Still reeling from the crazy naked shootout scene from Sunday night’s episode of Boardwalk Empire? How about the wrestling scene in Borat you wish you could un-see? There’s a long, proud tradition of nude dude fight scenes against which Boardwalk Empire’s episode capably holds its own. Here, we stack up the best fight scenes starring dudes who are nude.
Bobby Cannavale, ‘Boardwalk Empire’
Farewell, Roberta! We knew ye briefly. Bobby Cannavale as Gyp Rosetti got a mid-lovemaking (and mid-erotic asphyxiation) visit from a baby-faced, trigger-happy hitman on Sunday—though, lucky for Gyp, poor Roberta made a handy human shield. Given the chance to fire back, Gyp (still butt-naked and fresh from his self-choking romp) chases his assailant briefly down the hallway before pulling back—and that’s why we don’t tie ourselves to bedposts, everyone.
Steve Buscemi managed to stay out of the naked ruckus on Sunday night’s episode of Boardwalk Empire, but the man has paid his dues in the ass-whupping department. As less-than-mediocre crook Carl Showalter in Fargo, Buscemi gets his butt literally kicked by a very a large and very angry Shep Proudfoot (Steve Reevis), who delivers the same deal to the prostitute he finds in Buscemi’s bed. It maybe shouldn’t be funny—but it so is.
Clive Owen’s character in Shoot ’Em Up is the sort of multitasking man you want around for those times when you need both a babysitter and trained killer, a lover and a stone-cold shooter. Unlike Buscemi and Cannavale, Owen’s man doesn’t let a thing like the threat of bodily harm come between him and his lovemaking. He takes down nine assassins with a single gun in this scene, and fires off more than just bullets in the process.
And then there’s American Psycho. As psychotically deranged yuppie Patrick Bateman, Christian Bale demonstrated both a shapely derrière and an impressive grasp of physics when, after chasing a scared-witless prostitute through the halls of his building with a buzzing chainsaw, he times a drop perfectly from about five stories up and lands the saw right on the woman, instantly killing her.
Ken Jeong, ‘The Hangover’
Leslie Chow’s entrances in the Hangover movies trump every other character’s, and this is solely because he is always naked. When we first meet Mr. Chow (Ken Jeong), he springs out of the trunk of a car, Crouching Tiger style, latches onto Bradley Cooper, and begins whaling on all three hungover heroes with a crowbar he found in the trunk—despite Alan’s (Zack Galifianakis) desperate attempts to relate to his new Asian-American opponent. (“I hate Godzilla too! He destroys cities!”)
Matt Damon & Brendan Fraser, ‘School Ties’
It’s all just shower-room hijinks until somebody makes a Jewish slur in this scene from School Ties. Matt Damon plays a snobby prep-school boy who’s got an issue with his new classmate’s (Brendan Fraser) Jewish background. He lets the bigotry fly while telling a joke that stereotypes Jews and lands a few blows on Fraser for good measure in a steamy bathroom brawl.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, ‘Terminator 2: Judgment Day’
When a naked, inexplicably Austrian robot lands in your time dimension, you just hand over the clothes. That’s what this unfortunate biker dude learned in the opening scene of Terminator 2, where, despite having a cigar burned into his chest, a knife wedged into his chest, a pool cue broken over his head, and being stark naked the entire time, Schwarzenegger as the Terminator tosses the guy onto a burning stovetop like a rag doll—and takes his clothes.
If you were a fearsome monster named Grendel whose day job was plaguing the king of the Danes, the sight of a stark-naked Scandinavian man hurtling at you from the ceiling would send you running and screaming too.
Viggo Mortensen, ‘Eastern Promises’
Tricked by his Russian mafia boss into standing in for the guy rival gang members want to kill, Viggo Mortensen as Nikolai Luzhin in Eastern Promises gets cornered in a sauna in this memorable scene. Though he doesn’t come away unscathed, Nikolai manages to punch, kick, wrestle, and eyeball-knife his way to victory.
Sacha Baron Cohen, ‘Borat’
The one, the only, the ultimate naked dude fight scene comes from Borat, Sacha Baron Cohen’s satire-comedy about a Kazakh TV personality who comes to America and falls in love with Pamela Anderson. Physical reflexes invariably force us to look elsewhere during this scene, but from what we’ve gathered, there is a lot of hair, jiggling, and some stunningly unfortunate camera angles. Watch at your own risk.