Decision 2012: Charlie Sheen vs. Sarah Palin
The setting is the 2012 presidential debates. Following one of the biggest upsets in American political history, actor Charlie Sheen has secured the Democratic nomination for president over Barack Obama. His sold-out "Violent Torpedo of Truth" tour played to full houses in Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada, South Carolina—and he swept all those caucuses and primaries. The pundits call his campaign platform (WINNING!) a stroke of political genius.
On the flip side, after a long and brutal primary season, Sarah Palin narrowly beat out reality-TV star Donald Trump for the Republican nomination. In a surprising act of grace, she offered Trump the job of her running mate. If elected, in addition to governing the country, the duo will also appear on a crossover edition of The Apprentice: Alaska. The following scene is the opening debates between the two candidates with MSNBC host Rachel Maddow moderating:
Rachel Maddow: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our two candidates to the stage. Both of you are known for quitting your jobs abruptly. Why should the American people trust you with the presidency?
Sarah Palin: Good evening, Rachel. I did not quit being governor, but decided to leave given that I did not want to be a lame duck. I instead went on to make a large amount of money touring the country and giving speeches, and of course starring in my hit TV show Sarah Palin's Alaska. All of this really served my country in a different way, so in essence I wasn't quitting. I was doing my part to make America better.
Charlie Sheen: I didn't quit anything, you clearly have no idea what you are talking about. I elected to win. And if elected president that is what I will continue to do. Winning is my life, Rachel. WINNING! WINNING! [He takes a drag from his cigarette and winks at Maddow in a suggestive way.]
If elected president, Charlie Sheen would throw hot tub parties for all the world's leaders.
Rachel: Very… um… interesting answers. Let's move on. How do you both feel concerning gay marriage and gay rights? It's a polarizing issue in America, even with the end of Don't Ask, Don't Tell.
Charlie: Rachel, Don't Ask, Don't Tell has always been one of my favorite mottos.
Sarah: I do not agree with my opponent on this issue. I think marriage is between a man and a woman. And if two men lived with each other and had a child—
Charlie: It would be just like my hit TV series. I got so much cash from that show, it funded my entire campaign and I'm giving tax cuts to everyone. But back to your question, Rachel, as many of you remember, I shared a passionate kiss with Jimmy Kimmel. What soft lips! They almost reminded me of my 278th girlfriend—back in junior high school. In conclusion, I support gay marriage and wouldn't be closed off to considering it in my own life at some point in the future. Gay marriage is winning.
Rachel: Who would both of you consider your personal political heroes?
Charlie: Winning. Hugh Hefner. My father Martin Sheen when he played President Bartlet, which is almost as good as being the real president. And obviously my goddesses.
Sarah: My personal heroes are Jesus Christ, Ronald Reagan, Nancy Reagan, and Abraham Lincoln.
Rachel: Sarah, this question is for you. How do you respond to critics who say you are too polarizing for the Republican Party and you could possibly be forfeiting the presidency to actor Charlie Sheen? Political blogger and your former running mate's daughter Meghan McCain has been one of your most vocal critics.
Sarah: Meghan McCain is nothing more than an irrelevant RINO blogger, everybody knows that.
Charlie: [Takes a long drag from his cigarette.] I invited Meghan on my private campaign bus but she wouldn't come. Do you think Bristol would be down to hang?
Sarah: Not unless you want to deal with this hockey mom.
Rachel: OK let's focus. Back to the real issues. What will you both do to combat the growing threat of terrorism?
Charlie: 9/11 was a conspiracy. Everyone knows that. What a dumb question, Rachel. I made a video about it. When elected president I will continue to expose this truth! Winning is exposing the 9/11 conspiracy theory!
Rachel: Well, I guess we are changing subjects yet again. Now for a viewer's question. This one comes from Los Angeles. "What the hell is tiger's blood? And is it better than moose chili?"
Charlie: If elected, I will pump this economy so full of tiger's blood, we'll all be the eye of the tiger! This is what America needs to boost the economy.
Sarah: I'm proud to say that in Alaska, we don't consume warlock drinks.
Charlie: She's no goddess.
Rachel: What do you love most about America?
Charlie: Everything but Chuck Lorre.
Sarah: Freedom and Ronald Reagan and freedom.
Rachel: Unfortunately, it seems that time is up. You each have one last closing statement to make.
Charlie: Dear America, in the last two years, I've taken over the world. So you might as well give me the White House so that I could throw hot tub parties for all the world leaders. I will also restore America's economy, get us out Afghanistan with an effective exit strategy all the while restoring peace in the Middle East and bring the same kind of happiness in your lives that you experienced while watching Two and a Half Men. There really isn't any other logical choice. Winning America. Winning.
Sarah: As I have stated, in the last election things would have turned out much differently had I been on the top of the ticket instead of Senator McCain. I would have won the last election if I were the nominee and I am going to win in this one. Not only am I the only logical choice, but I am the only real God-fearing, gun-loving American standing on this stage. Finally, keep in mind, I'm not just the Republican nominee for president, but also a reality-TV star, and in America you aren't anyone until you have your own show from Mark Burnett. God bless America.
Rachel: And with that, one of these two people will become your next president. It's up to you to decide. And honey, if you're watching at home—I hope you have the bags packed, because we're moving to Canada.
Meghan McCain is a columnist for The Daily Beast. Originally from Phoenix, she graduated from Columbia University in 2007. She is a New York Times bestselling children's author, previously wrote for Newsweek magazine, and created the Web site mccainblogette.com. Her most recent book, Dirty Sexy Politics, was published in August.