Must Drink TV

Primetime’s Biggest Drunks

Kathie Lee and Hoda want their wine to go, ‘Gossip Girl’s Chuck is refilling his whiskey decanter, and one show shockingly got sober. Kara Cutruzzula is keeping tabs on the boozehounds.

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA
Photo Illustration

Episode 10: "Auto-Tuned-Up"
Total Drinks: 0
Biggest Lush: No one. Not a single sip.
Signature Drinks: Water, Starbucks, and Coke

Best Bon Mot:
Tie between Sheree: "So when I walked into that room and saw all of those [talent] agents, I literally wanted to crap my pants" and Phaedra's husband, Apollo, to their new son: "You dookied on Mommy."

Drunkest Moment: Phaedra, from next week's preview: "I know you had a few questions about my baby and whether it was an alien. It's my uterus, it's my business."

Remember last week, when I said the Housewives never disappoint? Well, they've shaped up and there wasn't a drop of alcohol on the show. They became noticeably less interesting, more easily instigated, and boring. (Does the same hold true for all recovering alcoholics?) Instead of a little nip here and there, the Atlantans focused on their careers. Kim spent time in the recording studio and debuted her new don't-call-her-a-girlfriend Tracy Young, along with a new love of coffee. Cynthia, who's now a Coke drinker, took flak from Peter for talking on the phone. "When I get home from work, I want your undivided attention." Shame she didn't have a glass of white—that comment deserved a drink in the face. And Kandi and Sheree raced their Mercedes and Aston Martin against each other. I've never been more disappointed to see someone not get a DUI.

KATHIE LEE & HODA
Photo Illustration

Episode: Winesday, December 8
Total Drinks: 3
Biggest Lush: Hoda, who tried eggnog to warm up in the chilly studios
Signature Drinks: Vino Solo

Best Bon Mot:
"That drink should get you through the flight to Florida."

Drunkest Moment: Our hosts weren't drunk, but still tried on Kapelli, the freakishly strange "hidden ear muffs for women."

Are you ready for this? I don't think you are. Maybe I'll tell you anyway… it is the holidays, everyone could use some cheering up. But you might go overboard. OK, all right, fine—the biggest discovery in oenology, recently shared to the world through the Today show is is… Vino Solo. This premium "on-the-go" wine features an all-in-one bottle, cap, and cup, perfect for those who want to upgrade from Franzia but are too nervous to commit to grownup wine glasses. Kathie Lee and Hoda pimped the Chardonnay and Merlot varieties for the low price of $38.25 a case. Dionysus would be proud. Later, the editorial director of Billboard stopped by with some eggnog and holiday cheer for Hoda. Kathie Lee slummed it outside with the plebes.

GOSSIP GIRL
Photo Illustration

Episode 11: "The Townie"
Total Drinks: 7
Biggest Lush: Lily, whose shady dealings were finally exposed
Signature Drinks: Whiskey, Champagne, beer pong

Best Bon Mot:
Blair: "Gossip Girl? She's not a Ouija board, Humphrey."

Drunkest Moment: There was a nice flashback to Nate and Serena’s oldie but goodie Season One premiere hookup fueled by bubbly.

One sign there's trouble on the Upper East Side: Lily van der Woodsen and Chuck started drinking whiskey from his bar at noon. Former rocker-turned-wet blanket Rufus said, "It's a little early in the day for that, don't you think?" Lily did not, and poured herself another. This season's whole sordid drama with Juliet was revealed: Lily accused Serena's former teacher of raping her daughter, then sent him to prison. Oh no! Of course the truth came out at a black-tie holiday party for Bass Industries, where the boldfaced names tried to wash away their troubles with glasses of Champagne. (Never works.) Other boozy sightings: Beer pong in Cornwall, Connecticut, party capital of the USA.

TWO AND A HALF MEN
Photo Illustration

Episode 11: "Dead from the Waist Down"
Total Drinks: 8
Biggest Lush: Charlie continues his unchallenged reign
Signature Drinks: Alan and his girlfriend Lindsay (Courtney Thorne-Smith) drink what look suspiciously like appletinis

Best Bon Mot:
Alan: "What brings you here?"
His ex-wife's husband: "It's our weekly in-lieu-of-sex dinner."

Drunkest Moment: Fueled by a stupid plot point and the liquor swirling around his apple-flavored glass, Alan berates his ex-wife so she doesn't notice he stole her earrings and gifted them to his new girlfriend. Then: "Can you believe I was married to that bitch?" And CBS comedies hit an all-time high.

His brother Alan may be dead from the waist down but, as always, Charlie is drunk from the waist up. He prefers to sip his whiskey on the deck—neat, of course, ice only dilutes the alcohol he needs to course through his veins. Alan and Lindsay sip white wine and play Scrabble, a pathetic night in compared to Charlie whisking away his girlfriend in a limo. Funnily (or is it sadly?) enough, Sheen's doppelganger is most often seen drinking alone (this week it was Woodford Reserve bourbon on the couch while his lady friend shopped and Alan did his patented whine-and-beg-for-money shtick).

COUGAR TOWN
Photo Illustration

Episode 10: "The Same Old You"
Total Drinks: 15
Biggest Lush: They're equal opportunity pourers
Signature Drinks: Red cup beers at a sorority party and more wine

Best Bon Mot:
Travis' girlfriend: "It's so nice to be here this weekend with you and not at your mom's with the Purple Tooth Crew. They just drink a lot of wine."

Drunkest Moment: Like most working stiffs on a Friday, they toasted to a happy weekend. Except it was 3:45 in the afternoon.

"All I Want for Christmas is a New Title" Cougar Town finally nodded to the fact that none of its main characters work. Turns out, they do, except following around a real-estate agent (Jules), bartender (Grayson), and glorified caddy (Bobby) at their snoozy jobs would really cut into their drinking time. It's blasphemous for anyone to propose pouring anything but red wine, yet Jules grabbed a bottle of white for their "drink tank think tank" to conjure up ideas to improve Bobby's life. When Ellie begged for her usual hit, Jules said, "No, white wine has less alcohol. Ooh, thinking alcohol!" So remember kids, to stay smart: No beer, drink clear.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
Photo Illustration

Episode 11: "The Mermaid Theory"
Total Drinks: 20
Biggest Lush: Marshall, who still valiantly tried not to hit on Robin, his wife's best friend
Signature Drinks: Scotch in a bar, Scotch on a boat

Best Bon Mot:
Robin to Marshall: "You know, once we stopped trying to have conversations and focused on the drinking, I had fun."

Drunkest Moment: During their attempt to become friends by going out to dinner, Robin started to test Marshall's "mermaid theory" and suddenly became attractive to him—until she puked on his shoes.

The How I Met Your Mother gang have typical drinking habits for big-city dwellers. They opened the show with beers and seven boxes of Chinese food. Later, Ted and Marshall stuck with their brew, Barney had his usual whiskey, and Lily held fast to her ever-present glass of white wine. After only talking about cold weather, sports, and cold-weather sports, Marshall and Robin threw back whiskies. Meanwhile, Ted took a boating trip with Zooey's vaguely "murder-y" husband The Captain, who brought along a special bottle of Scotch for the occasion. Oh, and Barney tried to balance a beer on Lily's stomach. Note to men: That never goes over well.