Choose your partner wisely:

“Every girl who has dated a football player, they all have sex the same way.”

But don’t be too picky:

“I couldn’t care less if they say I’m pregnant with twins by my brother.”

Especially since there are many ways to get pregnant:

“I would have a baby artificially inseminated. I would feel like Mary—like Jesus is my baby.”

And many ways to have a child:

“I get letters from little girls begging me to adopt them.”

Of course, cravings are a part of pregnancy:

“It would be really sexy to have George Clooney once. I think he is so sexy!”

Some people even crave food:

“I love to eat—Kit Kats or cookies-and-cream ice cream. I need sugar like five times a day.”

Naturally, your body will change:

“I remember crying in the bathtub. I took a washcloth, made it really hot, put it over my chest, and prayed, ‘Please don’t let them grow any bigger! They’re embarrassing me.’”

But don’t let others tear you down for it:

“If Paris Hilton thinks my butt looks gross, I really don’t care. At least I have a butt.”

In fact, just own it:

“I’m doing it with class, ’cause I got a big ass.”

Because exercise won’t help:

“I worked out once. I gained, like, 10 pounds.”

Treat yourself to something special during this special time:

“Laser hair removal should be a requirement.”

Limit your drinking during pregnancy:

“I hate the taste of alcohol. White Russians or Midori sours—that’s it.”

Your body won’t be the same after pregnancy, so try be kind to yourself about it:

“You have a better, like, looking vagina than I thought.”

Also, breastfeeding is not for everyone:

“EWW Im at lunch, the woman at the table next 2 me is breast feeding her baby with no coverup.”

And watch your language around babies:

“We never say the word ‘famous’ or ‘celebrity.’ It makes all of us feel uncomfortable.”

Children love pets, but you don’t have to:

“I don’t like big balls on a dog.”

And, remember, you’re not responsible for kids forever:

“Sure, my parents were generous. I got a nice car at 16, but at 18 I was cut off.”

Oh, and one last thing—obviously K names are best:

“Everything is better with a K. Klassy with a K—har, har, har. But life is funner with a K.”