of evolution with sociopathic behavior. “Our school systems teach our children that they are nothing but glorified apes who have evolutionized out of some primordial mud,” he said. Those sort of comments won’t go down well with a family oriented show like DWTS. In the past, the show has performed well with in the children and teen demographics, and they’re not likely to text in their votes for you if you’ve just insulted them.

5. Outfundraise the competition. If there’s one thing that DeLay was good at, it was raising money. His PAC was highly successful, but as evidenced by his indictment, his methods were a little murky. In one of his shadier episodes, DeLay was linked to the U.S. Family Network─an advocacy group that allegedly accepted a $1 million check from Russian oil and gas executives, who The Washington Post reported were hoping to influence DeLay’s vote on a financial bailout for the Russian economy. A knack for raising money and buying ads won’t help DeLay with those fickle DWTS voters though. Digging up the dirt on his opponents isn’t a surefire strategy, either─it’ll just sell more entertainment mags. DeLay will have to win their votes the old-fashioned way: talent, charm, and star power.