Newsverse: Things That Go Splash in the Night

 By Jerry Adler

Federal authorities on Monday presented a $78.5 million plan intended to block Asian carp, a hungry, huge, nonnative fish, from invading the Great Lakes. —The New York Times, Feb. 9, 2010

Late that evening, half-awake
I dreamed a vast and frozen lake
Whose chartless depths and silent stills
A perfect hiding place would make
For terrorists with fins and gills.

You can’t build a fence in water
They’ll swim right across the border
Flouting Cheney’s fondest wish
Abandon hope for law and order
You can’t waterboard a fish.

And they’re known for never talking.
Stone-coldblooded killers stalking
All who dare that icy plunge.
Soon we’ll just see dead fish walking:
Walleyes, pike, and muskellunge.

We might need a Great Lakes bailout
Everybody, get your pail out!
We’re at war with Asian carp.
If you catch one, pull its tail out
Think of it as aqua-TARP.

Freedom always needs defending
The battle’s hard and never-ending
And enemies must pay the cost
Here’s the message that we’re sending:
We’ll serve you fried and tartar-sauced.