06.26.09 10:06 PM ET
Joseph Conrad vs. Lauren Conrad
A. He made as though he would kiss me, but restrained himself. 'The only book I had left, and I thought I had lost it,' he said, looking at it ecstatically.
B. Then he kissed her again. She kissed him back. She wasn’t sure if it was loneliness or desperation or what—but whatever it was, neither of them was stopping.
A. Jeremy was English. He appeared to be in his late 40s, with salt-and-pepper hair and bushy eyebrows.
B. With his legs folded before him, he had the pose of a Buddha preaching in European clothes and without a lotus flower.
A. The intensity of the lights was muted by wide sheets of what looked like tracing paper, wrapped around the fixtures and held in place by wooden clothespins.
B. They still belonged to the beginnings of time--had no inherited experience to teach them as it were), and of course, as long as there was a piece of paper…
A. The place was beautiful, all vintage ivory wallpaper and polished oak floors. In the center of the room, a circular glass table displayed a single white orchid.
B. The room seemed to have grown darker, as if all the sad light of the cloudy evening had taken refuge on her forehead.
A.Then he got fever, and had to be carried in a hammock slung under a pole.
B.“They’ve installed a stripper pole in our living room.”
A. When they were together, his eyes never strayed from her. He treated her so well.
B. " 'He was a remarkable man,' I said, unsteadily. Then before the appealing fixity of her gaze, that seemed to watch for more words on my lips, I went on, 'It was impossible not to --'" 'Love him,' she finished eagerly.
A. To tell you the truth, I was morbidly anxious to change my shoes and socks.
B.“You look pretty in that dress. And those peep-hole shoes are hot.”
A. The knitting old woman with the cat obtruded herself upon my memory as a most improper person to be sitting at the other end of such an affair.
B. “What about the one dancing near the DJ booth? Red hair, big boobs?”
A. “'Ever any madness in your family?' he asked, in a matter-of-fact tone. I felt very annoyed.
B. He had hurt her, but part of her still wanted to see him again.
A. “Oh my god…oh my god…oh my god.”
B. “The horror! The horror!”
Answers on next page.
1. A (Joseph) B (Lauren)
2. A (Lauren) B (Joseph)
3. A (Lauren) B (Joseph)
4. A (Lauren) B (Joseph)
5. A (Joseph) B (Lauren)
6. A (Lauren) B (Joseph)
7. A (Joseph) B (Lauren)
8. A (Joseph) B (Lauren)
9. A (Joseph) B (Lauren)
10. A (Lauren) B (Joseph)
WHAT YOUR SCORE MEANS:
10/10: You're, like, totally a genius.
8 or 9: You're too smart to be watching The Hills.
6 or 7: Put the remote down and read a book.
4 or 5: You could have your own reality show.
3 or less: The horror, the horror.