06.20.11

The Poems of Sarah Palin

Who knew there was poetry hidden in all those Palin emails? In an exclusive excerpt from "I Hope Like Heck," Michael Solomon unearths the comedic verses of Alaska’s bard.

The following is excerpted from I Hope Like Heck: The Selected Poems of Sarah Palin.

Where There’s Smoke

One of Lyda's aides stopped me in the hall
To say the building was getting a kick
Out of my "burnt toast" episode this morning
That caused the fire alarms to go off
For 20 minutes
And caused an evacuation.
She thought it was funny
I was cooking breakfast in the capitol
And burnt it.
I assured her
I was not in the building this morning,
I was not cooking breakfast here at any time,
And I did not burn any toast.
She looked at me warily,
I doubt she believed me.

Carpe Per Diem

Am I supposed to be charging meals
While I am away from Juneau?
Or does per diem cover my meals—
I haven't charged any meals to the state,
Just a couple of coffees while outside
During these six months in office.
Am I doing this right?
What about Todd's meals
If he's traveling for First Gentlemen duties?
Is the intent for his per diem to cover meals entirely,
Or was he to have been keeping receipts
For reimbursements?
What about family?
I'd like to be real clear.

I Hope Like Heck

Also,
When asked about the Gravina Bridge—
I hope like heck
Lawmakers are smart enough
To chop that out
Of the state budget
So I don’t have to.

You Are All Amazing—Except Maybe for Bruce

You all are amazing!
You're loved
And appreciated!
Now
Lean over
And slug Bruce for me,
As I follow up
With a hug for him
Next time I see him.

Boo

What a crock.
We've hosted so many groups,
classrooms, teams, etc.
In the mansion and/or
The Juneau office
And no one has said
Boo
About it.

i hope like heck sarah palin

'I Hope Like Heck: The Selected Poems of Sarah Palin.' By Michael Solomon. 64 pages. Byliner. $1.99.

I May Be Pretty Wimpy

I may be pretty wimpy
About this family stuff,
But I feel like I'm at the breaking point
With the hurtful gossip about my family
That Sherry
And others
Get away with.
Bear with me.
I hate this part of the job
And many days
I feel like it's not worth it
When they have to put up with the hate
That spews from people like Sherry.

And there are others.

The Old, Used Tanning Bed

Arghhh!
I am so sorry
That the office is swamped like this!
Dinosaurs even?!
I'll try to run through some of these
In my head
Before responding.
And the old, used tanning bed
That my girls have used
A handful of times
In Juneau?
Yes,
We paid for it
Ourselves.

The Truth About the Moose

He claims
Chuck Heath was going to take Molly's tag
And shoot a moose.
Not true.
I recall
That Chuck Heath was offering to take Molly hunting
Since the season was coming to a close
And Wooten had still not taken the time
To take her hunting
So she could fill the tag.
Chuck Heath wasn't going to "shoot a moose,
Period."

But I’m Not Bitter

The sunshine is perfect—
Too bad we’ll be looking at it
Through conference windows
This afternoon.