It probably all started innocently enough: hoping to stir the patriotic passions of an Iowa audience, the once-and-future GOP frontrunner, Mitt Romney, spoke the poetic lyrics of America the Beautiful. Upon arriving at the “amber waves of grain,” he tossed in this kind-of-humorous aside: “Corn? Does corn count?” Earning him obligatory laughter from polite supporters and the ridicule of late-night comics.
Given that there’s hardly a Romney stump speech that doesn’t incorporate America the Beautiful, it’s not too hard to see where this is going if he were to actually win. Maybe something like this …
MITT ROMNEY’S NOMINATION ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
I love America. I love the hymns and songs of America. There’s one I love in particular.
O beautiful for spacious skies,
You have some lovely skies here in Tampa. Raise your hand if you love the sky! Wow.
For amber waves of grain,
Is corn a grain? That joke killed in Iowa—which not only will I win in the general election—but this time it will stay won!
For purple mountain majesties
You know what, it’s OK to like purple. But I happen to believe that marriage is between a man and a woman.
Above the fruited plain!
I love fruit! I once ate an entire basket of peaches! I love the people who pick the fruit. But let me be clear: I support legal immigration.
America! America! God shed His grace on thee,
By the way, I was born in thee. Ha, ha. ha.
And crown thy good with brotherhood from sea to shining sea!
And when I say “shiny,” I am not talking about oil spills. We need an energy policy that unleashes the power of America, not destroys it.
O beautiful for pilgrim feet
It’s time we go back to the kind of Constitution the pilgrims intended! Wouldn’t that be something?
Whose stern impassion’d stress
Stressed feet? Try being chased from Utah to Mexico like my Great-grandfather Romney was! You think your wife’s a pain in the neck? Try several! “Take my wives, please,” he used to say.
A thoroughfare for freedom beat
Freedom from Washington regulation is more like it! Regulation’s not what made this country great. What made this country great is the principles for which it stands.
Across the wilderness
I once shot a varmint in the wilderness! No wait, I shot it in my pajamas. How the wilderness got into my pajamas, I’ll never know!
America! America! God mend thine ev’ry flaw,
Or, if you prefer, our current president could keep apologizing for our flaws all over the world! I will never apologize for America. Apologizing for America is not what made this country great. Not apologizing for being exceptional is what made this country great!
Confirm thy soul in self-control, Thy liberty in law
Not to be confused with self-deport! These souls should go back to their country and get in line.
O beautiful for heroes prov’d
Do we have any heroes who served in Iraq and Afghanistan with us tonight? Please raise your hand. Wow.
In liberating strife, who more than self their country lov’d,
Although there is nothing wrong with self-interest. I believe in capitalism and free enterprise. I started a company. I know how to turn this economy around!
And mercy more than life.
When I was governor of Massachusetts, I used to beg the people of my state to let me execute murderers. No sir, I would have executed Willie Horton with my own hands! You’re thinking of that other Massachusetts governor!
America! America! May God thy gold refine
God loves gold and I certainly would be willing to take a much closer look at returning to the gold standard.
Till all success be nobleness,
As governor and in business, I was proud of my success. At the Olympics, I was proud of my nobleness, and anyone who suggests otherwise is taking part in the bitter politics of envy. I think that’s sad and painfully revealing.
And ev’ry gain divine.
Gains are divine! So are losses, if you know what you’re doing! Wink. Wink.
O beautiful for patriot dream
Any Patriot fans in the room? I hate those Giants too. Arrogant New Yorkers who think they are smarter than you, if you know what I mean.
That sees beyond the years …
I see some senior citizens out there. My mom is a senior citizen. You know, the great patriot Thomas Paine once said, “love our senior citizens, have a mom, or get out of the way.” Our current president was elected to love our citizens. Instead he chose to have a mom. Now it’s time for him to get out of the way.
America! America! God shed His grace on thee,
I once locked our family dog in a shed for an entire summer. He loved it! His name was Kickme.
And crown thy good with brotherhood
My father had a brother! He was my uncle!
From sea to shining sea.
Minus, of course, the East Coast liberal elite. I love the heartland!
Thank you and God bless America!
Did somebody say “God Bless America?” Land that I love. I really do love America. Stand beside her, and guide her ...
Mark Katz is the founder and principal of the Soundbite Institute, a creative think tank that specializes in on-message humor. At the Tactical Humorist, Katz breaks down the laughs in the 2012 presidential campaign.
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