Sarah Palin’s Emails Turned Into Poetry

In an excerpt from "I Hope Like Heck," Michael Solomon finds comedic verses in the Alaskan bard’s emails.

Jeff Fusco / Getty Images

The following is excerpted from I Hope Like Heck: The Selected Poems of Sarah Palin.

Where There’s Smoke

One of Lyda's aides stopped me in the hallTo say the building was getting a kickOut of my "burnt toast" episode this morningThat caused the fire alarms to go offFor 20 minutesAnd caused an evacuation.She thought it was funnyI was cooking breakfast in the capitolAnd burnt it.I assured herI was not in the building this morning,I was not cooking breakfast here at any time,And I did not burn any toast.She looked at me warily,I doubt she believed me.

Carpe Per Diem

Am I supposed to be charging mealsWhile I am away from Juneau?Or does per diem cover my meals—I haven't charged any meals to the state,Just a couple of coffees while outsideDuring these six months in office.Am I doing this right?What about Todd's mealsIf he's traveling for First Gentlemen duties?Is the intent for his per diem to cover meals entirely,Or was he to have been keeping receiptsFor reimbursements?What about family?I'd like to be real clear.

I Hope Like Heck

Also,When asked about the Gravina Bridge—I hope like heckLawmakers are smart enoughTo chop that outOf the state budgetSo I don’t have to.

You Are All Amazing—Except Maybe for Bruce

You all are amazing!You're lovedAnd appreciated!NowLean overAnd slug Bruce for me,As I follow upWith a hug for himNext time I see him.

Boo

What a crock.We've hosted so many groups,classrooms, teams, etc.In the mansion and/orThe Juneau officeAnd no one has saidBooAbout it.

'I Hope Like Heck: The Selected Poems of Sarah Palin.' By Michael Solomon. 64 pages. Byliner. $1.99.

Get The Beast In Your Inbox!

Daily Digest

Start and finish your day with the top stories from The Daily Beast.

Cheat Sheet

A speedy, smart summary of all the news you need to know (and nothing you don't).

By clicking “Subscribe,” you agree to have read the Terms of Use and Privacy Policy
Thank You!
You are now subscribed to the Daily Digest and Cheat Sheet. We will not share your email with anyone for any reason.

I May Be Pretty Wimpy

I may be pretty wimpyAbout this family stuff,But I feel like I'm at the breaking pointWith the hurtful gossip about my familyThat SherryAnd othersGet away with.Bear with me.I hate this part of the jobAnd many daysI feel like it's not worth itWhen they have to put up with the hateThat spews from people like Sherry.

And there are others.

The Old, Used Tanning Bed

Arghhh!I am so sorryThat the office is swamped like this!Dinosaurs even?!I'll try to run through some of theseIn my headBefore responding.And the old, used tanning bedThat my girls have usedA handful of timesIn Juneau?Yes,We paid for itOurselves.

The Truth About the Moose

He claimsChuck Heath was going to take Molly's tagAnd shoot a moose.Not true.I recallThat Chuck Heath was offering to take Molly huntingSince the season was coming to a closeAnd Wooten had still not taken the timeTo take her huntingSo she could fill the tag.Chuck Heath wasn't going to "shoot a moose,Period."

But I’m Not Bitter

The sunshine is perfect—Too bad we’ll be looking at itThrough conference windowsThis afternoon.