Five And A Quarter Inches, To Be Exact

This Just In: Max Clifford's Penis Is "Certainly Not Enormous"

Gentlemen, imagine, if you will, having your most intimate measurement read out in open court?

Well, the defence team of Britain's most famous publicist Max Clifford came out - swinging? - today on the first day of his defence against allegations of sexual assault, homing in on contradictory accounts over the size of his penis.

Mr Clifford, 70, denies 11 counts of indecent assault relating to seven alleged victims, aged from 14 to 20 between 1966 and 1984.Mr Clifford's barrister Richard Horwell, QC, began his defense case by outlining the prosecution witnesses' "contradictory" evidence relating to the size of Mr Clifford's penis.He said the evidence from the seven accusers about the size of the publicist's penis ranged from "freakishly small" to "enormous" and, as such, none could be relied upon.The court heard that Mr Clifford's penis was in fact of an "average size".

Mr Horwell said witnesses has variously told how Clifford's penis was 'freakishly small' and 'enormous'."The evidence has established that Mr Clifford has an average sized penis. That will be his evidence to you."His doctor has recently measured his penis. When flaccid, it is five and a quarter inches long - certainly not freakishly small, certainly not enormous."

A rumor circulating on twitter that Mr Clifford's doctor is named Dr Cockson has yet to be verified by teh Royalist.

Earlier in the trial, the jurors had to be given time to settle down when a witness told them that she thought Clifford was well-endowed and his penis was very large, but added, "I have a small mouth. I do, my dentist has always said."This prompted laughter on the jury, which was sent out for a few minutes. Jurors returned to be told by judge Anthony Leonard QC: "It is inevitable in a case dealing with this sort of graphic detail that members of the jury want to burst out laughing...Can I ask you to settle down and remember where you are?"