Harris Wittels, ‘who would love some free time but has been too busy writing for Parks and Recreation, Eastbound & Down, and a bunch of other stuff,’ breaks down a dozen brilliant and cringe-worthy tweets and boasts, based on his @humblebrag Twitter feed and collected in his book, Humblebrag: The Art of False Modesty.
1. Ugh, It’s Tough Being a Model
Janice Turner (@VictoriaPeckham)
I am contemplating the extreme horror of having my photograph taken on Thursday and being “style”
If by “contemplating the extreme horror” you mean “telling the world about it,” then yes you are.
2. Ugh, People Keep Hitting on Me!
Jamie O’Brien (@LoveJamieO)
Seriously?! My hair is curly as fuck, I’m wearing a giant sweatshirt, pants, uggs, sunglasses & no makeup & still get honked ml hollered at
Really? Even while your hair is curly as fuck??? Guys hate hair that is curly as fuck!! That is a known fact!!! May as well smear shit on your face!
3. Ugh, I Hate Having All This Money!
Evan Lysacek (@Evan Lysacek)
Why do I always get gassy limo drivers?
Why do you always get limos?
4. Ugh, Being an Author Is Hard!
Hayley Willilams (@yelyahwilliams)
When you say that your “face is everywhere,” I promise no one wants to hear the rest of what you have to say.
Just passed my billboard on Sunset Blvd—After all these years, I still ask myself “is that me?” #Surreal
After all the work you’ve had done on yourself, I can understand the confusion.
6. Ugh, I Can’t Believe I Won an Award
Lena Dunham (@lenadunham)
Q: what felt better, winning a #SpiritAward or removing those spanx? A: BOTH FELT AMAZING.
You didn’t let me guess!
7. Ugh, I’m “Genuinely” Asking!
Tyra Banks (@tyrabanks)
Ouch! I think I’m developing carpel tunnel from writing MODELLAND novel. Plus I type with 3–4 fingers.Besides typing lessons, any remedies?
Don’t give models book deals?
8. Ugh, I’m So Successful
Kevin Hart (@KevinHart4real)
I’m watching the UCLA & FLORIDA game in amazement because I performed in the same arena where they are playing no & sold out #GodisGood
Hey, let’s not make this about you, eh? Also, if God is real and we have the same one, and a big priority for him is making sure you sell out a show at a college basketball arena, then I want out.
9. Repeat Offender 1
Tila Tequila (@OfficialMsTila)
I hate my lambo! Police is ALWAYS pulling me over just cuz it’s a lambo so they always think I’m speeding but I’m not!! Then they let me go!
I think they just wanna talk to me ... Ughhhh! Ok I’m done with this lambo! I’m buying a 1988 brown Toyota corolla!!!! Lmao! I swear!
Please stop it.
Man this is SO unfair! Why did the lambo dealership not tell me I’d get pulled over at least once a week in this car? Time for a corolla lol!
10. Repeat Offender 2
Christmas shopping today…I haven’t been home in 3weeks & now its santa.i.am time…Im blessed to give better presents then I receive…
You hear that, people in will.i.am’s life? He thinks you give shitty gifts! Merry xmas!
Deepak Chopra (@DeepakChopra)
Hope & despair are born of imagination. I am free of both
I hereby present Deepak Chopra the Award for Innovation in Humblebragging. I really love the idea of someone “spiritually” humblebragging. A real game changer. In case anyone is unclear on this one, the brag is that he is free of despair and the humble is that he is free from hope. A masterpiece. Congratulations, Deepak.
12. Humblebrags in Academy Awards Acceptance Speeches
George Clooney, Best Actor, Syriana, March 5, 2006
“Wow. Wow. All right, so I’m not winning Director. It’s a funny thing about winning an Academy Award, this will always be sort of synonymous with your name from here on in. It will be: Oscar winner George Clooney, Sexiest Man Alive 1997, Batman, died today in a freak accident ...
“Listen, I don’t quite know how you compare art. You look at these performances this year, of these actors, and unless we all did the same role—everybody put on a bat suit, we’ll all try that—unless we all did the same role, I don’t know how you compare it. They are stellar performances and wonderful work, and I’m honored, truly honored to be up here.”
Clooney employs some masterful humblebragging here. He references his turn as Batman in one of the worst movies ever made, multiple times in fact. Then he makes fun of the fact that he won Sexiest Man Alive nine years ago. Then he makes a grandiose postulation about not knowing how one “compares art.” Kids, take note. THIS is how you humblebrag.
This is an excerpt from HUMBLEBRAG: The Art of False Modesty by Harris Wittels. © 2012 by Potato Shoes Productions Inc. Reprinted by permission of Grand Central Publishing. New York, NY. All rights reserved.