Little Meatball?

02.29.12

Is Snooki Pregnant? The ‘Jersey Shore’ Star’s Guide to Motherhood

Jersey Shore star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is reportedly pregnant. So what kind of parenting advice might she offer? Here’s a Guidette’s guide to being a friggin’ mom—in her own words.

Choose a partner wisely:

“Whoever I have babies with has to be Italian. I want my kids’ last name to have a vowel on it ... and be tanned, obviously.”

Procreation can still be recreation:

“Whisky sex is the best. It’s when a guy can’t have sex for like five hours because he’s so drunk. Or his penis is so drunk.”

With pregnancy, come the cravings:

“Pickles is my thing.”

And your body will change:

“Uh, my ass is, like, protruding ... Protruding. The word of the day. Use it.”

Plus, it’s no longer your own:

“If we go to a club, I have to poop my pants. If we go to a party, I have to poop my pants, if I go on a date, like this, with a hot guy, I have to poop my pants.”

A little drink now and then won’t hurt you:

“Any pinot’s OK. Pregnant people do it.”

But everything in moderation:

“I can have a good time without drinking, f--k you, alcohol.”

You only think giving birth is easy:

“I delivered a friggin’ calf from a cow!”

But it’s really not:

“It’s like putting a watermelon into a pinhole.”

And you may be sore for some time:

“Ow. It hurts my vagina.”

Or need your own space:

“My bed is my bed and I peed in it last year, so who would want to sleep in that bed?”

Once the baby arrives, treat boys and girls differently:

“Guys are douchebags and I hate them all. They don’t know how to deal with women, and I feel that’s why the lesbian rate is going up in this country.”

Always guard against rashes:

“If it’s, like, a smush, you gotta put lotion on your butt.”

And be careful of the language you use around children:

We say ‘tits,’ not ‘breasts,’ so she probably won’t even know it was us.”

Make sure to have lots of toys:

“I call my vibrator the Elmo because, tickle me Elmo, ya know what i mean...?”

Don’t be afraid of overfeeding:

“You can see the shaping of his wiener. And let me tell you, it wasn’t even that big.”

Or giving tough love:

“I’m not kissing you because you have throw-up breath.”

But go easy on yourself, New Mom—you can’t do it all:

“My first thought was: I don’t wanna clean this up. My second thought was: I just f--ked up dinner. My third thought was: What the f--k am I gonna eat?!”

And remember, motherhood will change you forever:

“This is my family and I don’t want anyone coming in the house and f--king anything up because I will kill you, I don’t care if I’m small, I will kick you.”