Charlie Sheen Rants Turned into Poetry

Beaten down or Beat poet? Charlie Sheen's rambling talk-show rants are filled with powerful symbolic imagery and occasionally wise rhymes. Read his latest work.

03.01.11 6:43 AM ET

Poetry at My Fingertips: The Selected Verse of Charlie Sheen

What Remains

I don’t have a job. I’ve got a whole family To support and love. People A lot more important than me Are relying on that money To fuel the magic.

Like Lambs to the Slumber

So just shut your traps And put down your McDonald’s, Your magazines, Your TMZ And the rest of it, And focus On something that matters. But you can’t focus On things that matter If all you’ve been is asleep For forty years. Funny how sleep Rhymes with sheep.

Mea Culpa

There’s nothing about that in my history Anywhere. I’m sorry if I offended you. I didn’t know you were so sensitive. I just thought that, after you wailing on me For eight years, I could take a couple shots back.

your rights, your wrongs

you have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. boom. that’s the whole movie. that’s life.

In the Air and On the Ground

I got magic And I got poetry At my fingertips Most of the time And this includes naps. I’m an F-18 And I will destroy you In the air, And I will deploy my ordnance To the ground.

On Deaf Ears

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Did you say Cancun Or caboose? I don't know, I was in a blackout, man.

Tune in Tomorrow

They lay down With their ugly wives And their ugly children And just look at their loser lives. And then they look at me And say, “I can't process it.” Well, no, And you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back And enjoy the show.

Let Me Say This About the Goddesses

Let me say this about the Goddesses, I don't think the term is good enough, But when you're bound by these terrestrial descriptions, You must use the best term available. So if you think about it, dude, I'm 0-for-3 in marriage, But like in baseball, The scoreboard doesn't lie. Never has. So what we all have Is a marriage of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate, Or radically disrespect this unit With a shameful contract Is something I'll leave to the amateurs And Bible grippers.

Soft Targets

Look what I'm dealing with, man. I'm dealing with fools And trolls. I'm dealing with soft targets, And it's just strafing runs In my underwear Before my first cup of coffee.

This Just In

Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bullshit! I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I cured it, I'm done. You don't look like you're having a lot of fun.

god’s gift to man

women are not to be hit they’re to be hugged and caressed

The Special Ones

I just don’t do it. I will not believe that if I do something Then I have to follow a certain path Because it was written For normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood And Adonis DNA.

To My Friend, Lenny Dykstra

I think it was Nails that said, And I was really flattered that he got it right, He might be Nails, But I'm bayonets. I'm battle-tested bayonets.

Ode to a Swordsman

I'm insulted. I am confused. But these resentments, They are the rocket fuel That lives In the tip of my sabre.

Can’t Is the Cancer of Happen

I blinked And I cured my brain, that's how. Everybody has the power. Can't is the cancer of happen. I can't do it. The Nike slogan doesn't say, 'Just Try It.' Oh, okay. Just try it. No. 'Just Do It,' man.

A Screaming Comes Across the Sky

I'm tired Of pretending Like I'm not special. I’m tired Of pretending Like I’m not bitchin’, A total frickin’ rock star From Mars.

Use as Directed

I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available. If you try it once, You will die. Your face will melt off And your children will weep Over your exploded body.

Ave Atque Vale

I'm gonna hang out With these two smoking hotties And fly privately Around the world. It might be lonely up here But I sure like the view.

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Michael Solomon is the former features director of The Daily Beast. His writing has appeared in Vanity Fair, Esquire, Elle, and O, and he has published several books, including the Malcolm Gladwell parody Blank: The Power of Not Actually Thinking at All.