Choose a partner wisely:

“Whoever I have babies with has to be Italian. I want my kids’ last name to have a vowel on it ... and be tanned, obviously.”

Procreation can still be recreation:

“Whisky sex is the best. It’s when a guy can’t have sex for like five hours because he’s so drunk. Or his penis is so drunk.”

With pregnancy, come the cravings:

“Pickles is my thing.”

And your body will change:

“Uh, my ass is, like, protruding ... Protruding. The word of the day. Use it.”

Plus, it’s no longer your own:

“If we go to a club, I have to poop my pants. If we go to a party, I have to poop my pants, if I go on a date, like this, with a hot guy, I have to poop my pants.”

A little drink now and then won’t hurt you:

“Any pinot’s OK. Pregnant people do it.”

But everything in moderation:

“I can have a good time without drinking, f--k you, alcohol.”

You only think giving birth is easy:

“I delivered a friggin’ calf from a cow!”

But it’s really not:

“It’s like putting a watermelon into a pinhole.”

And you may be sore for some time:

“Ow. It hurts my vagina.”

Or need your own space:

“My bed is my bed and I peed in it last year, so who would want to sleep in that bed?”

Once the baby arrives, treat boys and girls differently:

“Guys are douchebags and I hate them all. They don’t know how to deal with women, and I feel that’s why the lesbian rate is going up in this country.”

Always guard against rashes:

“If it’s, like, a smush, you gotta put lotion on your butt.”

And be careful of the language you use around children:

“We say ‘tits,’ not ‘breasts,’ so she probably won’t even know it was us.”

Make sure to have lots of toys:

“I call my vibrator the Elmo because, tickle me Elmo, ya know what i mean...?”

Don’t be afraid of overfeeding:

“You can see the shaping of his wiener. And let me tell you, it wasn’t even that big.”

Or giving tough love:

“I’m not kissing you because you have throw-up breath.”

But go easy on yourself, New Mom—you can’t do it all:

“My first thought was: I don’t wanna clean this up. My second thought was: I just f--ked up dinner. My third thought was: What the f--k am I gonna eat?!”

And remember, motherhood will change you forever:

“This is my family and I don’t want anyone coming in the house and f--king anything up because I will kill you, I don’t care if I’m small, I will kick you.”