11.05.11

The 7 Best Andy Rooney Kvetches

America’s favorite curmudgeon has died at the age of 92. From grumbling over Bill Gates to moaning about his eyebrows and bellyaching over mixed nuts, see Rooney’s best essays.

Andy Rooney Says Goodbye

After more than 1,000 essays, Rooney gave his final signoff Sunday night on 60 Minutes. Ending a 30-year run on the show, Rooney's last goodbye was heartfelt. He said simply, “Not many people in this world have been as lucky as I’ve been.”

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Andy Rooney’s First Kvetch

Call him a professional whiner. The 92-year-old said goodbye to his gig on Sunday’s episode of 60 Minutes with his final—and 1,097th—essay on the program. Rooney has contributed to the show since its inception and became a mainstay in July 1978, when he kicked off his kvetching spot with a rant on car accidents. Rooney might be officially retiring, but CBS News Chairman Jeff Fager says he’ll always be welcome back to speak his mind when the “urge hits him.” Watch the rant that started it all.

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Bill Gates Destroyed Computers

Dear Bill Gates: Thanks for screwing up computers. Andy Rooney is, above all else, a writer, and boy he is not a fan of modern writing devices. In this technological tirade, Rooney laments the death of his beloved typewriter, which lasted him 50 years. His rant turns to the alleged culprit of his dissatisfaction—the dastardly computer—and above all the machine’s creator. Bill Gates, you’ve met your match, and he’s hopping mad about, well, several things.

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Andy Rooney, Fashion Police

Who are shoe stores trying to kid? That’s the question Rooney ponders in this good-natured rant about his attire. From ill-fitting pairs to strangely shaped sneakers, the TV legend leaves no angle of his distaste for shoes unaddressed. But what would a Rooney rant be without a visual aid? Shoes are stacked across Rooney’s desk as he points out his least favorite pairs. “You’d think short shoes would be cheaper than long shoes, too—not as much in them. But they aren’t,” he laments. “People with short feet are subsidizing people with long feet.”

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Nuts Over Mixed Nuts

Ever had some time on your hands and thought you would count how many nuts were in a can of mixed nuts? No? Well Andy Rooney did and nearly gave himself a bellyache over the results. Planters, take note, Rooney is on to you and he doesn’t appreciate when the can comes up short.

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All Dolled Up for ‘60’

Isn’t he lovely? Believe it or not, Rooney takes pride in keeping up appearances—coat, tie, watch, even his hair. But there’s one sticking point where Rooney won’t budge, and it’s closer to his thoughts than one might imagine. Beauty, as they say, is in the eye of the beholder.

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A Very Grumpy Christmas

Bah, humbug! It’s the most wonderful time of the year, and even Andy Rooney says he likes Christmas. But what do you get for the person who hates everything? Rooney takes viewers through his possible gift list, and let’s just say he has some strong opinions. Don’t call him Scrooge, but don’t call him Santa either.

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Rooney Is iTuned Out

Andy Rooney’s take on Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga, and Usher can be summed up in one word: “Who?” It’s true, the world’s most famous pop-culture icons have eluded Rooney’s ears. But for once, he doesn’t seem too upset about it. We’ll go ahead and “call it even,” just this once.

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