Ashley Dupré in Exile

This week's Newsweek cover story unfortunately focused on the least interesting person in the Eliot Spitzer sex scandal: Eliot Spitzer. As a public service, satirist Andy Borowitz has fabricated the following profile of the significantly more interesting Ashley Alexandra Dupré.

Flashpoint, WENN / Newscom

Newsweek, April 18, 2009: There is no success so exquisite as the kind you find in Manhattan and no disgrace so excruciating as the kind you find on Manhattan's Upper East Side…

In Manhattan, where horse-ejected pop stars join their ’roid-bloated exes on the celebrity disabled list, where convicted Ponzi schemers live cheek-by-jail with accused Somali pirates, one simple fact of New York life knits together this Hogarthian crazy-quilt of humanity: When your dog poops, you have to clean it up. Ashley Alexandra Dupré knows this all too well.

“Clients One through Eight: These were the forgotten victims in this sad story. But I want them to know that they are more than Emperors or VIPs to me. They’re real people with real feelings.”

Eliot Spitzer goes out to walk the dogs. For three days after resigning as governor of New York in March 2008, he stayed in his Upper East Side apartment, out of the cameras' view…

“Yesterday I was out walking my dog and I forgot to bring a plastic bag,” Ashley says. “I hope nobody stepped in it.”

Spitzer kept walking the dog through the last bitter days of winter. The photographers lost interest. By summer he was an Upper East Side curiosity—Whatever happened to Eliot? I don't know, was a common answer, but I've seen him walking his dog. A year later, he is still walking…

Ashley knows a thing or two about stepping in shit. In March 2008, she was the other woman in the Eliot Spitzer sex scandal immortalized by one tabloid headline as YOU, ME & DUPRE. One year later, she’s still picking up the mess.

Spitzer knows this, knows that every time he hails a cab, runs in the park, or takes the dogs out, people may be watching him—wondering why he did it, what's really going on inside his apartment and what's going on inside his head…

“I was a high-earning prostitute with a BlackBerry full of johns, and I threw it all away for one night with Eliot Spitzer,” she says, ruefully. “I know the question everyone’s asking: ‘What was she thinking?’”

How truly difficult this must be for Spitzer, who has always been better than everyone. "Over the course of my public life," he said in his resignation statement, "I have insisted, I believe correctly, that people, regardless of their position or power, take responsibility for their conduct. I can and will ask no less of myself."…

Thinking, indeed: Ashley has had a year to do plenty of that. But now, the time for thinking has stopped and the time for talking has begun. Ashley Alexandra Dupré is talking about sex—and this time, it’s free of charge.

“People need to know that I feel deeply, deeply sorry for the pain I caused, especially to those I was closest to: Clients One through Eight,” she says. “They trusted me and I abused that trust.”

Get The Beast In Your Inbox!

Daily Digest

Start and finish your day with the top stories from The Daily Beast.

Cheat Sheet

A speedy, smart summary of all the news you need to know (and nothing you don't).

By clicking “Subscribe,” you agree to have read the Terms of Use and Privacy Policy
Thank You!
You are now subscribed to the Daily Digest and Cheat Sheet. We will not share your email with anyone for any reason.

Clients One through Eight: These were the forgotten victims in this sad story, the members of the Emperors Club VIP who were overshadowed by the biggest client of them all, the Honorable Number Nine. Ashley’s tried to make amends with all eight of them, texting them with apologies and offers of a partial refund. So far, her olive branches have gone unanswered.

“Maybe they can’t forgive me,” she says, her voice struggling not to break. “But I want them to know that they are more than Emperors or VIPs to me. They’re real people with real feelings.”

His face flattened, as if in great pain. "One thing I'm very bad at is being publicly introspective … The human mind does, and permits people to do things that they rationally know are wrong, outrageous … We succumb to temptations that we know are wrong and foolish when we do it and then in hindsight we say, 'How could I have?'"…

All of this thinking and talking have led some to speculate that Ashley may be plotting a return to public life. Of course, her days as a high-priced prostitute are over. She knows that. But according to rumors, she is pondering a number of options, including her own show on MSNBC. That would mean more talking and less thinking, which would be fine by Ashley.

"When you're in the foxhole with somebody," Spitzer says, "and there are incoming mortars, that breeds a certain closeness because nobody else can appreciate what you're going through."…

When the subject of a possible comeback is raised, though, Ashley is suddenly cagey. She says she is leading a quiet life these days, spending most of her time updating her Facebook page and “learning to tweet.” But in what might be an oblique reference to her own rehabilitation, she does single out the woman she considers her role model: Monica Lewinsky.

“Back in the day, when you heard the name Monica Lewinsky, the first thing you’d think of was, ‘woman who blew the president,’” she says. “Now when you hear Monica Lewinsky, you think, ‘handbag designer.’” Has she spoken to Monica? “I would love to, but no,” she says, calling the former White House intern her “spiritual Mapquest.”

Ashley’s dog starts wagging its tail, indicating that it’s time for another walk around the block.The pooch starts panting heavily, inspiring a touch of gallows humor from Ashley, who, while attaching a leather leash to the dog’s neck, calls him “Client Number Ten.” And so the most famous former call girl in New York and her best friend return to the sidewalks of Manhattan—but this time, armed with a plastic bag. The last thing Ashley Alexandra Dupré needs is another mess to clean up.

When I asked him if his reemergence meant he could run again for office, he responded, "I don't know if I could, but I can tell you that is not what this is about." For those not skilled in politician-speak, note that he didn't say no…

Andy Borowitz is a comedian, writer and creator of the award-winning satire site, He performs at the 92nd Street Y in New York Thursday, April 30 at 8 p.m.