09.11.11

Charlie Sheen Gets Roasted

As ‘Two and a Half Men’ carries on without him, the embattled actor was ripped apart at a Comedy Central roast—and fought back. Maria Elena Fernandez runs down the best digs.

At the end of his Comedy Central roast, Charlie Sheen declared himself “unscathed.” The former star of Two and a Half Men, who was fired in March, was making light of the nearly three hours of skewering he received at the hands of merciless roasters that included Seth MacFarlane and William Shatner, but there was more on his mind. No longer claiming to be a warlock from another planet, and looking healthier than he has in months, Sheen gave it right back to his roasters and then directed his words at the audience.

“You can’t hurt me,” he continued in an upbeat but defiant tone. “Hell, I can’t even hurt me. Drugs couldn’t kill me. Sex couldn’t kill me. The press couldn’t kill me. Two and a Half Men couldn’t kill me. Did you really think your little jokes were gonna hurt me? I’m the Wild Thing, Ricky [effing] Vaughn man, you’re looking at a guy who thrives on chaos. At 10 years old, I was on the set of Apocalypse Now, playing in the Philippine jungle, playing with severed heads … and when I did Ferris Bueller, my first line in the film was ‘Drugs?’ I thought they were asking me how I wanted to be paid. I went on to have the biggest salary on television. Sounds great, right? It was. No, really, it [effing] was. I did porn stars, I did drugs, I had my own television show … and then I did the one thing that everyone in America wishes they could do: I told my boss to [eff] off. And then it was gone—in one public fiery flameout.  And it was only when the smoke cleared that I realized how lucky I am because, even after all that, I still have a family that loves me. That’s why they’re not here tonight. Yeah, they’ve seen me in jail. They’ve seen me rushed to emergency rooms. They’ve seen me dragged to court. But seeing me on basic cable would kill them. But I know that my family will always be there for me. So, what I’m trying to say is I’m done with the 'winning' because I’ve already won. This roast may be over, but I’m Charlie Sheen, and in here burns an eternal fire. I just have to remember to keep it away from a crack pipe.”

The crack pipe wasn’t even the half of it. No one held back during Saturday night’s taping in Los Angeles—not even to spare Sheen’s young children or his unwitting mother. No aspect of the actor’s wild life was excluded. The Daily Beast picked the show’s 12 most outrageous jokes—you can decide where they land with you. The show airs on Comedy Central on Sept. 19 at 10 p.m.—the same night CBS launches the retooled version of Two and a Half Men starring Ashton Kutcher.

1. In his introduction of Sheen, roast master Seth MacFarlane (creator of Family Guy) wasted no time. “Tonight on Two and a Half Men, they’re actually having Charlie’s pretend funeral, believe it or not. No need to switch over, though. Just wait a few months, you can probably see the real thing. I mean, we all know there’s a good chance Charlie will be dead soon, so I wrote an obituary. Charlie Sheen, who became a tabloid fixture due to his problems with drugs and alcohol, was found dead in his apartment. Actually, you know what? I kind of just copied Amy Winehouse’s obituary. I only had to change three things: the sex of the deceased, the location of the body, and the part that says a talent that will be missed.”

2. Actress Kate Walsh (Private Practice): “I have to say, Charlie, you are an incredible medical specimen.  I guess that’s one of the benefits of waking up every morning at the crack of crack … You know, it’s amazing, despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidneys, your liver, the only thing you’ve had removed is your kids.”

3. Comedian Jeffrey Ross: “If you’re winning, this must not be a child-custody hearing. The only time your kids get to see you is in reruns—don’t you want to live to see their first 12 steps?”

4. Comic Anthony Jeselnik: “Charlie, you’ve got a fascinating family. Your brother is Emilio Estevez. Your father is Martin Sheen, and your mom is some dumb b-tch.”

5. Actor William Shatner: “Charlie, I’m 80 years old. You’re, what, [46]? How come we look like we went to high school together?”

6. MacFarlane: “Charlie has found ways to make money. He has his own iPhone app. You type in your height, your weight, your date of birth, you answer a few questions about your personality, and then it shoots Kelly Preston.”

7. Shatner: “Look, Carlos, I’ve had my share of the wild times with the senoritas. I’ve had sex in space with green women. Sure, you’ve had sex with the blue women because, unlike you, they couldn’t handle their drugs. You don’t need that kind of press, Charlie. In my day, if I wanted that kind of publicity, I had to do something drastic, like kiss a black girl or let an Asian drive. May I suggest to you, Charlie, that you reexamine your relations with women? First of all, one should always be a gentleman. With a lady, you know, would it kill you to open a door for her before you lock her in the closet? And prostitutes cost a lot of money, Charlie. Hasn’t anyone told you that actresses will sleep with you for free? That’s Hollywood 101! You should have called.”

8. Jeselnik: “Charlie, I don’t understand why you’re not grateful for what you have right now. I mean, after all, the only reason you got on TV in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox.”

9. Comedian Amy Schumer: “Charlie Sheen is still alive! Charlie, you were amazing in Platoon. Your marriage to Denise [Richards] was kind of like her Vietnam because she was constantly afraid of being killed by Charlie ... There’s no denying how famous you are. It was international news when you ruined the lives of those two girls living with you—you know, your daughters.”

'I’m Charlie Sheen, and in here burns an eternal fire. I just have to remember to keep it away from a crack pipe.'

10. Ross: “Look at Brooke Mueller. She’s not very bright, unless Charlie throws a lamp at her.”

11. Jeselnik: “Charlie, you are one of the dumbest people on the planet. Maybe it’s got something to do with the fact that you dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s kid.”

12. Sheen: “Until tonight, I never knew how [effed] up I was. All this time, I just thought I was having fun. Maybe I should have listened to those 60 doctors, three ex-wives, two paramedics, and nine dead relatives who were motioning me toward the light—all of whom told me not to do this roast. Yeah, it’s true. I’ve hung around with a lot of shady people over the years—losers, drug addicts, dealers, desperate whores. But to have you all here on one night is really special.”