Sorry Kids, There's No More Candy
Like watching children cry? This is for you. Jimmy Kimmel had the crueler members of his audience tell their children that they had eaten all of their hard-earned Halloween candy and film the results. Most of the children just throw tantrums, but there are few that really stand out, like the oddly muscular boy stomping around in his underwear and the sobbing little girl who tells her mother that “It’s okay.” But that one’s not funny. It’s just sad.
Jimmy Kimmel Is Awesome
For a primer on Jimmy Kimmel and his all-around awesomeness, here’s a mashup of the host’s greatest moments, from insulting President Obama’s ears at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner to Jennifer Aniston smashing in a side table with a sledgehammer.
Epic Twerk Fail
Well, he got us. And almost every other media outlet who fell for the viral video of a girl trying to make a “sexy twerk video” for her boyfriend who accidentally lights her pants on fire. Nine million YouTube views later, Kimmel scored an interview with the young woman, who turned out to be a stunt woman hired by the prankster himself. “It’s a good thing there’s nothing happening in Syria right now,” Kimmel quips at the attention.
"I'm Fucking Ben Affleck"
In response to discovering via music video that his then-girlfriend Sarah Silverman was cheating on him with his longtime nemesis Matt Damon, Kimmel released a heartfelt ditty of his own. “I don’t know if you’ve heard,” he begins, “but I’m fucking Ben Affleck.” It’s part guitar ballad, part rock song, part ’80s pop, and part charity-fundraiser singalong, with cameos from Brad Pitt, Robin Williams, and Don Cheadle. Four years later, it’s still a classic.
Apologies to Matt Damon
Kimmel picked the wrong actor to constantly boot off his show. After years of an ongoing gag in which Kimmel apologizes to Matt Damon for bumping him—1,205 times, precisely—Damon exacts his revenge. In January the actor kidnapped Kimmel, tying him up in his lair. “Is there a new host in town?” he growls before making an entrance on stage to present his new version of the show: “Jimmy Kimmel Sucks.”
(I Wanna) Channing All Over Your Tatum
A week after “Blurred Lines” was released, we were finally given a reprieve with the equally dirty but infinitely more fun “(I Wanna) Channing All Over Your Tatum.” Kimmel rounded up an all-star cast of singers and actors to frolic along a white-sand beach, crooning lines like “Going Channing on your Tatum makes the babies be born.” What more is there to say about the 2013 summer anthem?
Celebrities Read Mean Tweets
Larry King is not pleased with the suggesting that he should be skinned and made into leather jackets, and Zooey Deschanel thinks, actually, she’s not overrated. A series of hurt-looking celebrities, from Snooki to Matt LeBlanc, read tweets about themselves to prove they are, in fact, human. The best has to be Justin Bieber reading a heartfelt request: “Dear god give us back 2pac and we’ll give you Justin Bieber,” he deadpans.
Lie Witness News: Coachella
Kimmel dispatches a correspondent to talk with hipsters at Coachella who are just psyched to catch some up-and-coming bands that, unfortunately, don’t exist. She finds one young guy who used to spin Two Door Cinema Club’s album DJ Cornmeal on his radio show “all the time,” and a girl whose friends told her definitely not to miss rockers Get the Fuck Out of My Pool.
Worst Christmas Presents Ever
You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. Getting into the Christmas spirit, Jimmy Kimmel dares parents to film the reactions of their kids opening one ridiculously terrible present before the day the holiday. They are, as expected, priceless. “I don’t like this,” one toddler screams after unwrapping a half-full bottle of juice. One boy attacks the camera after unwrapping his Hello Kitty gear, while a little girl takes it slightly better, admiring her half-eaten PB&J sandwich, but requesting her mom cooks something more appetizing, like Buffalo wings.