Is Mark Sanford Crazy in Love, or Just Crazy? We Call in Professional Help

By Rebecca Shabad

Is South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford OK? We get that things are a little tense, but he is not handling this well. First, he skips town, next he invents a hike on the Appalachian Trail, then it's an “exotic” trip to Buenos Aires. Now we learn Maria Chapur wasn’t the only one he “crossed the lines” with. His whirlwind of discombobulated statements leaves us a little concerned.

NEWSWEEK's Rebecca Shabad chatted with Dr. Mira Kirshenbaum, the clinical director of the Chestnut Hill Institute in Boston and author of When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships. Kirshenbaum has never treated Sanford in a professional capacity, so is only basing her responses on years of experience and what she's seen of Sanford on TV and read in the news. Excerpts:

In a recent AP interview, Governor Sanford said, "This was a whole lot more than a simple affair; this was a love story. A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day." Is he nuts, in love, or is he really just a narcissist?
He’s probably nuts, but only in the sense that right now, he’s very emotional, and very confused, and in a panic, which is what all the people in his situation feel. Based on my clinical experience, he may very well think he loves this Maria and may very well want to fall back in love with his wife. It sounds like a complete contradiction, like gibberish. But that is the way people feel. They flip-flop from moment to moment. It really is a kind of insanity.

Sanford is in the 50 percentile of people who are more … I think I’ll just say self-involved; I don’t want to label him. Most politicians are on the narcissistic side of the spectrum. I would guess Sanford is someone who did not get as much affection and love in his marriage as he wanted and he was very, very hungry for it.

If Sanford came into your office, what would you tell him?
"You really, really have to stop and think. Acknowledging your guilt is a good step, but saving a marriage needs a lot more. It needs two people who want to be together. First, you have to stop contact with Maria." He has to regret-proof his decision. And for a certain amount of time, he has to do everything possible, including going to a therapist, including listening to Jenny and doing whatever she needs.

Why would the highest-ranking politician in a state concoct such an unbelievable, bizarre excuse for being absent?
Guys like Sanford got to where they are by doing things that no one thought was possible. You wouldn’t believe the stupid things the smartest men and women in the world have done in the name of love. Things happen in our lives much more often because we’re confused and stupid rather than because it’s what our unconscious really wants. He doesn’t know what he’s doing and why.

At the same time, he seemed to understand that what he was doing was wrong. He was obviously out of touch, especially not being there for his sons on Father’s Day.
I don’t know enough about him to really say, but I do know that he broke three important rules that you should never, ever break:

First, you should never change your story. Once your spouse has found you out, your only good option is to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. He made the mistake most people in his situation make. They want to dial back their guilt and culpability so they make things sound better than they were and inevitably more details come out.

Second, you should decide who you want to be with and decide fast. Marriages do and can survive this kind of betrayal.

And third, do all of this in private.

Have you ever seen someone act in such uneven ways while pursuing an affair?
All the time. Most of these cheaters are good people who are in way over their head.

Was the crying during the original news conference genuine or was he begging for sympathy?
Both, maybe? I don’t know. I don’t know him. I don’t judge people. I just assume he’s doing the best he knows how, he doesn’t know what to do, and he’s just making a bigger and bigger mess. 

Do you think he could have kept this secret?
People like Sanford just don’t confess to having an affair because you think that you’ll make yourself feel better or you think that you’ll make your marriage stronger. They think that they’re going to get it off their chest, they think everything is going to be better, but it just makes things worse.

What do you think was really going through his mind?
I’m guessing that he was in a panic and he didn’t have great advisers, they didn’t know what to do. No one knows how to do damage control in a situation like this. He really messed up royally.