10.14.08

Dear Sarah, I Can Relate

The Project Runway star and mother of six offers advice for the potential veep. Tip #1: Schedule a root canal for some "me" time.

Project Runway star and mother of six Laura Bennett offers advice for the potential veep. Tip #1: Schedule a root canal for some “me” time.

Dear Sarah,

Now I am no hockey mom, but as a working mother of six, I totally know where you are coming from. I, too, have a child whose birth date I had to fudge to conceal conception out of wedlock, and a daughter with big boobs. My children have a burning desire to blast any wildlife that crosses their path—mostly New York City park squirrels and rats. I have a son engaged in combat in Iraq, though he is only 12 and it’s just a video game. One of my brood is even a “special.”

Managing home, family, and career can be tough. No doubt you already have a juggling act that would inspire an entire Vegas show for Cirque du Soleil. But if things go your way, you may find yourself one heartbeat away from the presidency—and I wanted to offer some tips for balancing family and work.

There is nothing like a root canal to secure some guilt-free time for yourself. One medicated hour in the chair with no disturbances can be pure bliss, and as a special bonus, you get to leave with a Vicodin prescription.

When a busy woman is faced with having to do it all, there is no shame in asking for help. And I have a thought about a labor pool you could tap. There will be quite a few political pundits looking for work next month, and what a perfect fit! They know every detail of your life, so it would be quite easy for any one of them to step in and help run your family. Perhaps Campbell Brown could accompany Piper on her school field trip to the Lincoln Memorial. Tucker Carlson might be willing to help fold the laundry that piles up on the White House dining room table. And who would be more perfect than Wolf Blitzer to wait for the cable guy when you need a new box in the Oval Office?

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You will need some “me time.” Sneaking away from a busy schedule is difficult, but I have a few suggestions. Schedule a dentist appointment. There is nothing like a root canal to secure some guilt-free time for yourself. One medicated hour in the chair with no disturbances can be pure bliss, and as a special bonus, you get to leave with a Vicodin prescription.

Of course, you can always hide in that fallback safe haven, the bathroom. What’s not to love about a room designed for one that has a locking door? And who can possibly argue with the reply, “Not now, I’m on the toilet?” If things get too overwhelming, just walk away from it all and go shopping. There is no denying the rejuvenating power of a new pair of shoes. Love those red pumps, by the way.

You could also get yourself a first lady to help with the heavy lifting. The beauty of it is, you decide the extent of your first lady’s duties. Personally, I would be more than happy for mine to have sex with my husband if I was too tired, but that’s up to you. By finding a first lady, you will free up valuable time to immerse yourself in foreign policy. Or work on that tan. I have taken the liberty of preparing a classified ad for you to post on Craigslist:

Successful Female Politico Seeking First Lady. Washington, D.C., area.

Wanted: Loving, faithful, dedicated, hardworking individual to run large historic home and manage growing family while I focus on my career. Duties include preaching abstinence, picking out china, and sending care packages to Iraq. Ability to process felled caribou a must. Please send all queries to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Good luck with your search,

Laura