Mitt Romney as Nathan Jessup

Don't you just know that Romney is dying to tell us all--the media, the "Democrat" Party, all the people who "don't understand" capitalism--to go f-- off? Of course he is. He believes that outsourcing, offshoring, whatever, is good. A former Bain partner appearing on Chris Hayes's show yesterday more or less represented this point of view.

It made me daydream about a Mitt Romney who had a spine and what he'd say. Someone who makes parody videos might make one of Romney as Col. Jessup of "A Few Good Men,: staring down his pesky interrogator. This is a Romney one could almost respect:

Son, we live in a world that has wages, and those wages have to be lowered by men with cunning. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Mr. Axelrod? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Ampad, and you curse Bain. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Ampad's demise, while tragic, probably saved capitalism. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves America.

You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me at that desk, you need me at that desk. We use words like bootstrapping, call price, and carried interest. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very consumer freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a business degree and create some destruction. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.