Klassy With a K

01.04.13

Kim Kardashian’s Motherhood Guide

Now that the TV princess and Kanye West are expecting, what kind of mom will she be for little Kimye? Here’s the reality queen’s pregnancy and parenting advice—in her own words.

Choose your partner wisely:

“Every girl who has dated a football player, they all have sex the same way.”

But don’t be too picky:

“I couldn’t care less if they say I’m pregnant with twins by my brother.”

Especially since there are many ways to get pregnant:

“I would have a baby artificially inseminated. I would feel like Mary—like Jesus is my baby.”

And many ways to have a child:

“I get letters from little girls begging me to adopt them.”

Of course, cravings are a part of pregnancy:

“It would be really sexy to have George Clooney once. I think he is so sexy!”

Some people even crave food:

“I love to eat—Kit Kats or cookies-and-cream ice cream. I need sugar like five times a day.”

Naturally, your body will change:

“I remember crying in the bathtub. I took a washcloth, made it really hot, put it over my chest, and prayed, ‘Please don’t let them grow any bigger! They’re embarrassing me.’”

But don’t let others tear you down for it:

“If Paris Hilton thinks my butt looks gross, I really don’t care. At least I have a butt.”

In fact, just own it:

“I’m doing it with class, ’cause I got a big ass.”

Because exercise won’t help:

“I worked out once. I gained, like, 10 pounds.”

Treat yourself to something special during this special time:

“Laser hair removal should be a requirement.”

Limit your drinking during pregnancy:

“I hate the taste of alcohol. White Russians or Midori sours—that’s it.”

Your body won’t be the same after pregnancy, so try be kind to yourself about it:

“You have a better, like, looking vagina than I thought.”

Also, breastfeeding is not for everyone:

“EWW Im at lunch, the woman at the table next 2 me is breast feeding her baby with no coverup.”

And watch your language around babies:

“We never say the word ‘famous’ or ‘celebrity.’ It makes all of us feel uncomfortable.”

Children love pets, but you don’t have to:

“I don’t like big balls on a dog.”

And, remember, you’re not responsible for kids forever:

“Sure, my parents were generous. I got a nice car at 16, but at 18 I was cut off.”

Oh, and one last thing—obviously K names are best:

“Everything is better with a K. Klassy with a K—har, har, har. But life is funner with a K.”