If you’re a woman, you don’t need to be reminded that Sunday night is the Oscars. That’s because, in a bit of vaguely—or downright obscene—sexism, Hollywood’s biggest night has been branded as the Super Bowl for Women. Because we live in a cultural stereotype and only men watch sports, only women are cultured, Mars, Venus, etc.
Since the media love branding coverage with oversimplified, if not offensive, shorthand, we thought we’d jump in and assign the lazy construction to other demographics. Super Bowl for Babies, anyone?
The Super Bowl for Gay People
The lazy among us would say the Tony Awards because—tee hee—gays love musical theater and Patti LuPone and jazz hands and UGH. But let’s be real. The Super Bowl for Gay People is the Super Bowl. Or, as it’s been more accurately described, the Beyoncé concert. First, B performed “Single Ladies” with Destiny’s Child, which, enough said. Then Calvin Klein aired a two-minute commercial featuring an Adonis flexing in underwear. And have you seen Joe Flacco?
The Super Bowl for Fashionistas
Fashion Week. Also any time Michelle Obama gets a haircut.
The Super Bowl for Old People
So many options. The Masters golf tournament? The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? The World Figure Skating Championships? Fortunately for old people, the Super Bowl happens once a week: NCIS, airing Tuesdays on CBS.
The Super Bowl for Tweens
The Super Bowl for Politicos
Election night, obviously, but every four years is hardly frequent enough to warrant Super Bowl status. So we’re lucky to have Donald Trump, who accuses President Obama of not being American on a monthly basis.
The Super Bowl for Babies
The Super Bowl for Hipsters
There actually is an annual Hipster Olympiade, which ostensibly would be their Super Bowl. Events include a skinny jeans tug of war, bubble-tea drinking, and vinyl spinning. Also one time Bon Iver performed in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, at the Music Hall, which serves PBR on draft—essentially peak hipster.
The Super Bowl for Nerds
This is a tough one. Is it Comic Con, the World Chess Championship, the annual Dungeons and Dragons playoffs, or Tolkien Reading Day? So many stereotypes to choose from for this one.
The Super Bowl for Animal Lovers
The Puppy Bowl would be a good obvious choice, with the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show as a close second. But you know animal lovers live for that commercial where Sarah MacLachlan sings while three-legged puppies shed a single tear.
The Super Bowl for Parents
Back to school. “It’s the most wonderful time of the year…”
The Super Bowl for ‘30 Rock’ Fans
The Super Bowl for New Yorkers
Please, New Yorkers don't get excited about anything.