Charlie Sheen Gets High On Charlie Sheen
This week began with a bizarre, rant-filled interview on Monday's Good Morning America, in which Sheen admitted that he does drugs—or one. "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body," he said. Sheen went on to talk about "violently" loving and defending his "bitchin' rock-star life" and his decision to sue CBS for breach of contract—all while smoking a cigarette, of course.
A Winner's "Total Epic Fail"
In an exclusive interview with TMZ from Sheen's backyard on Monday, the actor was about to opine on the destructive nature of partying when he was rudely interrupted. "Failure? Total epic fail?" Sheen shouted to one of his goddesses calling to him from the balcony. Turns out, her lack of success was referencing her inability to make coffee. When the interviewer yelled some unsolicited advice to her, Sheen quickly told him, "Don't confuse her!" As she left for Goddess vs. Mr. Coffee Round II, Sheen called after her: "You're awesome. I love you."
Charlie's Angels… Or "Goddesses"
The actor gave the world a look at his private life on Tuesday's Good Morning America and introduced us to the girls of the Sheen-proclaimed Sober Valley Lodge—a former nanny and a porn star. When asked what he loved about the two young ladies, Sheen said, "Everything. Every memory. Every cell. Every feature. All of it," after giving each of the blondes—who act as second and third mothers to his twin toddlers—a kiss on the lips.
Seven Minutes in Hell
The rant that started Sheen's latest media bender was this interview on The Alex Jones Show on Thursday. In a matter of seven minutes, Sheen managed to call marriage "a shameful contract… [for] amateurs and Bible grippers," to claim he cured himself of alcoholism in a nanosecond simply by closing his eyes, and to refer to his sitcom's creator as "Chaim," leading to accusations of anti-Semitism.
A "Warlock's" Fighting Words
With so much experience in rehab, this "warlock"—Sheen's word choice, not ours—might as well be an expert on recovery. Coupled with his self-proclaimed "tiger's blood" and "Adonis DNA," the actor claimed on Today on Monday that he'll never use again—except for when he has a celebratory glass of wine or Champagne or when he partakes in his drug of choice ( himself).
At least when Sheen was on drugs, he had reason for acting crazy. The fast-falling actor has been unrelenting in his desire to prove he's clean during his latest media blitz, submitting to multiple blood and urine testing on camera over the past week. "The word negative is printed like 18 trillion times," he told Radar Online, noting fluids were "just flying out of [his] body."
Being Alive Is "Pretty Cool"
In a candid and relatively contained interview with Piers Morgan on Monday, Charlie Sheen spoke about his battle with addiction and detailed his struggle with specialists. Nevertheless, he concluded he's "still alive, which is pretty cool." Sounds like Sheen and the Saturday Night Live spoof of Miley Cyrus share that sentiment.
At Least He Can Laugh At Himself?
What does Charlie Sheen think about his media blitz? In a meta moment on Today on Tuesday, Sheen spent some time reflecting on his porch. "I'm entertaining as hell," he said, explaining that he had a good giggle about the media coverage with "the goddesses" and his friends. The good thing is, Sheen is laughing with himself, not at himself; that is, when he's not getting high on himself.
Sheen effectively rendered the meaning of "winning" useless in an interview with 20/20 on Tuesday night. After showing his washboard abs to the camera and claiming to drink water through his eyes, the sitcom star denied rumors that his erratic behavior is the result of being bipolar. Instead, he said, it’s because he is "bi-winning,” explaining, “I win here and I win there.”