Satire

03.29.12

The Crime of Kufr Qaddoum: An EmergencyStandWithDavidMonitor Animal Rights Division Expose

The Palestinian Arab propaganda machine is in overdrive once again.

In an alleged incident, a Palestinian Arab was reported to have been bitten by a dog in the employ of the Israel Defense Force.  Images of the “attack” quickly went viral, and left-wing outlets pounced on the affair as yet another example of the supposed injustice of the alleged “occupation.”

But what really happened on that hazy Friday afternoon?

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Jaafar Ashtieyh / AFP / Getty Images

Careful scrutiny of a widely-disseminated “biting” photograph reveals not only the complete innocence of the IDF and its associated canine units, but stunning revelations about Palestinian Arab culture, conduct and cruelty in that most sacred of ethical arenas: animal rights.

What Happened to the Gun?

A cursory glance at the photograph appears to show a defenseless Palestinian Arab in harm’s way. But take a closer look at the Palestinian Arab’s left hand.

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Jaafar Ashtieyh / AFP / Getty Images

On closer examination, this is not the hand of a supine victim. The intermediate and distal phalanges of the index finger show contraction, as if the Palestinian Arab were squeezing something.

Below is an X-Ray of a human hand with the fingers extended.

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Further forensic analysis of the shadow on the proximal transverse arch of the Palestinian Arab’s palm indicates the presence—or, suspiciously, the absence—of whatever object that had cast the shadow.

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Jaafar Ashtieyh / AFP / Getty Images

These two pieces of evidence—contracted trigger finger, shadow in back—offer incontrovertible proof that the Palestinian Arab had been holding a gun.

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Below is the hand as it would have looked had the weapon not been removed through photo manipulation software:

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Jaafar Astiyeh / AFP / Getty Images

So the question we ask of Prime Minister Abbas is: Where is the gun? And why was it removed from the photographs?

2. The Anchovy Paste On The Sweatshirt

The Palestinian Arab’s right hand, the one allegedly being “bitten,” is cloaked in a grey sweatshirt. But look closer, and you will see it is covered in a brown substance.

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Jaafar Ashtiyeh / AFP / Getty Images

What is this bizarre brown substance? We ran a number of tests using an old sweatshirt of the type worn by Palestinians.

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After several trials, we discovered that the brown substance in the photo is the exact same color, hue and saturation as anchovy paste.

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A side by side comparison offers harrowing proof of what we’d suspected all along.

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Even in the harsh reality of the Middle East, in which Israel is surrounded by enemies bent on its destruction, truth has a way of outing itself. In the case of the alleged “biting” incident, we learn, in the end, that the Palestinian was in fact feeding the dog. But why?

3. The Flora and Fauna of Judea and Samaria.

To hear the Palestinian Arabs tell it, the supposed “dog attack” took place in the Arab village of Kufr Qaddoum, located in Samaria. But take a closer look at the greenery surrounding the Palestinian Arab.

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Jaafar Ashtieyh / AFP / Getty Images

Notice anything odd?

That’s right: This greenery is not indigenous to the region.

Below are examples of actual flora found in Judea and Samaria since Biblical times.

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It is preposterous in the extreme to suggest these images bear even a passing resemblance to the “grass” in the photograph in which the Palestinian Arab is feeding anchovies to the dog.

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If not Israel, then, where was the photograph taken?

4.  The Italian Job

Our team pored over botanical samples from all across the world, analyzing the shape and hue of every species of indigenous flora.  In the end, we discovered the shocking truth when we happened on this video filmed of Giardino Botanico di Collepardo, a nature preserve and botanical garden located in Collepardo, Italy.

Below is a screen shot from the video.

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Notice anything familiar?

Exactly: The grass in Italy looks exactly like the grass seen in the photograph alleged to have been taken in Israel.

When placed side-by-side, the horrors of the Palestinian propaganda machine begin to boggle the mind.

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5. Dolce & Gabbana: The Smoking Gun?

How can we be sure the dog-feeding incident occurred Italy? A second photo offers further evidence in this disturbing saga of media manipulation.

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Jaafar Ashtieyh / AFP / Getty Images

On first glance, it would appear to be just another image of the Palestinian Arab luring the dog with anchovy paste. But look more closely at his shoe.

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Jaafar Astiyeh / AFP / Getty Images

D&G are the initials of Dolce & Gabbana, “an Italian luxury industry fashion house.” Is any further proof needed of what really happened and, most crucially, where it happened? The Palestinian Arab tried to cloak his whereabouts, but in the end he was betrayed by his very own shoe.

As the pieces began to fit together, we went back to the anchovy paste and discovered the final nail in the coffin of Palestinian Arab lies.

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Just a tube of paste, one might think. But look at the logo on the upper right side.

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The truth, when it was finally uncovered, shocked us all. What first appeared to be Jews sending a vicious dog to attack an unarmed Palestinian Arab turned out, on further investigation, to be an armed Palestinian Arab feeding a dog anchovies in Italy.

We end with more questions than we began with. Why do they resort to lies and diversions to make their case? Why can’t they come to terms with their own moral responsibility and recognize the dignity and humanity of their opponents? And who will speak up to the injustice?