Who else would describe the vice president as a petty criminal, Trans-Am lover, professional vagabond—and the ultimate wingman—except for The Onion? In the ‘autobiography’ ebook The President of Vice, the satirical newspaper takes on ‘Biden’ from his start in politics (hint: bra burning plays a part) to the real reason Robert Bork’s nomination was blocked. A look the most hilarious parts of the scandalous VP’s tome.
The Onion has taken plenty of potshots at Vice President Joe Biden, describing him as washing his Trans Am shirtless in the White House driveway, hitchhiking to the DNC, and having a bounced check still taped up at a Delaware liquor store. The satirists decided to take the joke further with a new “autobiography” ebook, The President of Vice, in their trademark voice of vice president as a blue-collar, womanizing petty criminal. While it’s by all accounts far from any description anyone has ever heard of Amtrak Joe, the VP takes the joke pretty well, even tweeting a photo on Friday of himself looking a red Corvette, chastising the Onion editors: “a Trans Am? Ever look under the hood of a Corvette?” Your move, Onion.
“Hombre, you’ve just done Uncle Joe a real solid in buying this book.” Now who wouldn’t read a book that starts out that way? “Biden” uses much of his foreword to explain the bad situation he is in financially, writing that “I got myself into a little bit of trouble with some guys I had a little business arrangement with, a couple of bookies named Taz and Jorge. A small matter of unpaid gambling debt.” Given that the ebook only costs $2.99 on Amazon right now, “Biden” is probably not among one of the more outrageous book advances recently.
2. Joe Biden’s Childhood
The real vice president was born in Scranton, Pa., but moved to Wilmington, Del., in 1953. That’s probably where the comparison between the two Bidens end. In The President of Vice, “Biden” describes his early years as not being “into walking or talking. I preferred flirting.” Biden goes on to describe his “nimbleness,” writing “doesn’t matter which side of the aisle they’re from. They’ll all vouch for O’ Joe. If there’s something Pelosi and Bachmann can agree on, it’s that I can make the congressional ladies room a lot more fun.” “Biden also goes on to describe some of his pranks, including one involving dropping urine-filled balloons on people he doesn’t like. “While I’m being honest, I still do the balloon prank sometimes, most recently to that a-hole Boehner,” “Biden” writes. Other childhood adventures include learning how Catholic girls want to wait until marriage—unless you find a loophole with the school principal.
3. Childhood Dream Job
So what job does “Biden” describe as “not a realistic dream”? The U.S. ambassador to Sweden, with its “blond platinum diplomats straight through the Midnight Sun.” After realizing how difficult this plum post would be, “Biden” writes that he “wised up and settled on my current fallback plan.”
4. Political Activism Begins
Like many young idealists, “Biden” got his start in politics at his college campus, organizing the first “bra burning rallies in the country” and he even “upped the ante, persuading young chickadees to free themselves by setting their panties on fire.”
5. Working-Class Man
“Man, I wish I was loaded,” “Biden” writes. “All my life, I’ve had my nose to the grindstone, bustin’ my ass for rich pricks.” We all know the real Joe Biden struck a chord with those working-class voters during the election, and the “autobiography” describes exactly why: a string of odd jobs over the years, starting with selling knives, something he says will “cover a couple of pitchers every now and then. Matter of fact, I sold thirty clams worth of steak knives to Vladimir Putin. I don’t care how rich this book makes me, I’m always going to sell knives, cuz there’s good money in fine cutlery.” Some of the other jobs include male model (started on a whim), masseuse at a fancy hotel spa that fired him for “unprofessional conduct,” and a stint as the buffet cook/server at a strip club.
6. His “Baby”
One of the most famous Onion profiles of Joe Biden is of him washing his Trans Am shirtless in the White House driveway. The real Biden responded to that claim, saying that “at least the Onion could have had me washing a Trans-Am convertibles. I love convertibles.” The fake Biden doesn’t quite get so lucky in The President of Vice. “Biden” dedicates a chapter to his “baby,” a 1983 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am, which is something that “chokes me up whenever I think about it.” At this point in his life, “Biden” has already landed the Senate gig—somewhere where he will never be able to afford the sticker price at Crazy Reggie’s car lot. He decides instead to “scrimp and save”—and to collect aluminum cans on Capitol Hill to make up the difference.
7. Meeting God
There’s no way “Biden” would shy away from describing a religious experience, right? During Biden’s epic summer of 1987 (there’s some “mythical-ass experiences” in there along with the “partying and porking like it was going out of style”), he met God. What did the Almighty tell “Biden”? “He “warned me that I should never fucking change.” “God’s a pretty down-to-earth dude,” “Biden” writes.
8. The Real Reason Bork Was Blocked
The summer of ’87 was also epic at work—and “Biden” led the Senate softball team to a huge victory over the Supreme Court’s squad. To keep up the winning streak, “Biden” has to prevent the Supreme Court from brining in “a bunch of ringers,” and “that’s why I pushed so hard to reject Robert Bork’s nomination. That fucker was one helluva shortstop. Plus, I didn’t care for the way he treated ladies’ rights.”
9. The Ultimate Wingman
Although “Biden” describes being veep as a “shit-job,” “Biden” writes that his “co-workers are a pretty solid bunch, I got their backs and they got mine.” He also told pal David “Poonzilla” Petraeus to “take a breather and grab a brewski” and “get your wick moistened every once in a while”—which leads “Biden” to realize that he shouldn’t have offered to write this book himself. Describing his “co-worker Barack,” “Biden” writes that they had trouble bonding at first, since Barack is married to a “hot personal trainer chick, Michelle,” so he “didn’t need any help getting his rocks off.” A bad experience with some “medicinal grade strain” marijuana that ended with the two “running buck-naked across the Washington Mall screaming about spider demons” put a rift between them for a while.
Eventually, “Biden” was able to persuade “Barack” into a “sack of Carlos’s home grown buds.” What happens when the world’s two most powerful men smoke up? “After a few hours of simmering our fumes and cracking up at a VHS of Barbarella, he turns to me and says ‘What if we just fucking sent some helicopters to Pakistan.’ I said, ‘Without permission?’ That’s either the craziest thing I ever heard or the most genius.’” The kicker? “That’s how we killed bin Laden.”
11. All-Time Hottest Congressional Lays
“Biden” takes quite a few breaks in The President of Vice to list some of his favorite things, such as his tattoos, the best places in D.C. “to get baked,” his nicknames (Joey Scranton, Slapshot, Wolfdaddy and many, many more), and “various knots.” But the most informative is his description of the “All-Time Hottest Congressional Lays.” Who makes the list? Tammy Baldwin (“they’ll tell you she only likes the girls, but get enough Jameson in her…”), Elizabeth Dole (“I’ve never been afraid of a little wrinkle in the leather”), and more that are just too dirty to list.