05.02.13 1:13 PM ET
Amanda Bynes’s Topless Bathroom Photo Shoot: A Dramatization
We've all been there. You're standing in the toilet, looking in the mirror, and you think: photo shoot. You look down and see you're only wearing tights, tights that have severe rips and runs up and down the leg. Perfect. You look up. Uh-oh. You've forgotten to wear a top on this trip to the bathroom. It was meant to be, you shrug. The photo shoot commences anyway.
For the first photo, you try out that scrunched-up, just-smelled-a-fart look that's supposed to be sexy-cute, haphazardly covering your bare breasts with your arms, just as Gisele or Miranda Kerr would do. Nailed it. In the next, you go Little Mermaid style, draping your bleached-blonde weave over your bosoms. But, ah! There's a glitch! You recently just shaved half your head. There's only hair enough to cover one boob. What to do? But you fan your half head of hair out and cover that cumbersome left nipple with your elbow. You're crafty.
The photos are now done. You werked it. You’re the Ansel Adams of selfies. But what now? What to do with these two photos of yourself, topless on the toilet, taken on an iPhone while looking in a mirror? It's so obvious, you think. You'll personally send these photos to your 845,000 besties on Twitter. A gift, really. That's the perfect idea, you reason, because the wider Internet will take notice and post the photos on their own blogs and websites. Perhaps they'll even retweet them to their friends. You'll have accomplished what every young girl wants: the leaking of your nude photos on the Internet, where they will live on forever.
But what to caption these photos? "Hello"? "Look at me"? No, that won't do. You're feeling wild tonight, topless in the toilet. Only something more animalistic will do. "Rawr." That's it.
What is that knock on the door? The NYPD? The photos are so provocative that someone allegedly called the cops on you to make sure you weren't high on drugs. The pics even got former Playboy cover star Jenny McCarthy's attention!
Now the world will see, as you told In Touch the afternoon before, that you're not crazy. This is proof that when people say you are insane, it is only coming "from an ugly person's mouth." This will be the evidence, as you said in that interview, that you're the kind of person who "onll [has] hot friends." Just look at you.
Yes, just like Amanda Bynes last night, we've all been there.