Joan Rivers has cornered the red carpet when it comes to ruthless, sharp-as-glass appraisals—and will return to the air on Jan. 24 for a new season of her WE TV show, Joan and Melissa: Joan Knows Best. So who better to weigh in on the potentially disastrous arena that is festive gift giving than Hollywood’s throatiest opinion-pusher? We invited Rivers to team up with daughter Melissa (who’s now the editor of the daily-deal aggregating site Shoparatti), for a holiday gift guide to satisfy even the most fickle of recipients. Naturally, the exercise elicited its share of “don’ts.” “I once received this beautiful Cartier frame from these people I barely know,” Joan told us. “It had a big picture of the whole family—all of whom are beyond ugly, and not my family.” Bring on the Festival of Lights.